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Am I too forgiving?
Ok so this is my first post so please bear with me.
Me and my fiance have been together off and on for about 2 years. We just got back together in July and we've been doing fine. Or so I thought. Two weeks into our new start he cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend. I forgave him for that because I really do love him and really it's the first time I ran into that problem with a SO.
A few more months go by and I start feeling like he was doing it again. he'd be on the internet all the time and minimize the window when I check up on him. He'd drop me off at work and then when I call and ask him where he was he'd be all silent. His friends had been calling me and telling me that they have suspected him of cheating on me but they don't have proof. Or they do have proof but can't tell me. Or that they have proof but can't get it to me.
Now as per a deal of us getting back together he was not allowed to talk to his ex... lets call her Faith, and I wasn't allowed to talk to my ex, lets call him Drew. Every so often Faith would send messages to Drew about things that she has said to my SO. Drew would then tell me, but I'd ignore him because I really wanted to be with my SO and I wanted everything to be alright.
Sometime in October it came out that Faith was keying my SO's car and it lead to a huge argument and Faith sending me a message on Facebook about how she has been seeing my SO every few days for the past few weeks. Now me being the person that I am, and already all but assured that my SO was cheating just told her that I knew where he was and I didn't care.
A few weeks ago, we'll say in late November, my SO finally told me the truth. He's been cheating on me since we got back together. With Faith, One of his other exes and some random person he met off the internet. There was not a time in those 4 months that he had ever been faithful to me. I of course was devastated... how couldn't I be I gave him everything I had. I left my apartment, estranged myself from my family and friends, and gave up things that I enjoyed to make this work with him. But I forgave him.
Right now he is in Marine Boot Camp for the next 3 months and I shall be leaving for Boot Camp sometime soon. I'm not sure I can trust him to come back and not do anything with Faith. I'm not sure I could keep forgiving him either. Am I too forgiving? Should I get out while I still can? Should I even be planning this wedding to a man who systematically cheated on me for the length of our relationship? What should I do?
Re: Am I too forgiving?
3 out of 4 dead babies agree! pepsi is better than coke! - EdithBouvierBeale
Lordy. Grow some balls and stop lurking. It's like stealing from the internet. Jesuschrist. -- AudreyHorne
I hate love and marriage. I got married so I could destroy these things from the inside. - NoisyPenguin
It's a good thing my circle of trust is as giant as my vagina. That only leaves a couple people out. - Cali
Crap...I Mean Crafts
GET OUT NOW!!!
Seriously - you do not have an adult relationship built on trust and respect.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, and plenty of men you can love who have no problem with fidelity. You deserve someone who COULD NOT IMAGINE cheating on you and ruining a relationship with someone as cool and wonderful as you.
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
You've been "off and on" for 2 years. Why? And TWO WEEKS into your "new start" he cheated.
And you're really wondering what to do?
Here's the thing- you can FORGIVE Him all you want. That doesn't mean you need to stay w/ him.....
He will forever cheat on you if you stay w/ him. He's learned that it doesn'[t matter - he'll suffer no consquences, you'll "forgive him", and then he'll do it again and the cycle repeats. He has no reason to change, so he won't.
If you want to live your life like this, stay with him. If you have ANY shred of respect for yourself, leave him.
And ask yourself - why do you love him? I mean, RELALY love him? He clearly doesn't love you and has no respect for you, so.... what's so redeeming about him?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
What the everlovingfuck? Of course you can't trust him. Are you 12? Or dumb? You've caught him cheating numerous time and he finally admitted it. He was actively LOOKING for other women. ANd now he's LEAVING. GOOD RIDDANCE! I don't understand getting with someone in the military who isn't going to be around for months in the first place, let alone a guy that cheats on you and you can't trust. What about that situation actually makes sense to you?
I want to bang my head on the table after reading this. Why do you have such low self esteem that you even need to ask if you should be planning a wedding to this guy. He's TELLING YOU he can't or doesn't want to be faithful to you! TELLING YOU. How about LISTENING!
Please, please, PLEASE go to counseling. Your complete lack of self esteem is truly scary and you really need to work on this or you're never going to have a healthy relationship. Why would you ever think so little of yourself that you would stay with someone after finding out he has been consistently cheating on you for your entire relationship??
This guy is a piece of shiit and you know it. If you stay he will continue to cheat on you and treat you like garbage. Get out and start demanding respect for yourself.
Come on, let's be honest here. You don't truly truly love, respect and admire him. You know deep down the only reason you are with him is because you have low self worth and are afraid of being alone. Stop settling for "better than nothing." It will bring you nothing but heartbreak and misery.
Let me ask you this, if your daughter / little sister was in your position, what would you tell her to do ? Would you tell her to continue to bury her head in the sand and wish he is something he is not? Would you tell her to continue to devalue herself by staying in this relationship as well as putting her health and possibly life at risk? What would you tell your daughter / little sister ?
Would you be proud to have a son EXACTLY like him ? Not sorta like him, not kinda like him, EXACTLY like him.
how desperate are you? I mean, he cheated many many times and you keep forgiving him. Why in the world would he stop? He cheats, you forgive, yada yada yada.
Cut him out of your life and find someone who will be faithful to you.
Well, my mom married a man she really loved who had some rough edges too. But she stayed with him because she could see his worth even when no one else could. now 30 years later he's finally the man she always dreamed he could be. Of course, my sister is dying of an eating disorder and I can't ever quite forgive them for my childhood. And my mom never learned how to be happy for herself because she had to cope with the way he treated her, so now her life, as it always has, revolves completely around him and his needs. But you know, after three decades of misery, he's finally settled down for her. I'd say if that's the life you're looking for, you're on the right track.
Personally, if I was talking to someone I loved in this situation, I'd tell them that love and forgiveness doesn't mean being together. But that's only because I've lived through the consequences.
"The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab
Sometimes I wonder if scientists have never seen a sci-fi movie before. "Oh yes, let's create a super species of deer. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG." I wonder if State Farm offers a Zombie Deer Attack policy. -CaliopeSpidrman
I am late to this, but hopefully you will leave boot camp with a whole new you. A you that is strong, self sufficient and not willing to take any crap. A you that sees she can stand on her own two feet. Hopefully you will find the "you" that lives deep down inside right now. The YOU that you can't even begin to dream of with your FI around..
I think you already know what you should do. Get rid of him. For real. Tell him it's over and move on. No email, no Facebook, no calls, no texts. His behavior is ridiculous and unacceptable. You need to cut him out of your life completely and go out and get a guy who really respects/loves/adores/fulfills you. And it may not be easy...he will try to tell you he loves you, he will try to tell you he misses you, he will try to say/do anything to get back with you.You have to ignore it ALL.
I was on/off again with a guy for 3 years. While he was off with me, he was on with another girl. When he was with me, he wanted her and when he was with her, he wanted me. It comes to a point where you have to say enough is enough. He's not worth it. I finally told my ex that we were done for good, and less than a year later I met my (now) husband. I never would have gone on that 1st date with my husband if I had still been hung up on my ass hole ex-boyfriend :-)
In short, YES you are being too forgiving. This isn't going to get better after a wedding. If anything, it will be more of the same. This guy is just holding you back. Drop him and just let Faith have him. You have a rich, fantastic, wonderful life waiting for you!
From a military wife, saying something no one wants to hear -
Affairs are rampant in the military. Why? Because it's really easy to get away with it. It doesn't mean that you can't have a military marriage without cheating, but they are the exception, not the rule. Likely, his cheating will get (if possible) even worse than it already is. Dual assignments can be hard to get (even more so if you are in different branches) and there will be many deployments between the two of you. Every bit of time apart is another opportunity to cheat with someone (or multiple someones) new.
If you can't trust them in the civilian world, you sure as heII can't trust them in the military world.