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DH is in the dog house - Advice please (long)
Ok so I'm not to happy with Nelson right now & to tell you why I need to go back to last Christmas. SD didn't get me a Christmas gift. After we finished opening gifts & all of the running around & dropping SD off at EX's house I told Nelson that it really hurt my feelings that he didn't make sure that SD got me anything for Christmas. I explained that it wasn't the gift that was important but the thought & love that is shown by giving the gift. He said he understood .....
Fast forward to last night. I had to re-work some of the lights on the tree b/c the top strand went out causing all of the other strands to not work. I had to move several of the presents out of the way along with taking down the ornaments on the top foot or so of the tree. When I got things working again I walked into the den & said to Nelson, "I can't wait to see what SD got me for Christmas." To which DH replies, "Did she buy you something?" I was floored. He forgot AGAIN & now SD is with her mom until Christmas day @ 3pm & there's no way in he!! that he will be able to take her shopping. I find it so incredibly maddening that he would forget AGAIN!!
Each year I take SD shopping & give her a budget & she can buy gifts for Nelson's parents, Nelson's brother, my Mom & Dad and even her b!tch of a mother but no one even thinks about me! Nelson even helped SD make her gift for her mom this year & it NEVER dawned on him that he needs to take her shopping or help her make a gift for me!
I feel so taken for granted, used & generally unappreciated. I told Nelson all of this last night. I reminded him of all that I do for SD includidng planning & paying for her birthday party. He told me that he didn't want me to do all that stuff if I was going to hold it over his head. I told him not to try to turn it around on me & try to make me feel guilty in order to relieve his own guilt. He apologized & is very remorseful but I'm still pissed. How could he be so dense?
I'm not the type to drag things on b/c I don't like drama. It is what it is but at the same time I want him to realize that he really messed up. He knows that I'm mad & I told him that I forgave him but also let him know that it doesn't mean that I'm not still mad.
Please tell me what to do. It's not like this will end our marriage or anything, it's just a pimple on the butt of Christmas, but I just want him to not take me & all that I do for SD for granted anymore.
Thanks for reading this. I look forward to what you have to say.
Re: DH is in the dog house - Advice please (long)
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I don't know if I have any good advice for you, but I don't think you are wrong in the least for feeling the way you do. Everyone here knows how much you care about SD and go ABOVE and beyond for her in every way. I'm actually a little disappointed that she hadn't thought of getting you something on her own (she's certainly old enough to be thinking of that, even if it's just a little craft she made in school, you know?)
Like I said, I don't know what you can do about it other than speak to Nelson, but I think you are justified in feeling slighted. Maybe SD will have a surprise of her own??
I think you are totally justified in feeling the way you do, but I agree that I'm not sure exactly what you can do about it.
I started to get REALLY frustrated this year that I was handling everything for DH's family who is coming for Christmas - I mean seriously he hasn't participated in the purchase of a single gift for any of them. I was stewing about it for a while when I realized that, though my DH has many wonderful qualities, being creative and thoughtful about gifts for others isn't really one of them (he always does good with me but that's his limit I think lol!).
Anyway I know your situation is different because you're trying to teach SD that you give gifts to those you care about, but sadly (at least in my world) if someone just isn't a present-y type of person, it's hard to change them into one! I guess I would try to focus on the ways in which he does appreciate what you do for SD, rather than this one way in which he didn't.
Yea, I think that you more than deserve the thought of giving from SD and Nelson for the SD. Guys are incredibly stupid sometimes, but he needs to be more thoughtful. I think you did the right thing by voicing your opinion, and hopefully he figures something out. I know the EX is crazy, but I am hoping that if he would mention the SD making or buying SOMETHING for you from her between now and Christmas, that EX could handle at least helping a bit...again, even if it just a craft, homemade card, SOMETHING!
(BTW - I had to *remind* Jeff that my stocking is completely empty compared to his and Maggie's...he is AGAIN doing his shopping a few days before Christmas!)
I understand how you feel. Eventhough we don't have kids, my in laws have never given me a gift. It's been 7 year of this. It hurts since I feel obligated to always get them something. This year MIL did ask me for my sizes and maybe she might get me something. Some men are just not detailed enough. My DH is not at all. I get flowers once every 8 months. It's a working progress with him. One year I got him a Valentine's Day Card that said Hi! Happy Valentine's Day. Love Me... He was hurt and said how cold it was. Then the Lion came out of the bag and I went off... "Oh that hurts, let me tell you what hurts....." Then he change for about 3 months and went back to him old self again...
Maybe with what you mention to him might light up that detail light bulb in his head; however, don't feel so bad. You are not the only one with a clueless husband when it comes to sweeping you off your feet with loving details such as a Christmas gift.
A Big Hug to you:
PS: Go shopping and wrap the gift for you from him... I do it all the time and It gets to him since I always go for $200.00 and above..
I totally understand, and would be hurt too in your situation. All I can say is that many (not all) guys don't think of gifts the way that women do. I have to take care of buying every single gift for every person in our lives, always, because if I relied on DH they would never get purchased. He just doesn't see the big deal about them. If I didn't physically point out items to him, he would probably never get me a gift either.
I don't think he did it to be deliberately hurtful, he honestly just didn't think of it (which is hurtful on its own, I know). Hopefully he will have learned his lesson and this will be the last year it's an issue.
I'm so sorry and I totally get why you be be upset. He probably honestly completely forgot, especially since you say that you take SD shopping for everyone else. He assumed that all the shopping is done because you take care of it and it doesn't even cross his mind that he needs to take her to buy you something. I'm sure he feels awful about it.
I do agree though that at SD's age she should definitely be thinking about gifts on her own by now and should ask her dad or mom to take her to get something for you. Or help make something. I wouldn't completely place the blame on your H, but how mad can you really be at a child? Hopefully he will remember next year or you can drop some hints around the beginning of December, because I think we all know that guys are a little clueless and need some help every now and then.
While part of me agrees with this, the other part of me thinks how could she have thought about it if she hasn't been taught to do so? Her mother is clearly batsh!t, and it obviously isn't high on Nelson's priority list. The catch-22 here is that George-Anne wants to teach her (so someone will!!!) but she can't exaclty be like "this is why you should get ME a gift!"
So sorry you are feeling so hurt, and I totally understand. My family has always taught me the joy of giving. And I agree with you that presents are more than just material goods, they are acts of love and respect. Your SD is definitely old enough to understand this, but it sounds like she has just never had anyone teach her this.
It sounds like your DH understands how much he hurt you. I think it's good to let him know your feelings.
I don't really have any advice for your SD, but just some thoughts: Maybe you should give her more responsibilities next year, like making her own list of everyone she wants to give presents to (DH can maybe check it and persuade her to add your name if it's not on there). Also, my parents always made me write thank you cards to everyone that gave me presents, maybe you and your DH should have her do this after Christmas and she will realize that you gave her a present but she didn't give you one.
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Thank you all for your support. My feelings really are hurt & Nelson knows that he screwed up. I think the thing that really drove my point home was when I told him earlier today (after I posted this),"You helped SD make a Christmas gift for EX and it never dawned on either one of you to make/buy something for me." He realized that he helped SD with a gift for someone he hates but didn't do anything for someone he loves.
I agree that SD is old enough to realize who she should be buying gifts for but like several of you said, she has never been taught who to buy gifts for & they they a a sign of love & respect. Her crazy mom certainly doesn't do it.
Again I thank you all so much for being in my corner but more that that I am thankful for your support & empathy. I don't think he'll forget next year.
Exactly!
Yeah and I understand that, but she's obviously been taught by you, George-Anne, that she should take the time to pick something meaningful for everyone else in her life. You take the time to take her shopping and make sure she gets a little something for each person.
I really like Margaret's idea of writing thank you notes, too, if she isn't already doing that. Maybe that will help her sense of being generous and thoughtful for other people doing something nice for her and teach her to do nice things for other people.
I also wanted to say that I think you need to be a little easier on Nelson for him helping SD make something for the ex. Yeah she's the ex and we all know she is crazy, but she's still SD's mom, in the "she gave birth to her" sense, even though she doesn't always act like a mother. Regardless of how she has damaged relationships and treated SD, you, and Nelson, SD still knows this woman is her mom and loves her, even though she may not always act like it. I'm in no way saying all the love and support you've given her doesn't mean anything, because one day SD will realize who is really there for her and truly appreciate what a great mother figure you've been for her, I think you're letting your feelings for the ex color your anger towards your H.
This is a great idea!!! It's a very constructive way of dealing with it.
I completely agree with you on this and we (usually me) always make sure that EX gets something at Christmas, on her birthday & mother's day. I wasn't about him working with SD to help her make something for her mom for Christmas what bothered me was at that point he should have realized, "Hey let's do something for George-Anne too. What do you think she would like?"
I know what you're saying. EX will always be her mom & I honestly respect that - I don't respect her at all but I respect that she is SD's mom. Even if she were a crack 'ho I'd make sure that SD had a gift for her. I know in that instance that it's not about me it's about SD & I'm always glad to help her give something to her mom.
I don't think that my dislike for EX colors my feeling in this situation. I know that I have a place in SD's heart - I just felt taken for granted but you know I read somewhere that when your stepkids take you for granted it is then that you know that you are truly loved. It makes sense if you think about it. She knows that I'll always be there for her & that I'm not going anywhere so she takes for granted that it is always going to be that way and of course, it will.
Thanks for the advice. You really did help me think this through.
I agree & I may do this. Thanks for a great idea!
I really am sorry you feel left out and understand that hurts especially when you do so much for her throughout the year. Hopefully it won't happen in the future.
For this year I just think you should remember how SD would come to you to talk about big problems and tell secrets, things she didn't want to tell her mom. She obviously knows she has someone who really cares about her and the fact that she trusts you and talks to you speak volumes about her true feelings for you.
Just remember all those moments you had this year. And start dropping hints early next year to your clueless H about making sure everyone has a gift
I have to go with everyone else. And emphasis on that last sentence. I'm sorry you've been "jipped" because you do treat S like she's your own child. I'm really surprised that Nelson left that Christmas Detail out, especially after hearing how hurt you were last year.
You are the same way as me - giving comes first. DH always tells SD that it's not his problem anymore to buy her mom a gift from her, that her grandparents can do it from now on. But because giving is what I was taught, my conscience told me to get her mom something because she always gets us something "from Amanda" (even though DH and I take her to pick stuff out on her own for one another).
I just can't believe that someone who gives so much would get such a shaft from the 2 most important people in her life. HUGS!!!
Thank you all for your comments, advice, support & friendship. Nelson and I talked again about it lat night and he feel really, really bad. He even talked to his Dad about it & FIL told me that he felt just rotten. Nelson even texted EX and asked her if he could take SD to lunch one day this week and do some shopping too. She never replied. I told him not to worry about it & that he & SD could come up with something after Christmas.
I wasn't ever really mad at Nelson just disappointed & frustrated & came here to vent & get advice. Thank you all so much for everything. You reassured me that I had a right to be disappointed & frustrated.
I hope that it didn't come across that this was as HUGE issue in our marriage b/c is isn't. Like I said earlier, it was just a pimple on the butt of Christmas.
Thank you again. I love you girls!
::Hugs::
Well, I am doing the pretzel dance that psycho lets him take SD shopping and to lunch this week - perhaps there will be something for the much-deserving SM under the tree come Sunday!
I also like Margaret's idea about having her make a list of who she wants to buy for, as well. And that fact that Nelson went to his dad about his guilt says something as well!!! HOPEFULLY that will make him think next year!!!