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Think I hit rock bottom yesterday..(long)
So, I think I really scared my stbx last night. It all started when he took DS out to church and I started wrapping gifts and I had a nervous breakdown. I was crying hysterically. I cracked open a beer at 10am.. I mean...who does that? It doesn't get worse than that. So, I called my BFF crying hysterically and went to her house. I was supposed to come home around 5 so that stbx could go to a wake (which btw he said on Saturday he didn't even care if he went or not). So by 4:45 he texted me asking me where I was and that he was ready to go. I wrote him back saying I'm having a very very bad day and I wasn't coming home. So, he kept writing me stuff like.. if you had no intentions on coming home, you should've mentioned it earlier, etc... and then he wrote "in all actuality your son has been asking for you.. just sayin" .. so I wrote back "in all actuality 7 yrs ago I was planning a wedding and looking forward to our long loving lives together. So I'm soooo sorry that at this time I am having a very difficult time going through life as it has been dealt to me... just sayin" And when I got home around 10pm he was sleeping on the couch and I FREAKIN LOST IT. I woke him up and went OFF on him. I said I'm so sorry I never made it home tonight, but I am having a nervous breakdown and felt like I wanted to just crawl into a rock and die today. But thats cuz ur an a$$clown and the ONLY reason I don't regret ever being with you is for MY son.. otherwise, if it wasn't for him, I'd slit your fvcking throat (obviously I wouldn't..I'm not violent at all.. but it felt good to say at the time). Then I went upstairs to bed, threw a bunch of *** around and yelled down the stairs that I hope he likes what he sees when he looks in the mirror every day and lives a long happy life.. Seriously, I LOST IT!!! Now, he's texting me all morning about how he regrets ignoring me and not putting my needs 1st.. blaaaah blahh blahh.. but nothing about how he regrets trying to get it on with my BFF or all the other times he's lied/cheated. Nothing mentioned about THAT! I can't believe I lost it like that. Its def not me and not my proudest moment....I don't know what happened. But I guess I needed it though, cuz I feel better today.
Re: Think I hit rock bottom yesterday..(long)
Are you seeing a therapist/counselor?
I agree, especially if your son is being exposed to this type of behavior.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
No, he is not. My son was sound asleep. I would never act out in front of him. In fact, that's why I didn't even come home. I knew I was in bad shape and stayed away.
So, you were worse before?
No, not like this..of course not. Its been helping me deal with my grief. Something just made me snap yesterday. I am not as crazy as this behavior makes it seem I am. I am not perfect and I lost it once. It happened, I am not proud, nor would I ever act this way in front of my child. And the only reason I posted it was so that if there was anyone else who may have lost it or feels they may lose it.. they're not alone. Its very hard dealing with so many emotions at once and having to live with stbx. Its not a healthy environment but for the most part I deal with it and we are very civil. I am always very together. I knew at one point though I'd break. I'm happy its over and now I can move on and I can recognize "losing it" before it happens...if it were to even ever happen again.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
Not to be a jerk, but I grew up in a house where my parents only fought and lost it "when we were asleep" - the shouting always woke me up, and I generally heard every word. It sounds like you are doing the best you can in a tough situation, but please don't assume that just because he was in bed your son was asleep and wasn't affected by this. You may want to look into some counseling for him as well - he's going to need a safe space to work out how he feels about what's going on with mommy and daddy.
I completely agree with this! And although you say your child was asleep, with the way you make it sound, he/she could've easily woken up to the commotion. I get losing it, but you really need to find out what the actual root cause of this was because you need to get it under control ASAP especially for the sake of your child. Good luck.
This, please and thank you! I remember hearing my parents fight when I was "sleeping" as well. Terrified me to say the least. Here's my advice to you:
1. Get your son into a good counselor...even under good circumstances, it's a big adjustment. Be proactive for his best interest.
2. Get yourself to the counselor this week...it's going to be a difficult week. Know that going into it and expect to feel a rollercoaster of emotions. If this was the bottom, be thankful that you hit it and you can only go up from here.
3. If you feel yourself losing it again, please please please walk away. You can never take back those words and not only is it damaging to your son to hear you speak like that to his father (or threaten him) it doesn't help your case if you're going to pursue custody.
4. Not sure why you're still living together (can't remember your backstory) but please find alternative placement. For all of your sakes.
Hang in there!
Now, he's texting me all morning about how he regrets ignoring me and not putting my needs 1st.. blaaaah blahh blahh.. but nothing about how he regrets trying to get it on with my BFF or all the other times he's lied/cheated. Nothing mentioned about THAT!
Wait - is this the BFF who you called while you were crying? The same BFF that your DH tried to get with?
Oh Audg, I am so sorry sweetie.
Sounds like the gift wrapping and absence of your DS was a nasty trigger for you. Hang in there! Stay strong. You are moving towards a better life.
I'm in a similar situation as you (living with StbX while separated and with young children) so I totally get how stressful, depressing, upsetting, just daily events can become.
In addition to this board, http://survivinginfidelity.com/ really helps me as everyone is going through similar events and then of course my weekly IC helped and having my family visit -I just had a good friend followed by my family come stay with me the past two weeks since they are 3000 miles away
My therapist gave me the best advice "Dont look to far in the past, and don't look too far into the future. Just focus on the now" Each time I remember how perfect our relationship was (before we become parents) and my heart starts to bleed with sadness and each time I start to freak out about my uncertain future I just remember that quote and put those thoughts away in the box to deal with later as I turn my attention to what is going on today or this week.
The opposite of love is indifference, so each day as you adjust to loving your ex less and less soon you wont really care about what he did or is doing. You will be wrapped up in the lovely new life you have made for yourself.
**Hugs**