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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
If you hope/want/plan to marry again
Why do you want to be married?
And I'm asking about reasons unrelated to the person. (So, not because "s/he is awesome!" etc.)
But why do you buy into the institution of marriage?
Or, why do you want to be married versus, say, committing and living together forever, but unmarried?
Legal benefits? Religious reasons?
What is it about "being married" that makes you want that?
This is kind of an open-ended question, so interpret it however you'd like. Just trying to start an interesting topic of discussion, here...
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Re: If you hope/want/plan to marry again
I definitely want to get remarried. I want to do it the right way because I feel like I never really got to experience a "true" partnership before. I'm old fashioned so I do believe in the institution of marriage. I like the idea of having someone to grow old with, who understands me better than anyone else and loves me for my qualities, good and bad. I also like the idea of coming home each night, sharing a meal together, and talking about our day. I want more children too (at least one) and I want to be married when I have more (just my preference here).
I love having a home, decorating it, cooking dinner together, sharing in household chores, and just being a wife. Even though my marriage was a false front before, I did like the idea of it all.
I'm sure all of this could be accomplished without the nuptials, but I believe in "making it official" so to speak. I know it's not for everyone, but it's important to me.
I'm lazy and tired so I'm just going to say that I was going to write everything achase said. I too feel like I got "cheated" out of what marriage was supposed to be. I never got the whole partnership or love thing and I'm definitely looking forward to that.
Why do you want to be married? To know that I have a certified partner in life. By taking vows you are promising each other a life time. I'm a sappy romantic and knowing I have someone to turn to any given day gives me confidence to reach for the stars.
But why do you buy into the institution of marriage? I'm very old fashioned.
Or, why do you want to be married versus, say, committing and living together forever, but unmarried? I personally believe this is an option for those not wanting kids. When you bring kids in to the mix without someday getting married, it can be very confusing when raising them.
Legal benefits? Religious reasons? Religious reasons
What is it about "being married" that makes you want that? Marriage gives you this security field. I heard on the radio this morning about people who wear fake wedding rings to prevent being hit on. If you tell someone you have a bf/gf they think they still have a chance. You tell them you are married it keeps people from trying to come between you and your SO.
Really though, as I said above. The commitment that you make when getting married is something I really want and need. I want more kids and there is no way I will raise another on my own without someone making that commitment to me beforehand.
Why do you want to be married? Because I want to have a family and I just wouldn't feel right having kids without being married.
Or, why do you want to be married versus, say, committing and living together forever, but unmarried? For the above reason
Do you mind if I ask why? Not judging at all, as I have no children myself so I'm not even weighing in on it, I'm just curious.
If I find someone that I am willing to commit the rest of my life with, I would totally get married again. I wouldn't want to date someone for the next 40 years.
It would be for my own personal reasons and definitely not religious.
When I was married to X, I hated it. I didn't like being married, I didn't even like wearing my e-ring or wedding band. I was pretty miserable.
I haven't posted this before, but you know after you say your vows and you walk to the back of the church and everyone is hugging you and congratulating you and you're supposed to be all happy? Well, the thoughts that were going through my head were, "WTF did I just do." I think it would be nice to feel what the PPs want to feel in a marriage, too. It would be nice to be with someone that has expressed that they WANT to be with you for the rest of their lives and actually mean it.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
Legal benefits, not only for myself but for any children. Put me down as another person who believes that babies come after the wedding, not before. I want to make sure there's a solid foundation before I commit to another partnership, and I want to make sure there's a solid commitment before I build a family. Marriage solidifies that commitment. My opinion comes more from a practical source rather than a religious one or because I'm "traditional". I don't want to spend my life as someone's partner, but then have no say over their long-term care or end-of-life decisions. If I'm going to spend my life with someone, I want to be all-in.
So if you're not married there are tons to consider. Who's last name? Do you hyphen? Which religion? Also to consider if you are living together but not married is it ok for your daughter to live with someone with no desire to get married because you and her father did? And furthermore because you never got married are you not going to urger her to wait before having sex?
When you get married most of these are thought out prior to getting married because you want them sorted out for after you tie the knot.
Honestly, superficially, I love the idea of being someone's wife. The idea of coming home to a husband each day. I feel like I was cheated in that I chose the wrong man for me, and that he was also cheated by having a wife that went into it not following her gut that said "NO he's not right".
I would love for my daughter and any future children to be raised in a home with something resembling the "nuclear family". I'm a little old fashioned that way.
I believe that marriage should be the final step to say that you believe you belong with that person and that you're not going to leave them willy nilly. My STBXH and I didn't have "major" issues, it was more that we just aren't right to be together and to change that would involve changing the essential things of our personality, which is against my beliefs.
I wish I could vocalize more why I would want to get married again, but maybe I will be better able to describe it when I am done mourning my loss and ready to look at the idea of marriage again as well as the potential of itactually happening.
I second what Achase says, though I also want to add that my own belief system is to also desire God's design of marriage.
However, I am not sure I will remarry as much as I want to. First, I have to find a good man that will accept me and love me for who I am with my past and all that as well as love my son as if he was his. I won't settle for less than that.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I echo a lot of previous posters, but it's the commitment. I dated my ex for 4 years before marrying and then we waiting 2 before having a child. I took my vows very seriously, and I wouldn't enter into another marriage lightly either. I would never want to put my daughter through divorce again.
I think the institution of marriage is old fashioned and I love that. It's a great role model for children and what I'd want my daughter to strive for. Religiously, I believe in it, but it's more of a social norm I believe in I guess.
I love having something there for everything life throws at you. You build a family together and that's all I've ever wanted.
I don't know if I'm being cynical about this or what.. I'm certainly not judging anyone in the least bit because I believe in to each their own.. but I just feel like the majority of the reasons I'm reading are not 'marriage exclusive" if that makes sense. Building a life and having a partner always there and feeling the love, etc etc can be achieved by a partner.. right?
I understand religious reasons, but I can't see the other reasons.
I know you all don't know my tone yet I'm sure, so please don't take this as snark or anything, I'm just genuinely interested in this. I like to see new perspectives.
I enjoyed being a wife, having someone there to comfort me when I had bad days, someone who made me feel special. And the STBX did do that in the beginning. But I want someone I can trust, someone who I know loves me completely and I don't have to worry about leaving home alone.
I want to be married again someday because I believe in it. I believe in long term committment. I believe in taking vows.
Beyond that I want the rights that go along with it.
I am definetly in the category of Faith. But I know some couples in long term relationships (more than 20 years) decided to get married as they reach retirment ages for other purposes and medical reasons.
I completely agree with you two girls! I also would like to have children someday and I really would like to be married for that.
This is actually a really good question and one I've been struggling with... I was ambivalent about getting married again, then I met D. We've been dating four months and he really is an incredible man... we're both very much invested in creating a future together. The idea of marriage isn't what I'm attracted to, it's the idea of being married to him, but his marriage/divorce was terrible and he's said he's not really sure if he ever wants to get married again. It's not that he can't make a commitment to me, I've already met his kids who he adores and we've talked about my moving to be with him. If I did move, he said it would be with the commitment that we'd be living the rest of our lives together, not just "seeing how it goes"
So I'm left with the dilemma of whether I'm willing to walk away from an AMAZING man because I want to get married or if I could be happy living the rest of my life with him w/o marriage. It's a really interesting concept to think about. My twin sister has been with her boyfriend for well over 10 years and they are perfectly happy and committed to one another...
It's something I'm really going to examine over the coming months and decide if it's a dealbreaker for me or not. I just really don't know right now. D knows how I feel and he's said that he's going to really give some thought to the idea, and I'm perfectly fine being patient because I know his marriage has left some scars.
For the record, I don't want children and he's done having them.
To Jakes and others, regarding sorting out details of last name, religion, etc when raising a kid - SO and I have discussed this in case we got pregnant before we get married. I would prefer to be married first, but to think that those details go undiscussed is silly.
TBH, I would love to remarry and be with my SO. That said, I refuse to overromanticize it too. I want to be a wife, build a home and family, but I know SO and I could build that with out marriage bc I am with the right person.
I don't know if that makes sense. But I won't marry for the idea of marriage. I will marry bc I am ready and I am 100% sure it is the right timing.
You know, I have asked myself this after my marriage went kaput but several unmarried but longterm committed couples I know are doing just fine. I am still tossing around my reasons. Right now I don't have any other than I know that's what feels best for me.
Because I feel like I had a very skewed view of marriage and what it should be, and I rushed into it the first time. I feel like I cheated myself out of something that could have been good (I don't have regrets about my marriage ending, it certainly wasn't right in any capacity and our relationship wasn't healthy).
I would be comfortable with the idea of living together for a few years before being married as long as children weren't in the picture (I really could go either way on having kids).
I don't know exactly how to describe it other than I believe in my second chance. But at this time, I don't really want a wedding unless my hypothetical fiance would want one (especially if he's never been married previously). Planning was too stressful.
Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful answers!
I think they are important questions, especially for those of us (like me) who got married the first time just because it was what we thought we were "supposed" to do.
I think major, life-changing actions should have a thought-out meaning behind them.
I have an open ended question too...if ya'll don't mind.
PUGS says she believes in her second chance, and it seems a lot of you feel the same way, you just didn't word it that way.
I agree too, in that I feel I deserve/believe in my 2nd chance. But do you think this creates additional pressure to "find the right one" and maybe over analyze? Maybe some people are setting themselves up for failure b/c of the added pressure?
Just a thought...
I agree with your Carrots. Sometimes I find myself "trying" to find flaws or issues with BF bc im scared. Im scarred to make the same mistake (or similar mistakes again) because I dont want to go through divorce again. This is something I am working on with therapist.
This is a great question/thought... I've really had to think about WHY I want a second marriage. Yes, the idea of standing in front of my family and friends and saying my own vows is really enticing. And honestly, hell yeah, I want to wear a designer dress and hire a PHENOMENAL photographer to capture some gorgeous images. I can admit to being that superficial... But these reasons don't hold any weight... that's not about marriage... that's about a wedding.
And I think another reason is that part of me wants validation, like "See, I'm getting it right this time! Look look!" And I have to think do I really need the validation? And why? I think there's some pressure from society, that if you live long-term with someone, it's not "real" unless you're married. Maybe I'll eventually decide that I truly do want to get married again or maybe I'll eventually come into a space of not needing it and living my life on my own terms.
A marriage doesn't mean fidelity or commitment is a given, it's the person and their actions that truly make a relationship.
I can see where that would be a problem for a lot of women/men the second time around. Personally, it was easier for me to say no to men, but I feel like this HELPED me. I set standards and have stuck to them and I found a great guy. My standards however were not set to find "perfection". There were deal breakers, but you can't sweat the small stuff.
This is where my head is on this right now. I just can't understand why the items listed above, beyond religion, make any difference if you're married or with a partner. I'm not looking to be sold on marriage, just trying to to understand what defines a marriage that doesn't define a lifetime partnership (again besides religion) that makes you need it?
ITA. I feel this way too, which is why I brought it up. I certainly go through my own issues and I'm petrified of divorce and getting hurt again.
I also recognize that I am my own worst enemy 9 times out of 10. I struggle with that, a lot.