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What would you do? Advice please.
Hubby's great aunt Sophie is almost 103 and the doctors don't expect her to last the week. I've "met" her a few times, but she's never been "there" so it's not like I know her at all and she doesn't know me.
DH asked me to look up how much flights would cost to go to the city where she is in case she passes away and we have to go there next week. Do I have an obligation to go? I mean, for family support I guess? My husband wasn't close to Sophie, it was FIL who really knew Sophie in her prime.
I don't have the best relationship with the inlaws, and I'm still uncomfortable around them (though I'm not really sure what they think of me). I don't know what value it would be for me to be there if they have a service. It would be respectful, for sure, but other than that I'm just not sure why I need to go. DH and I are very tight on money right now--we can barely buy inexpensive christmas gifts for family--and I feel like a plane ticket for myself would just be wasted money since I never even knew Sophie...but I know her family, so that has to count. This is why I'm not sure what to do.
Am I wrong? Am I being insensitive? Should I ask DH if it's necessary for me to go, or just go with the flow? And if you were in my inlaws' shoes--if I didn't go, would that look like an insult to them? I'm torn.
Edit this evening:
H says that the expenses (or at least some of them) would probably come out of the "Family Emergency Fund"---apparently when his grandpa was alive, he put away a bunch of money for situations like this. Smart.
SIL isn't sure that Aunt Sophie will last the night now, which would mean we'd go this week instead of next week. But They also said that Sophie wouldn't make it to Thanksgiving last year, so she sure is a fighter. We'll just have to wait and see.
The worst part....I mentioned how FIL was closest to Aunt Sophie. Well it turns out he's gotten picked for jury duty this week, and they won't let him off because Aunt Sophie isn't "directly related" (not a sibling or parent). What a slap in the face! Hopefully it'll work out...
Re: What would you do? Advice please.
I think you need to ask your DH about this and about what he wants. If he agrees with you, then don't go.
I don't know that I'd worry all that much about how the IL's would feel. You really didn't know her, your DH isn't much closer than that - and money is really tight for you all. This just isn't a situation I'd go into debt over to be perfectly honest.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
First of all, funerals are for the living, not the dead. It's really not relevant that you didn't know Aunt Sophie.
Second, I would just ask your husband if he wants you to go or if he wants to save the money and go himself.
Well they say that funerals aren't for those who passed but for the ones they left behind. You would be going to support your FIL at this time.
I really don't know what is best here. I guess it depends on how your FIL is handling her death and how much he would need the family support.
For me, if it was someone like that, I would be okay with DH not coming, but then again, if it was someone I was close with, I would also be okay with it simply because I handle death my own way and don't need/want support.
I'd ask my H if he wanted me to come with him and go if that was what he wanted.
I don't know any of DH's aunts and uncles (DH grew up very far from our home) but I wouldn't consider skipping a funeral service. I've been to several - one where our summer vacation was interupted and DH's brother had to ransack our closet and meet us with appropriate clothes for the service.
Inability to afford the trip it is perfectly reasonable to skip attendance. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. But you have every right and reason to be there. Your husband's great aunt died.
I would leave it up to your DH. If he wants you to go, then go.
You can also get a bereavement fare on some airlines. I went to a funeral for my great aunt this summer and AA gave me a huge discount so I could fly directly into a small town airport.
You mean AAA, right? Not AA - Alcoholics Anonymous.
AA could also be American Airlines....
I think that going would be the best option. You should be there for your H as well as showing support for your ILs, whether you were close to Aunt Sophie or not. Also, especially if you don't have the best relationship with them then this may add fuel to the fire. However, if finances are really tight then it may make sense to have your H just go alone and at some point explain how you wish you could have been there but your budget doesn't really allow it. Maybe even send a card with him from you. This just happened recently to a good friend of mine. Her H left to Toronto, alone, since his grandfather was very sick and they didn't think he was going to make it. Financially they couldn't swing two tickets + days off, so they decided it was best for just him to go. Speak with your H about how he feels and possibly your in-laws and let them know your situation.