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I have so much angry (Intro)
I have been lurking for a while. Finally decided to put it out there since I don?t know what to do anymore with how I feel and how to feel normal again. I got married 2 years ago, moved to another state for my husband (his state b/c of his job). I started working and things seemed normal. We had what seemed like small bumps in the at first...you know the whole he is messy I?m neat, he watches to much sports etc. Never living together or never being in the same state I think was huge, which we saw in the beginning. Well it started getting worse b/c I would notice he would want to spend more and more time with his friends, he would get defensive when I would ask about phones call or emails coming over late. I saw emails where he flirted with a co-worker. Then I found out he was abusing prescription drugs. When I confronted him on it, he lost his mind, called ME crazy and didn?t talk to me for 3 days. He admitted it months later, but told me he was done with it. He convinced me he did it once in a while with his friends. Well that just made me trust him less, which put more pressure on us. I became insistent to see emails and know where he was going. I would find pills hidden; he would convince me they were from a while ago. He started making me feel like maybe I was crazy and maybe I was looking to much into things. But it just got worse, I would notice he was always sleepy, and never wanted to do anything and mood swings. he would blame things on how hard he works. When we would fight he would be so mean to me, at one point telling me he takes pills b/c of me!!! I was always upset, he would ignore me and never want to spend time with me. When we would fight he would scream where I would think the windows would break, he would say the meanest things to me. I tried to tell his brother, his brother didn?t believe me. His parents didn?t want to get involved. I felt so alone, in another state where no one believed me and my husband was slipping away. I got him to go to therapy with me, but that lasted twice...I then kept going myself. He wouldn?t go to counselor, I tried getting him to go to church with me...I cried, I fought, I lost myself...I finally said enough. I told him this was it we need to get a divorce, at first he agreed...then he said he wanted to try again. I said ok....we were ok for a month, then I found pills again. So over the summer I said enough, and I put the house on the market. He tried to ?postpone things?, like starting the paperwork for the house, starting divorce paperwork. He kept saying ?I thought we were doing better?. He didn?t get it. The house sold within a month, I was shocked, I took it as a sign. When we accepted the offer STBXH cried all night. I couldn?t understand, he was upset but yet couldn?t do anything to save our marriage. I told myself he won?t change and I can?t help someone that won?t help themselves. We moved out, I moved in with a friend from work. We meet up here and there to exchange things from the house, I tried to keep it civil b/c I didn?t want it to get bad. I felt ok, I felt like I started healing. He would call and tell me he missed me and wanted to see me. I missed him too, but I couldn?t live like that. I missed the person I married, not this person he became. Well the day we were set to sign the final paper work for our divorce...his brother calls me. Basically saying STBHX confessed his prescription drug problem to him last night and also told his parents and he is at the doctor right now getting treatments etc. And his brother wanted to know if I could push off the papers for a week while he recovers b/c he had bad withdrawal symptoms. I said fine. His brother and I had words e.i. me telling him ?I told you so?, he just apologized and said he wished he listened to me. STBXH called a few days later, I asked him ?what made him decide now to come clean?....his answer ?I just had enough, and I was ready?. I was SO MAD. I didn?t say anything at first b/c I know he is sick...but I?m FURIOUS!!! Why NOW? Why after all I went through. I dealt with this for 2 years, alone, and NOW after we are done he is getting better!?!? I?m so resentful towards him now. We finally got together to sign the papers; at first he didn?t mention the papers. He wanted to apologize in person. I told him that doesn?t mean anything to me b/c of everything that happened. I told him I?m angry, he just said I had ever reason to be. I kept asking why NOW, why not 6 months ago when he could have saved out marriage? He has no answer. I told him, he ruined our marriage and broke me. He agreed ....we talked more, then I took out the papers...he said ?what if I don?t want to sign?? I said ?I don?t know?. He signed and I left. I can?t get the hatred out....I feel awful and I?m so angry about it!! All I wanted was to be married to him and be a good wife. How do you guys deal with the angry and hurt feelings during this time ?
Re: I have so much angry (Intro)
Go to Al Anon. He is an addict, and none of it was about you. He couldn't get better for you, he had to get better for him. None of it was your fault, you couldn't have fixed him, and you didn't deserve to be treated that way. Are you still in counseling? It helps, I promise. My father is an alcoholic, so I know how you feel. I felt hurt that he could never stop for me, never chose me over booze, and almost died. Al Anon really helped. People have to want to change for themselves, if he had changed for you, he would have relapsed. You did the right thing.
So, keep going to counseling, go to Al Anon, and just remember-none of it was your fault. It gets easier and anger is just a part of the process.
I know how you feel. My XH was an alcoholic and I did "everything I could" to save our marriage. Nothing worked. He became abusive and I left. While we were separated, he turned into a completely different person. He got clean, went to church, was polite, considerate, and loving. I was like "who are you and what have you done with my crazy DH? It was mostly a front. He did most of it so he could meet another girl who would take care of him. From what I hear, they're having a lot of the same problems that we did, minus the drugs and alcohol. Whatever, not my problem now. Life is so much better for me now that I can't believe I wasted so much time with him.
Like the PP said, go to Al Anon. It will help you to see that you couldn't cure or control his addiction. I also recommend reading the book Co-Dependent No More and continuing your counseling.
My XH was an addict as well (pain killers were just some of his poisons). I suggest keeping up with counseling and going to an Al Anon meeting. My XH also got "clean" once I left as though it were a wake up call to him--great, where was that willpower when we were together, right?!
At first I also was angry...but then I realized that I deserved more than to live with someone who constantly put his addiction ahead of me. I know that's the whole problem with addictions (that they take over everything) but I couldn't get over that I always came second to any bottle of pills or packet of powder.
You deserve someone in your life who will be stable. Even if he had gotten clean while you were together, it would be an everyday struggle. You'd always be waiting for the shoe to drop. What if he had surgery for something and he'd have to be on pills again? What about the next time he wanted to celebrate something or the stress of a job got too great? The slope is too slippery with some addictions and you deserve a life that is better than that.
It's normal to be angry but work on it through counseling. Channel that anger into something positive--exercise, volunteer, write your feeling in a journal.
Also, I know a lot of addicts can go on to lead healthy fulfilling and sober lives, but I will be forever waiting for the news that XH OD'd...I'm better off knowing that I will be a stranger to him when I receive that call and not his wife.
This. Keep going to therapy and ride out the emotions. For me, anger was the hardest one to get over. But when I did it was like my life did a complete 180. It's amazing.
Good luck and stay strong!
I just wanted to say, even though he is "clean" now, getting out is the right thing to do. A) the resentment is already there and that can't be fixed
this was probably a ploy to get you back meaning C) he will probably relapse (and soon)
Addictions NEVER go away. People can get clean, but it is a constant struggle. My father has been "clean" more times than I can count and sometimes for several years (I think 10 years straight is the highest). He has been divorced three times. This last time he has gotten clean (and been clean for about 4 years now), it took losing everything. He lost his job, his house, all his possessions, and his father. We took him to rehab THREE TIMES IN A ROW before HE decided (because HE had to decide) to get clean. It is not an easy road and that road is a lifetime long.
Although I didn't post this, the replies were so helpful to me, so thanks to everyone who replied!
Same here. I feel like I could have written the OP, up to the point of the divorce...