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My Cheating Husband
I decided I needed to create a new ID (my third...I also have my old Knot ID and the one I use to normally post on The Nest) because I need to stop lurking on here and just post. I found out on 12/11, via an email from the STBX of my H's OW, that my H has been having an affair since August. By snooping, I also found out that they have cooled things off as of this past weekend. My H, to the best of my knowledge, does not know that I have this information. I am trying to keep it together through New Year's before I do anything because I just can't deal with it right now. I have not yet told my family (and have no idea how to do so). I have told some of my friends, including those I am closest to (two of whom have been through divorce before), and they have been of great support.
I have no interest in staying in a marriage where infidelity has occurred, so right now, I am trying to plan how to get my ducks in a row so I can take steps after the holidays. I know that I have to find a counselor to talk to, as well as an attorney, and I feel totally stuck in that regard. I really feel like this is something happening to a third party, and I am just an observer. It's a weird feeling.
I guess I just wanted to post my intro here because I know that many of you know what I am going through right now, and I think that will become important as this progresses. We actually don't have a lot of financial stuff combined. We have our own accounts and health insurance, he owns the house, we divide up expenses to make a relatively even split, we don't have kids. We share a cell phone plan and auto insurance, and that's it. I live in a no-fault state, so I am hoping we can go that route, although if he objects, I am willing to fight. I guess right now I am just numb and sad and feel stuck. I have picked a counseling practice and an attorney I plan to contact, but I can't bring myself to do it yet.
Any words of wisdom and support will, of course, be appreciated.
Re: My Cheating Husband
I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now... sending you a lot of positive thoughts and wishing you a much happier year.
It will get harder before it gets better, but I can promise you (along with a lot of the other women on the board) that it will get better.... so much better than you can imagine right now.
Im sorry to hear about the sh!tty hand you've been dealt right in the middle of the holidays. Be sure to use this "in between" time to get your ducks in a row, as you said.
Stay strong - we are here for you.
You can do it.
Taking the first steps of contacting those entities was the HARDEST part for me. I don't know why. Maybe because it makes it very REAL, and you have to say things out loud at that point. It's scary.
But you have to get the ball rolling, you know that, and this is how you do it. You take your lunch break, or some other break, and you take the phone numbers and go outside, or into an empty conference room at your office, and you just dial the numbers. You tell them what you need. You get it over with.
You'll feel better once you do - I promise!
I'm sorry you're going through this. But you sound really strong and in control. Good for you! I hope you can keep your strong center as you go through this process.
While getting your ducks in a row try to get mentally prepared for your H's reaction. My guess is that he'll deny the affair. Or, he'll admit to it, say how sorry he is and beg you not to leave. If you're as sure as you appear to be about getting a divorce, stand your ground. Don't let him manipulate you into staying if that's not something you're prepared to do. Good luck -- you're in the very beginning of an emotional draining process. Not to scare you, but it's going to be difficult. It sounds like you're preparing to make all the right steps though. A counselor and an attorney are two resources that will be extremely valuable to you.
This exactly. And just wanted to say you sound very strong, I wouldn't be able to hold it in.. I don't know how you are able to do that, but good for you. Everyone deals with things in different ways. I am just so sorry you have to deal with this! **hugs**
So, the ex-boyfriend of your Husband's mistress wrote you an email saying that his ex and your husband have been having an affair? Do you know him? Do you know her? Are you positive that infidelity has occurred?
I know this all probably isn't relevant. I was just curious.
Also - I admire you for trying to hold all of this in through the holidays. When I found out mine was cheating, I confronted him that same day. I knew I could not look at him, much less sleep in the same bed with him and pretend that everything was fine when I was dying inside. There was no way I could fake it.
Like the others said, it sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders. I'd get all the evidence of the cheating, confront him when you're ready, and move forward. Your husband is going to be blindsighted completely by this, which I'm sure you already know, and if he wants to fight for it, he'll probably suggest counseling. I'd think about what your answer is going to be and if you're even the slightest bit interested in working it out before he asks you that question.
Good luck! Many of us have been through the same thing and have lived to tell the tale.
She said she found out by snooping that they had cooled things off, so it sounds like she has some pretty concrete proof to me. I know several people who have found out about their spouse cheating because the spouse of the other woman/man called them.
Phoenix - good luck to you. I know how hard it is to "fake it" over the holidays. Dec 23 last year was the first time I had an inkling that my H was cheating (he came home late smelling like alcohol and told me it was none of my business where he was). I had to fake it through Christmas and New Years. We tried for most of this year to reconcile, I even packed up and moved across the freaking country with him to try to make him happy (and to get him away from the OW), but it was really one-sided and he cheated again with someone else. You are smart to start getting your ducks in a row now. IMO, a one night stand where someone does something stupid and is remorseful MIGHT be something you can eventually get over. A relationship spanning several months takes clever, calculated lying, and is a pretty good indicator that this person will probably do this again. I couldn't trust someone again who did something like that, especially now that I've lived through it and have seen what can happen.
Otto
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This 100%. It is the most insane rollercoaster you will ever be on, but it does get better. ((hugs))