Family Matters
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
1st Christmas after a death in the family
My Papa passed away in June of this year. DH and I have only been back to our hometown once since his passing. (for Papa's funeral) I don't think I really grieved his death while I was there and have had some bad days since. I am not sure how seeing the family will go (we are leaving in 2 days and will be there for 2 weeks) I just don't want to spend the entire time there mourning his lose.
I am just wondering if anyone he ever been in this situation before and what they did to make the holidays easier.
The most beautiful things in the world are not seen nor touched. They are felt with the heart.
-- Helen Keller
Re: 1st Christmas after a death in the family
I am so sorry for your loss. Just try to concentrate on good things and not dwell on your grandfather.
The year that my dad died (in Oct) I pretty much ruined Christmas for my whole family. I sat and cried through the whole get together. I just could not make myself stop. Looking back I wish that I would have just went home, instead of making everyone so uncomfortable.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Well, if you need the whole 2 weeks to mourn and to be there to do it, that is what you need to do.
You will have your good and bad moments while you are there. That is what happens and that is how we slowly move on. There is no way to make it easier and no 2 people go through it the same way, but just stop worrying about it and deal with it one day art a time.
My Dad just died in October (on the same day we euthanized my 14 year old dog) after a short illness, so this is my first Christmas without him. My theory? Anything I feel is ok. Mad,sad? Whatever.
I don't know day-to day how I am going to feel, so I am not going to begin to predict how a major holiday will feel. Also? I am not to worry about any one else.
I think you need to feel what you do, and don't feel bad about it. You can't make the holidays feel easier, or anything else. Just feel what you will and don't worry about anyone else.
Everybody grieves differently, so trying to figure out what it's going to be like and what you should do or say, is not going to work.
That being said, I lost my mom 10 days before Christmas, and DH's dad died on Thanksgiving day when he was a boy (it was one of the things we initially bonded on). The first Christmas was awful, but we all felt it....aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. I honestly think it was worse for me because I have two brothers, and my dad, but being a daughter, you miss your mom. My mom has been gone for over 20 years. Every year on the anniversary of her death, my cousin texts me a message that says she's thinking about me today...very sweet.
We've managed to replace the sad memories with more happy memories. I will tell you that the day after my mom passed, I went ahead and attended a Christmas party at my friends house...and I'm so glad I did. Everyone was just super, and I knew I was surrounded by wonderful friends who helped hold me up from a very difficult time...
One of my grandmothers died just before Christmas one year. She was pretty healthy until a few weeks beforehand, so it was a shock. She loved Christmas, and seeing us all open presents from her. She already had her presents bought for the year and wrapped for that year too, which was so like her and bittersweet.
We had a candle with her picture on it from the funeral which we had lit in the middle of the Christmas table, and we talked about her in our grace. It was very very hard, but knowing how much she would still want us to have a good time it was important that we still celebrate the way we always did.
We have also continued her tradition of the angel tree giving. Every year she picked two boys and a girl off of a tree and bought gifts for them, since that was how many grandkids she had. Each of us are grown now, so we go out and do the same. I always think of her when I buy my gifts for the girl I picked.
To me, it is about honoring the happy memories of that person. That isn't to say you don't miss them, but I want to pay forward those memories to others.
Thanx everyone! I will just have to see how this trip is going to go. DH is veru supportive of me, he lost his grandpa on Christmas eve 2 years ago.
I will get through this I will just need time!
I'm not sure if your "Papa" was your father or your grandfather. Either way, I'm sorry for your loss.
My grandmother died in October of 2006. The holidays that year were pretty tough. They were really hard on my dad, who was her only child, and only a little easier for my mom, my sister, my kids, and I. I'm not going to lie -- tears were shed by all and sundry off and on during Christmas Day.
We didn't try to pretend that things were "okay." We just passed around the tissues and admitted that this was going to be hard to get used to. We hugged a lot, and we even laughed at how weird it felt to be crying on Christmas Day.
I think it's important to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. If you seem to be the only one getting emotional, and it's making others uncomfortable, excuse yourself and let it out. If others are feeling the same way, and you can experience it together, it can be therapeutic. But it's probably not helpful to try to hide your feelings, or pretend like nothing's bothering you.
Hang in there -- it gets less acute every year.
For us, it wasnt dad, it was my brother. He passed away suddenly 1 week after my daughter was born in Jan 2009.
The first christmas was very hard. You wont spend the whole time in mourning, because you have family and family will want to catch up, discuss eachothers lives. I doubt it will be a cry fest for 2 weeks.
Some things you can do to bring the mood up if needed ( a day or two mourning is going to happen, and random times during the 2 weeks) Discuss the fun things that happened with papa. Reflect on the good times, steer away from topics such as how much you miss him and wish he was here. Talk about the things happening in the family here and now.
this will be christmas #3 for us, and already there have been a few moments on the phone when we have all struggled.
But you will be o.k. You will be able to enjoy christmas present, and remember christmas past without crying constantly.
First I am sorry for your loss.
Secondly, I am in the same boat right now. I'm half as$ing Christmas this year...I don't want to decorate, but I'm gift giving to others. I want a simple christmas this year, and be around my family. That's all. No crazy parties, no insane GTGs....I just want to survive this year. I went Christmas shopping for my family, and I saw my grandmother who passed (last month) in everything.
This sux.
To all of you who have lost a loved one - you are in my thoughts and prayers. Truly.
Those first year of holidays after a loved one is gone is so difficult. And even after the first year, they are never the same. As PPs said, everyone grieves in their own ways. My dad died suddenly of a heart attack at 61 in '09 - it still affects my family.
I had my first son in January of 2011 and now I'm feeling everything about missing my dad again. He never got a chance to meet Oliver. My son's first Christmas (and upcoming first birthday) and my dad is not here to celebrate them - it always seems to be something.
But now we've come to reminisce about my dad while we discuss how much we miss him. He shows up in bits and pieces and that's all we can do to make things easier.
GL