Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
XP from the bump: Oh no she didn't...Vent/Long!!
Please tell me how you would handle this situation.....
So tonight my MIL came over with a friend of hers so she could give the baby a gift she bought her for Christmas. As they were getting ready to leave I asked her friend if her mother's address was still the same bc I am sending out our Christmas cards this weekend and her mom was very sick last time we saw her, and living with her. She said yes, she's doing better and back home. GREAT!
and here is the dialogue for what happened next...
MIL: "I sent out my Christmas cards last night"
Me: "Great, can't wait to get it!"
MIL: "I put G's picture on it from the link you sent me from her professional portraits."
Me: (lump in my throat): "You did?"
MIL: "Yes, and I put it from the N family, and all of our names are on it. I didn't know if you were sending your own out or not. Oh wait I have one with me!" (As she pulls out an envelope)
Me: " I bought our own, and they should be here tomorrow for me to mail out to everyone."
MIL: "Well I'm sure you didn't pick the same picture I did"
Me: (As she shows me the card, of not only the picture that I chose to get as presents for everyone in our immediate families, but yes one that is on our card.) "I picked 5 bc I couldn't decide."
MIL: "Well I mailed them out to my family and friends"
At this point, I'm pretty sure my expression was right on my face bc my shower list, which is the same list we used for G's Christening and now our Christmas Card's consisted of 1/3 of her family and friends.
Me: "Well they are all pretty much on our list and will be getting a card from us"
At this point I walked away bc if I didn't I was pretty sure I would flip the F out and I had G in my arms, so I couldn't do that. DH was not in the room, so he heard none of it. We have had our issues in the past with her over stepping boundaries, but I feel this takes the cake by far. I only shared her portraits with our parents to let them see them and let both sets know that we ordered a lot for gifts so there was no need to order any.
Not only did she get snippy tonight when DH showed her a few of her "gifts" tonight, bc as she said "I spent over $100 on her Christmas portraits, I ordered them this weekend" but she got so angry and wouldn't look at G's hanging stocking that we picked out and had personalized bc she bought her a first Christmas pink one.
As soon as she left and the door closed, I went and told DH what happened. I was so upset. He was shocked and said he would call her in the morning. Not that this will change anything but the fact that he is going to is a step in some kinda direction right?
I just feel thatshe should have asked if we were sending our own and this would have been avoided.
Sorry for the long vent...I'm just so furious right now that since G is asleep and so is DH, I want to call and chew her rear end out!!!!!!!!!!
UGH!
Re: XP from the bump: Oh no she didn't...Vent/Long!!
Exactly! I would understand if maybe she had a picture of G and her that she loved and wanted to use it and asked us if it was ok...I would have said Sure! But she never mentioned anything about Christmas cards ever!!!!! Not to mention, she lives in the same town, about 2 miles away and comes over maybe every 10 days, if DH calls her to come over. She has not expressed a want to be here or spend time with G since she has been born. So it all just baffles the heck out of me.
She's being a proud Grandma but is overstepping her bounds. She has no place sending out a pic of someone else's child without permission. It sounds like she's trying to steal all your "firsts" from you and DH, although that's probably not her intent. It would bug the crap out of me. She sounds like the MIL who will be watching your DD and take her for her first haircut without your permission.
If the future, I would be cautious about sending her a link to any pics. DH needs to talk to her and tell her to not send out pics off DD without permission first.
Her grandparent style sounds like my mom. She wants to go on and on about her wonderful grandchildren but really doesn't want to do much with them unless it's just fun time and not any imposition on her. She wants bragging rights but none of the hassles that comes with kids.
I think you're overreacting.
Your MIL use one of the SIX photos you used in her card which you sent to her. No big deal.
You've sent out three pictures of your child in under a year? I love Christmas cards with kids but I draw the line at anything over birth announcements and Christmas.
My Blog
THere are clearly bigger issues here that are coloring your reaction. (and I speak to this as someone who has been in the same situation!)
Should she have asked if she could use a picture of G on her cards? Absolutely. Should she have asked specifically if she could use one of the professional ones? Absolutely. And the fact that she signed it from the "N family" as if that will suffice for you and your DH too - uncool.
On that- I totally agree with you and she is in the wrong.
However, past that, back away a little and keep the real issue in focus. You're making issue out of a few things that I feel only muddies the waters.
Who cares if you're sending cards too? I don't see what that has to do with it. 1/3 of the list is the same? So what? Send your cards. You're including FOUR other pictures. It's a very different card.
Your list of 5 grievances really boils down to one issue- she should have asked if she could use a picture of G. Period. You're nit-picking this one issue into 5. Dont' do that. It's great that your DH is backing you up on this, but if you nit-pick and find fault in everything she does, he will eventually get tired of it!
Again -I've been in your shoes. I get it. But it's also a lesson I learned- you need to back off and keep focus on what the REAL issues are. Don't get it muddied and don't make issues where there are none.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Its one picture. You sent out six.
I know tons of grandparents who send out pics of their grand kids on their Christmas card...my mother included. I would have never thought until the bump that it was even remotely a problem. If there is a pic I want to keep secret, I keep it secret.
A christmas card isn't IMO meant to be some big reveal of a secret picture, so who cares if they've seen one? I mean heck, our FB friends have seen all of ours and we still sent a card out.
You are right, I was angry and let my fingers keep going. I edited accordingly.
Did your mom ask you the first time she sent them out? I haven't shared these pictures with anyone including fb on purpose. Only our parents saw them and like I said I asked them not to order any bc I ordered portraits as presents for a lot of people. I've learned my lesson and will share nothing from now on. She has never sent out Christmas cards as long as I have known her. The whole thing is just baffling to me now that I have calmed down and slept on it.
I have not sent out my Christmas cards yet, they are getting delivered today. I have the labels and everything ready...just waiting on the cards and envelopes.
As far as the pictures, It is a little extreme but I felt bad bc it took me almost two months to get all of her Christening Thank yous out with her picture on it...that I had a special Phillies photo shoot done at 5 1/2 months since we are huge fans and sent them out to our families. I thought it was cute since almost everyone in his family is from Philly and loved it.
I totally get what your saying, I guess my point in my whole rant was why didn't she just ask us what we were doing for Christmas Cards. She has never sent them out before, and it's not like we live together or anything...she barely even sees the baby. Oh well...thanks for your input.
This is pretty much her! Which is part of the reason I just don't get it, but then again I probably never will.
The part about the haircut is probably so true. She has done things for every "First" and tried to beat us to the punch, like she bought her first birthday outfit the day she was born. (We were team Green, and I guess she figured it was cute gift after we had her.) I totally attributed it to being a proud Grandmom but this showed me a different side of her.
I'm sure people will love seeing more of her, but won't people find it strange that they received a card from the five of us from her, and then a few days later they receive one from just the three us.
No. People will glance at your card and say, "Oh that's nice." and then put it down somewhere and forget about it. I like seeing my friend's/families' picture cards, but I don't display them all over my house and look at them everyday.
Ok, as a parent, I see where you are coming from. I have a 5 y/o and a 5 month old. Last month, while in Disney World, my IL's came. I meet up with them and MIL tells me, oh I bought all the kids their christmas jammies (including cousins). I was slightly peeved but let it roll of my back. It would have been nice if they asked me first because it is my son's first Christmas, but in hindsight, they are just jammies and hey, less money we have to spend! So I let it go.
So I see where you are coming from, she should have ok'd it with you first but I wouldn't put much effort into getting pissed off, it's not worth it.
Now about how people might perceive it? I have a friend who's IL's do this and the first time I saw the card I thought to myself "damn I wonder how BFF feels about her il's doing this". I can guarantee people who receive the card are either going to a. feel the way I did above or b. not think twice about it.
In the future, your H needs to tell her that there are some boundaries you don't want crossed. Be specific but don't just railroad her. Leave it open for her to brag in some ways, she is still grandma and no matter how much involvement she has in your daughter's life, she still loves to show her off to her friends and family. Throw her a bone for the little things.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
To me it'd be obvious that your MIL didn't ask you guys. Everyone else probably wouldn't notice.
The whole her trying to get all the firsts. She buys her an outfit for her first birthday. You don't have to put her in it or you put it on her for all of two seconds and then say she pooped all. Or if its something that's really hard to have two of (for example a christening outfit) just say no thank you.
BFP #3 2.15.11 EDD 10.27.11. DD born 10.29.11
Betas @9dpo = 23 Betas @12dpo= 128.5 Betas @17dpo= 1075 Betas @21dpo =5800s
@6w hb 114 bpm! @8w4d hb 178 bpm! @12w hb 169 bpm! @18w hb 150 bpm!
I don't know, maybe I'm weird, but I would never think twice about either set of grandparents using a picture of DD in or on their Christmas card if it wasn't for The Bump or The Nest. All share pics of her on Facebook too. In fact, 14yo SIL does little "photo shoots" with her and DD every time we visit and posts them on Facebook. Maybe it makes me a bad mommy or something, but I don't think twice about stuff like that.
The only thing I find strange is your MIL's card having yours and YH's names on it too.
I agree, I think you're overreacting. No one will think negatively about the same picture being used. With that being said, she should have asked you if it was OK to get christmas cards with the picture, but she probably was thinking that you'd actually be happy about it. In the future, you know that she does these things, so let her know in advance (we're using these photos for x,y or z, so please don't do so as well) or (we're getting the birthday cake for the 1st birthday, FYI) or whatever. I also don't see the big deal about the stocking. Can't she hang it at her own house? My mom has stockings for my kids, but she hangs them at her house. She has ones for all her children and grandchildren.
I think you need to just realize how she is and act accordingly in advance.
From what most of the PPs have written, I'm in the minority in thinking she is way overstepping with regard to the photo issue. I think it's inappropriate for her to send pictures of her grandchild--as part of her Christmas Card--to the same family and friends you send cards to. It would be different if you all sat for a photo & she sent that photo out and signed her name and FIL's name, or if she was including a picture in a card sent to a friend you did not have in common. Sending out a photo of your DD (especially on her 1st Xmas) and signing the card as if it came from all of you (and not even asking you and DH about this before doing it) is out of line. Coupled with the fact she seems to have no issues with insinuating herself into other situations/firsts, I don't think you are overreacting.
It would have been good form for her to ask. That said, you're overreacting. I have a feeling your someone who looks for reasons to be bothered by your MILs behavior.
My ILs send out x-mas cards every year with a collage of pictures of the kids/grand kids. The sign it "The Smitths." I get several cards similar to this from other people of grandparent age.
And really, nobody cares that much about Christmas cards. Take a step back and think about it.
I know this is totally off topic but did you use professional or portrait studio pics? If so how did she get the copyright?
Sorry, my husband just works in a photo lab and I was just thinking from that aspect.
Nope. Neither my mom (nor my MIL) asked....and we didn't expect them to. Granted, they both used their own pictures they took of DD, but I would have no problem if they had used one of mine.
I would have taken your "don't order any because I'm buying presents" line exactly like you said it: I don't need to order any personal prints because you are buying some. I wouldn't have extrapolated from that that I wasn't supposed to use them.
That being said, signing the card from all of you is really odd. I just think the whole notion that you need ALL 5 pictures to be a surprise is an overreaction.
Last night we actually received two more Christmas Cards with peoples' grandkids on them, lol. Its not that uncommon.
I think its pretty obvious that she didn't "ask" because she didn't want to be told no. That's what you are reacting to - she took something of yours and acted like she was entitled to it. She wasn't. Same thing about the stocking and all these little things. Did she even pay for the professional photo or did she just lift it fom the link?
I think you just have to live through these awkward moments and continue in the role of the mother and be polite as she tries to be the grandmother. Put her in whatever outfit YOU want for her first birthday - it's your decision. Its not your J.O.B. to keep her happy and unbothered by your decisions. Sometimes she's not going to like what you decided - too bad.
As for the same picture on the card, it's not a big deal, at all, to anyone who receives it. But I see how it's really annoying that she only thought to mention it after it was completely done and over.
I actually think the wierdest part is her including your, dh and the baby's name on her card. WTF? H is an adult. His mommy doesn't get to sign his name for him anymore.
Stop sending her photo links. It was foolish for you to do it anyway - who needs a "preview" of their Christmas gifts?
The other stuff - let it go. You don't have to use any of the stuff that she buys for your DD. Throw it in a keepsake box or give it to Goodwill.
All the PP's touch on the picture thing, which is fine. But what I would have been upset about actually would have been the first christmas stocking thing....
You are the parents, you get the first christmas stocking, not the Grandparents. Unless they have one that stays AT THEIR HOME for G.
UG. thats really the one that bugged me here. It sets a presedent future "first time" things.
This is SO not a big deal. Your life is going to be miserable if you flip out and want to ream someone out every time something like this happens. Should she have asked permission? Sure. But all this was was a proud grandma sharing a photo of her grandbaby.
You need to take a step back and realize that most people simply won't care or notice these things. You mentioned you ordered professional portraits as gifts for "a lot of people." Honestly, anyone other than grandparents and maaaaaaybe aunts and uncles are going to roll their eyes behind your back. Your baby is delightful and lovely, but she's only a huge deal to you and your husband. Just like when you were planning your wedding.