Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
She feels like her parents OWE her a wedding, y'all.
"The way they talked for the past year...they led us on to believe that they had to money to pay for the wedding. Our rings and honeymoon are booked & paid for-- but we didn't expect to pay for the ceremony ourselves?!"
I have no idea where these people think that they HAVE to elope?! So they can't have their PPPD (Pretty Pretty Princess Day) on their Parents' dime and suddenly "woe is me?". WTF?
I have no idea where these people think that they HAVE to elope?! So they can't have their PPPD (Pretty Pretty Princess Day) on their Parents' dime and suddenly "woe is me?". WTF?
Re: She feels like her parents OWE her a wedding, y'all.
Eh, I can't get all worked up over it. She's not acting all bratty, like, "I'm never going to speak to them again!" or anything.
They've had conversations that led her to believe that her parents had the money, and were going to pay. Now they can't. I get being disappointed about that. I think it's normal.
In my family, it was always clear that my parents planned to contribute, if not pay for, our weddings. As each of us got engaged, my parents sat us down and said, "We'll give you $X for your wedding, and if your wedding costs more than that, you'll have to pay for the extra yourselves." It's possible that in her family there was always a similar message, and then at last minute her parents ended up not being able to pay for it.
I think my main issue is that there was the presumption (by the fiance & the poster) that the parents were going to pay so they blew all their money on rings & honeymoon. Even IF your parents talk like they are going to help, the responsible thing to do as an adult is set aside money just in case. You should never presume that someone is going to pay for your wedding until you have the cash in hand. Its just poor planning.
It sounds like they HAD the money at one point but chose to spend it on other things because they assumed the parents would take care of it. I don't think its bratty, but it speaks of some form of entitlement by the poster.
The "not expecting" to by for their own wedding is what gets me. When you get married you should certainly expect to pay for it all yourself. If you get gifts of money or offers to help with expenses then that is just icing on the cake. KWIM?
I never expected to pay for my own wedding (*gasp!* *clutch pearls*) because my parents had always led me to believe they would pay for it. When the time came, we talked, they set a budget, I stuck to it. Maybe because of that I can't get too worked up about this.
We paid for our rings and honeymoon, BM/GM gifts, tux rental, and hair. But I wouldn't have spent money on any of it without knowing that the funding for the wedding was taken care of. That part seems stupid to me, but not bratty.
Well, I'm not sure they "blew" their money on anything. They had previous conversations with her parents in which her parents (apparently) implied they were going to help pay for the wedding. If the OP & her FI had saved $15,000 for "Wedding Related Costs" and believed (based on previous conversations) that her parents were going to take care of the wedding, then they knew they could spend $5K on the ring, and $5K on the honeymoon, and contribute $5K to the wedding costs. After they did that, it came out that her parents couldn't pay for the wedding.
Anyways, this isn't the hill I want to die on or anything. I just think you're being a little hard on her.
Ugh. I hate couples that think eloping is lower, just cause it is cheaper. Honestly, that is what I would LOVE to do. It's casual, intimate, and less stress. We can't afford anything that my FI's 100+ family members want. So it is a "If you want it, you pay for it. If the cash isn't there for it, we will cut it" subject for us.
Even with those many, many discussions of what who wants and what who can afford, if they all came in one day and said they couldn't afford any it there would be no hard feelings. It would be "Thank you for telling me, but now that there is much less money involved, we are going to do less, and elope. Anyone that can't attend, will be able to watch the wedding video and photos which we will bring to the family reunion." I would still be thrilled, because it is about getting married not about having a wedding.
She isn't saying that. She is saying that they said they would, and now they won't, and she has sad over it. Now she has to do all these things she didn't want to, like pay for her own way. My favorite part is DOESN'T EVERYONE EXPECT THEIR PARENTS TO PAY FOR THEM! Like caps make everyone auto-agree.
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I think the OP needs to clarify just how her parents led her to believe the wedding was going to be paid for by them. If there were conversations where the parents said "We can't wait to plan everything with you, don't worry about a thing we've got it covered" and now all of a sudden they can't contribute a dime after the date has been set and honeymoon has been planned, then I think she has every right to be disappointed and upset.
However, if she went into her wedding planning simply assuming the parents would pay then yea, she needs to put her BGP on and deal with it.
It doesn't sound like she ever expected them to fully pay for it, and her statement in caps simply said DOESN'T EVERYONE EXPECT THEIR PARENT'S TO CONTRIBUTE SOME?. Which, no not everyone does, but maybe she grew up with a the "old-fashioned" mindset that her parents would contribute at least a little to the wedding.
I don't know, she doesn't sound like a brat to me. Just someone who is disappointed by some miscommunication. I would be too.
I never even considered that my parents might pay for my wedding and I would never have expected them too.
My parents gave us $ X-amount as a wedding gift. They gave it to us early so we could use it toward the wedding, but it was our present, it was more then generous, and it was all we got.
If my parents had told me, "We will pay for your wedding and the budget is $X," and then a few months later said, "Sorry, nope!" I'd be bummed - but nobody OWES anybody a wedding, and they are not FORCED to elope. They're forced to reevaluate their plans, scale back their budget and pay for it themselves. Walla! Grownups!
Sometimes parents make big promises that they can't come through on and it's really disappointing if you're on the end where the promise was made. So I can kind of understand. I think it just teaches you that you can't count on them, it's very sad. I've gone through this - only it was in situations where my parents offered to help me in several ways (money and other things) where they were unable to come through. It was very disappointing, but I learned my lesson.
@Doglove -- I'm sorry. That sucks.
@Mikesweetie -- yeah I was being hard on her and I did change my approach on subsequent posts. I get it that it would be hard to believe your parents were going to contribute and then due to circumstances beyond anyone's control (the economy) they can't. I just think it was a hard lesson (like Doglove said above) in realizing that you can't count on someone else's money no matter how much that someone loves you. If you want it, you've got to save up yourselves. Especially for a big party like a wedding.
Betty, I almost always agree with you, but I just can't here. My parents told us they would pay for our wedding. All of it. They have more money than they know what to do with, and I was happy to accept their offer (and extremely grateful). We don't have tons of money on hand, after buying a house and a car (we shared one car for 4.5 years and once I got a job, we needed 2 cars), and their contribution meant we could have the wedding we wanted (which was very modest).
Why would I set aside money for something my parents told me they'd pay for? For many years my parents have told me that they would pay for my wedding, and then they did. End of story. I don't think I'm entitled because I spent money on a house and a car so I could get to work instead of the wedding that my parents WANTED to pay for. I know how fortunate I am in this regard (and in many others), and didn't take it for granted for a second.
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I don't get why she can't just push the wedding back. She said her FI thought her parents were paying, so he was all in for the ring and honeymoon, but they actually haven't planned the honeymoon yet, so they theoretically could move back the date....
But the reason they HAVE to get married now is because they live 6 hours apart.
Not computing at all.
Her parents can't pay, so push the wedding back, use some of the honeymoon fund for the wedding fund and have a smaller wedding within the budget with a smaller honeymoon within the budget. It's not rocket science.
That's ok, Katie! We can agree to disagree on this one.
The only thing I was going to say is that it is wise to set aside money if you are in the OP (in the thread I linked) position because in this case her parents promised and could not deliver.
Your situation is drastically different in that your parents had no issue telling you that they could pay and then they did.
My H's parents wanted to pay a huge chunk for our wedding. It was all dependent on a stock that they had invested in a long time ago. They really wanted to help and tried their best. Unfortunately that particular stock did not do as well as they hoped by the time we had to start putting money down. So, in many cases, the "go ahead and save your money up yourselves for what you want" advice is buffer.
Its not necessarily a requirement but if a bride and groom have their heart set on a certain kind of wedding then they should do their best to create a fund to make their dream a reality.
I'm not saying that absolutely a necessity, but it is wise. You are very fortunate to have reliable parental units and nothing big happen to any of the funding.
If you look at it, the same COULD happen to your own funds. Natural disaster, your kitchen catches fire, illness or some other unforeseen thing could make it so that you have to tap into the wedding fund you set aside.
I guess all I am saying is that shyt happens when it comes to weddings and if you want certain things its a good idea to do your best to be self-reliant. That way you don't have to worry about a let-down as much.