Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
need to vent
Huge blow up at my house tonight and I need to vent somewhere. We have a pen that stays on the counter so we can write things on our grocery list. A week or so ago, it was missing. I asked my husband if he had seen it and he said no. I asked my stepson and he said no. An hour or so later, it reappeared. My husband said his son had it. I didn't understand why he would lie about it. I wasn't mad. I just needed the pen. It's not uncommon for one of us to use it and forget to put it back, but why lie about it?
So tonight we were making dinner and we were almost out of pickles. I turned to write it on the list and the pen was gone. I asked my husband if he had seen it. He said no and he added, "you know who probably does have it". Okay. So I go in and ask my stepson if he has it. He says no. I know I didn't take it. My husband is saying he hasn't used it. I was annoyed. I went back into the kitchen irritated. I asked my husband if he was sure he didn't have it. He said yes. I told him that it's not the idea that his son had the pen. It's the idea that he's gonna lie about it. My husband goes into his son's room and starts yelling at him telling him to cough up the pen. He went off on him. I was shocked. He was overreacting. I started doing a bigger once over next to my husband's checkbook that I knew he had used that day. Guess what I found laying underneath some papers next to the checkbook... the pen. He comes back into the kitchen just I uncovered it. And then he goes off on me. He started yelling at me. I told him not to effing talk to me like that. He accused me of overreacting. There were some empty soda cans sitting on the counter and he knocked them all into the floor. He had burgers on the grill. He went and got them, brought them into the house and slung the plate down on the stove sending the burgers flying across the counter. Then, and this is the topper, he called ME a maniac.
I quickly informed him that I asked him first and he said he hadn't seen it, which was obviously not true. It wasn't my fault he didn't remember. It wasn't my fault he basically threw his kid under the bus by telling me his son probably had it. It wasn't my fault he went in and chewed his son out. But according to him it is all my fault. I caused it because he felt like I expected him to do something about it.
I went in and fixed my dinner and ate alone. After I was done, my husband fixed his plate and sat down at the table. His son came in and fixed his, but stood up in the kitchen to eat instead of sitting with his dad. Then his son left to go to a friend's house and my husband went to bed at 7:45 because he's still pissed at me and doesn't want to be in here with me. I told him how great it must be to have a scapegoat to blame things on.
If I had yelled or gone overboard or done anything besides telling him that I was annoyed at the idea that his son would lie about something like that, I would take responsibility, but I didn't. I was annoyed. I didn't ask or expect him to freak out on his son the way he did.
Re: need to vent
Definitely let him calm down, then have a discussion tomorrow or the next day about how this isn't the best way at all to handle any situation. And once that is done, you should both go in as a team and apologize to the son. I can't imagine how he feels right now.
Blow ups suck. I'm sorry.
I let him go to bed and I haven't bothered him, but after he was done yelling at me, he went in and very loudly apologized to his son. There is no attempt on his part to forge a relationship between me and his sons. He is between us and if something goes wrong, it's my fault. I stayed away from this board for most of the first two years of our marriage because our relationship went straight downhill after the wedding and it was really embarrassing. We've been doing better over the past several months, but this evening is a flashback.
I'm so sorry! (HUGS) Have you gone for counseling together or is that not an option? I really hope for you that things get better and you can work things out!
#1-BFP 08-22-09 ~ M/C 08-31-09 at 5 weeks 6 days
#2-BFP 08-6-11 ~ Due 04/18 ~ born via c-section April 22, 2012
My Blog
I'm sorry you had such a crappy night. Hopefully after he's had some time to cool down you two can talk about it and work on some ways to possibly prevent it in the future. Everyone has their bad days though and this kind of thing happens even in the happiest, strongest relationships from time to time.
Last night aside, I'm glad to hear that things have been getting better for you.
the wedding | the blog
We went to two counselors before our 1st anniversary. The first one really shouldn't be a counselor. She literally got mad at us and told us there was nothing she could do for us. Seriously. She got to see us in action, bickering over something stupid. When she had problems getting us to focus back on her and shut up, her response was to get mad at us and tell us that she couldn't help us and our insurance didn't pay enough anyway. The second one was much better and had years of experience. He did as much as he could to help us.
I did apologize to my stepson. I told him that I didn't mean for that to happen and I was sorry that it did. I don't have a a decent relationship with my stepson. At this point, I don't know that it's possible to build one. Maybe as he gets older. He's 17 now and in a rebellious period.
Just after I posted last, my husband got out of bed and came in where I was. He asked if he could watch a movie. I said sure. He popped popcorn and we watched a movie, then we went to bed. No mention of what had happened. I don't know if he calmed down and decided I wasn't to blame or what. I don't think I'm getting an apology and I really don't want to argue about it again, so I don't want to bring it up.
Girls, thanks for letting me vent here and thanks for caring. We've had a rough time of it and some days I don't know how it's going to play out. Yesterday was one of those days. I'm hoping today is a better day.
You know one thing I've come to realize about this particular board is that no matter how awful things get, they are there for you. There is no need to be embarassed. I have the most reason for embarassment (divorced) and am still more than welcomed. Sometimes having a place where you can vent your frustration, a place to just let it all out and talk out your feelings really makes a huge difference in the rest of your life.
That being said, I agree with the pp:
1. I admire that you spoke to your stepson about this. I agree with Reenie that if it is at all possible, to keep at least trying to build a relationship with your stepson. Is that a source of stress/strain on your marriage?
2. Counseling might be a way to vent out your frustrations and work through things. It sounds like you both might have some resentments that are festering? Maybe having a safe place to really talk it out... I know some couples who have gone to monthly counseling for years just to have that once a month check in/vent/work through it sessions.
3. Some men truly do not know how to apologize and their version of apologies is to come and "make nice." There's one of two ways to take that... accept it as an apology if you can but if you can't and you're still resentful, finding a way to express your need to hear an apology and work on communication (again, counseling?)...
Just some initial thoughts. It ruly admire both of you for keeping at it and working through it and we are here for you... life isn't all puppies and rainbows and the girls on this board are accepting and so encouraging of that. We help each other through the valleys of life. Hang in there hon
Hopefully today has been a better day! You're always welcome to vent here.
William born 7/12/2000
Andrew born 10/30/2011 (9lb 4oz at 37 weeks)