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I feel like I got duped. Now what? (super long, preschool-related)
One of the other moms in DD1's class (A) approached me and some other moms in November with the idea of doing an out-of-class party & gift exchange. She said she would organize activities, invite people, and get them to sign up to bring food; I volunteered to host it at my house, since she would be taking care of all that and we're very close to the school.
Now, I assumed that this was for DD1's class, and everyone would be invited, siblings welcome -- since that's how it was framed, and she was going around to other moms in the class talking it up. I thought I'd see invites in cubbies, but A carried them around with her and parceled them out. Okay, a little odd, but I still thought she was getting everyone, just doing it face-to-face -- she said we couldn't post things in the classroom, which I thought was a school policy b/c it was an out of class party. I even mentioned that she should make sure that the four kids who ride the bus got invites. She said that she was doing invites in the other preschool class as well, which I thought was odd -- but I was just like, whatever, I think she has a child in there, I guess the party will be a bit bigger than I'd expected.
When I went to the official class holiday party on Friday, I was horribly embarrassed to find that at least two moms said they hadn't been told/invited. I apologized, gave them the party info, and directed them to A, who had conveniently forgotten to bring her slips of info about the party. She got them names in the gift exchange and had them sign up to bring food. Everything seemed to work out, I figured it was an oversight and now everything was fine.
I found out at the gift exchange party (the late invitees didn't come, and I don't blame them!) that there were at least seven kids in DD1's class -- of SIXTEEN, that's almost half! -- who were NOT invited, aka A "didn't talk to them" because she "didn't want like 40 people to show up." Meanwhile, the party was heavily weighted toward A's friends from the other class and their children, plus her own and apparently at least a couple of kids she does daycare for (I don't know who is who of the six kids she brought).
I feel like I got completely duped into hosting a gift exchange party for A, instead of for DD1's class, and I have a VERY bad taste in my mouth about it. I hate mom-politics, I hate excluding people, and now it looks like I've been part of doing just that -- with preschoolers, for God's sake! I thought this woman was pretty nice, and I'm so disappointed and pissed to be caught up in something like this, only halfway through DD1's first freaking year of preschool!
But do I say something, and what? I won't see A until class starts again in January, and I feel like it'll be old news to bring it up at that point -- plus, I don't want to get into an argument with her at pick-up in front of the kids, KWIM? Speak up only if she asks me to be involved with something else? Chalk it up to a learning experience and make sure that I know a hell of a lot more detail about anything else I get involved with?
Just writing this out, I'm angry and hurt and upset all over again, and I absolutely hate that so many kiddos -- many of whom have SN -- were deliberately left out. And to put on the icing, I put DD1's birthday invites (to everyone!) in cubbies on that last day of class during the holiday party, so I hope she doesn't get snubbed because of my naivety. 
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
Re: I feel like I got duped. Now what? (super long, preschool-related)
Blissfully has a good idea to let A know that you are going to apologize to the other parents, but are you 100% sure they didn't get the invites to the party? I only say that b/c even if those two mom's didn't, maybe a lot of them chose not to come. We invited all of my son's class to his birthday and only 5 kids out of 30 came.
Honestly, even if another mom did excluded me from an outside class party, I wouldn't take it personally and would instead just assume they knew each other from playdates and such. I doubt I'd be even remotely upset as an outsider and it might be weird if someone sent me a hand-written note apologizing for something I didn't really know or care much about. I guess if it were me, I'd just move on and not plan anything with A again.
Are you united with the CCOKCs?
I like this approach. I would not want to be the target of blame and I would actually offer to do an Easter/spring themed one with everyone or at a park or something. That is just effed up.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
I like this idea and I would suggest hosting a Valentine's Day GTG for DD1's class.
See, but I feel like a note comes off as tattling. And if they didn't know about the party -- and other than the two moms who got late invites, I think most of them honestly did not; a big chunk of those were the bus-kids -- I feel like it doesn't really help things to write a note saying "hey, there was this party at my house and your kid didn't get invited and it wasn't my fault!" I think that just expands the drama without really doing much good.
I think maybe I'll apologize again when class starts, face-to-face, to the moms who got late invites, make sure they know that they and their kiddos are VERY welcome to DD1's birthday party (first week of January). I'll also see if I can find A's number and put in a phone call to let her know that while the party was a great idea, I am not happy that so many people were left out and that I won't host anything else unless EVERYONE from DD1's class gets invited. And make absolutely sure of that from here on out, even if it means doing invites myself.
*sigh* This is such a bummer. I truly didn't think that I needed to say, "Everyone's invited, right?" It seemed like a no-brainer, but I guess not. And frankly, it really puts me off from wanting to host anything, if this is the kind of mess it turns into.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
And yes, I do know specifically from A herself that at least seven kids weren't invited. The two moms who got late invites only because I talked with them; plus the four kids who ride the bus, plus one other family. At the party, she thought one person was missing who had RSVP'd, and so I was going down the list of kids in the class, and she kept going, "Oh no, I didn't talk with them, didn't talk with them, didn't talk with them ..."
I was appalled and didn't know what to say, and of course it was too late to do anything about it.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
Ah, so if this is the case, I think you're right not to send individual notes or a global apology. Honestly, I think you're right to be miffed at A and maybe if another party or get-together comes up, I'd just let her know at that time that you "had been a little disappointed in the Christmas party would have included all of DD's class, but perhaps the next one you'll be more clear since you don't mind having the entire class over to your house." If it doesn't present itself to mention anything...I hope karma will exclude her from some party someday.
Are you united with the CCOKCs?
Lesson learned and move on
If you are going to host a party, do the invites. I just had my first exposure this past weekend with a school friend's birthday party. I believe that all the kids in the class were invited, but, out of 15 or so kids, only 2 showed up. I have a lot to learn about this myself.
I think I would agree with Carrie--lesson learned, move on. If it comes up with some of the moms, I would say you're sorry and there was a miscommunication where you thought all the kids were invited. I think your idea of apologizing with the other moms who got the late invites is good.
I don't even think I'd raise it with A, but maybe it's because I'm conflict adverse. I would just be careful and very specific in the future--or handle it yourself.
What is SN, by the way?
Special needs. In other words, the kids most likely to be excluded anyway from stuff with their typical class peers. And DD1 is on the autism spectrum (even though most non-professionals can't tell), so I'm extra sensitive to kids with differences being excluded.
It wasn't across the board; A did invite both of the little girls in the class with Downs. But I also don't want kids left out just because they happen ride the bus and it's a little more effort to get in touch with their parents.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010