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Passive Aggressive, or Just "One of Those Things"??
Well, without going into a HUGE backstory, MIL and FIL have at times been unhealthily possssive about DS. They at times would call him their child, and call themselves Mommy and Daddy and encourage him to do so as well! They would cry when told that we wouldn't need them to watch him for a few days, the list goes on and on and on...
So, a few months ago, the 4 of us sat down (MIL, FIL, H and myself) to discuss these matters. I did most of the talking, but I had the most to say. I basically told them (as gently and firmly as I could) that he is NOT their son, and it is unfair to treat him as theirs. They had their 2 children and raised them the best they could, now its our turn. They were going through a difficult time with their youngest son and seemed to be "filling the void" with my son. They seemed to take it all pretty hard, but over time things have seemed to become much better.
A few weeks ago, I was getting DS dressed for a day with his grandparents, and getting ready for work. Well, I usually avoid it when he goes to the IL's house, but I wasn't thinking this morning and put him in a striped onsie that said "Property of Mom" on it. I didn't give it much thought until my mom brought him to my office at the end of the day. (My mom picked him up from IL's house and spent some time with him that afternoon so I could work longer.)
He wasn't wearing the shirt I'd dressed him in. The pants were the same, but not the shirt. I looked in the diaper bag, it wasn't there... I chose not to think much of it, because I have a 19 month old boy and sometimes he gets dirty. Maybe he got something on it and they decided to wash it for me instead of sending it home dirty. But that was 3 weeks ago, and the shirt still hasn't returned...
So now I'm wondering if they are slipping back into their old ways and we may need to prepare for another "talk" or perhaps not having them watch DS every week like they do... Am I completely overreacting? I feel like I may be, but history has me a little extra concerned...
Re: Passive Aggressive, or Just "One of Those Things"??
Have you asked them about the shirt?
There's a decent chance that it got dirty, they threw it in with their laundry, and just haven't made calling you to return it a priority.
If you truly think that there's a chance that the shirt "offended" them enough that they took it off of him, I think you're nuts for continuing to let them watch your son. Free childcare isn't worth that.
In light of your recent discussion with them, putting him in that shirt was like firing a salvo across her bow. If anyone's actions could be interpretted as passive aggressive, IMHO, they would be yours.
What auntie said.
And find new daycare. This one is not 'free'.
Yeah. I was reading your post thinking "Really? Dude, really?" Intentional or not, that was pretty low.
I would not bring up the issue of the shirt. You said things had been better. Keep working with that.
Yeah, I am thinking you're probably the passive aggressive one here. There was really no need for the onsie you put the LO in; low blow.
Put on your big girl panties and ASK about it. Then, like Sue said, get a new sitter. Is your sanity worth nothing to you?
I can see how you would get that. Although I had tried to make it a point to NOT have him in that shirt when they were going to be around. And FWIW, the talk we had was months ago. I just happened to be in a hurry that day and didn't put any thought into it.
I can see however, how they could have taken that offensively. See, that's why I asked! You guys always help me to see things from another perspective. Thanks!
It's just a shirt. I'm sure he has plenty of others.
And from the kid's POV, it's offensive you'd consider him property. Do you? DO you consider him property?
See how stupid these things get.
mmmm, I can't be the only one who thinks that the shirt thing is a teensy tiny compared to your in-laws total wierdness. They called themselves Mommy and Daddy to your young son and freaking encouraged him to do the same thing?!!
That's some creepy-ass sh!t there. I would think it definitely is overwhelming evidence that they have some issues and that your son should not be left alone in their care.
Unless the shirt was made of diamonds and therefore worth a bucket of money, forget the shirt. Who cares about the shirt? They're obviously completely detached from reality and I wouldn't leave them alone with a potato gun, much less my son. Seriously, if there is someone who is unstable enough that you have to be careful about what silly little saying is on your son's clothes then they don't need to be alone with him.
No good will come from letting them babysit.
Etsy shop
Why would you continue to leave your child in the care of people who have so little respect for boundaries that they would encourage your child to call them Mommy and Daddy?
The shirt is the least of your issues.
Why didn't your husband do most of the talking? Are the two of you not on the same page about his parents?
This.
You know there are issues, respect the issues, don't poke the bears by giving them authority over your son.
There's a price on your sanity and a price to have them be 'daycare'.
Agreed. The shirt is a small thing. There are larger issues. Although the issues have been much smaller lately.
We actually stopped having them watch him for a while and then after a lengthy discussion agreed that they could watch him 2 days a week. The other 3 he is in daycare. It was a compromise, and has worked out really well so far. I don't care about the shirt, it's just a shirt and he has plenty. He wouldn't have even had the shirt if it hadn't come in a package with a bunch of other onsies. It just seemed wierd that this particular shirt disappeared. But I can see , in retrospect, how it could have hit a sore note with them.
H and I are on the same page with this issue, but he and his dad are so much a like that they have trouble actually "listening" to each other. So I did most of the talking during our "conversation" after he and I discussed things together. We both agreed that they would be most receptive that way. MIL actually approached me a couple of weeks later and thanked me for the "talk". She said that she hadn't realized they were doing it, but they were not respecting our boundaries and she really respected the way that we handled it. FIL has never brought it up and I don't expect him to. That just wouldn't be like him.
The mommy and daddy thing I think came from FIL mainly. He told us before DS was born that he wanted to be called "Dedicek" which is Czech for "Grandpa" (sounds like Dad-ih-check). The problem arose when he started shortening it to "Dadi". Then it morphed into them calling DS "their son" and "their baby", and so on. I agree that they are wierd about DS, but I also have to remember that he is their first grandson, and they are going through a tough time with BIL. So they are extra clingy to DS.
I am glad you were able to work things out with your ILs by talking to them. I would let the shirt thing go. I agree that you can dress your son in whatever you want. However, I do not think you were being sensitive to the situation when you put him in that shirt.
Wait, so what happened to the shirt?
I understand he could've gotten it dirty and they took it off of him, or whatever, but have they given it back?
They haven't returned it and I haven't asked for it. I guess I've just decided that if I ask about it, I run the risk of offending them more by making it seem like the shirt is important to me when it really isn't. No harm is done in not getting the shirt back, he has plenty of clothes and if he doesn't have the shirt anymore then I don't have to worry about making sure he's not wearing it when the ILs are around.
I am more concerned by what I percieved to be their reaction to the shirt.