Trouble in Paradise
onceuponadisaster
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
For those of you who have lost a parent (Holidays)
So, my dad has cancer, and honestly I don't know if he's going to make it.
I'm having a really hard time getting into the holiday spirit knowing it might be my last Christmas with him.
I'm already a mess this year- I don't know how I will deal with this after he actually does die.
Someone who has had a critically ill parent or who has lost a parent- please give me some advice. Or hope. Or prayers that this won't be his last Christmas, if that's your style.
Re: For those of you who have lost a parent (Holidays)
(Usual lurker here, and occasional poster.) So, I have no parents left. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer the day before Thanksgiving several years ago. They gave her 2 weeks, and she lived about 6 more months.
I wish there was something I could say to make it alright, and make the pain go away, but in reality, it's just time that does it. It's been years now, and I'm OK, but it took me a good 2 years to really get over the sadness. That may have also been because I had already lost my dad, though. My dad died when my first husband was in a coma after an accident. It was a rough week, to say the least. I was also living in Alaska, and dad was in Mass, so I didn't get to go home for the funeral, due to the husband issue.
In looking back, I think that my mom's death really felt like both of them dying because I hadn't ever really mourned the loss of my dad.
So, just be good to yourself. And if your dad is married, or has an SO, make sure they're eating, and sleeping. Try to be honest with the situation, (if you feel so inclined, talk to your dad, give him permission to go--I needed to do that with my mom, she was in so much pain!) but try to make every day he has here special and make sure he's comfortable. It is what you'll remember afterwards--that you were able to cook his favorite meal, or decorate his room, or whatever. I wrapped my mom's walker so that it looked like a candy cane for the holidays. :-) I made sure that she had folks in for cocktails for New Year's, because that's what she watned. I am so glad I made the extra effort, even though I was worn out from taking care of her.
Lastly, I will be keeping you and your entire family in my thoughts at this difficult time.
Well, it could be your last Christmas too. Make it a nice one, for all of you; and cherish your moments. My folks have been dead for years, but our holiday gatherings, including the last one where my mother was still living, are really special. Get that tree up and decorated; make the old dishes the same old way, and make this a nice time.
I lost my mom in March after a long battle with cancer, so I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could give you some insightful, wonderful advice...but I don't have any. The holidays suck when you have a critically ill parent. And it's ok to say that they suck. Here is what I do know. Let yourself feel whatever emotion you are experiencing. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to get angry, get angry. I personally never thought I would be able to deal with losing my mother, but somehow I am making it. In the end, I do believe we are stronger than we think.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know I am just a lurker, but I'm sending many thoughts and prayers your way.
all I can say is try not to over-expect/over-exert.
It's surprisingly easy to fall into the "zounsd, it could be his last, lets make everythin perfect" trap--and all it does is lead to a profound sense of disapointment (you can't live up to your mind's expectations) and a hallow holiday.
If traditions have to change now, change them. It may sound callous, but as much as my sisters and I resisted, I'm glad my dad pushed to change where Christmas was while HIS mom was still alive--he didn't want the first year she was gone to be 'all new traditions'; he wanted to ease into the 'new' way that things were goig to have to happen.
I'm very sorry. I don't have any words that will make you feel better. My Mom died suddenly while we were taking the Christmas tree down over New Year's weekend. I was 9.
Short answer - you don't ever get over it, you just carry on as best you can. Most years I want to skip from Thanksgiving straight into January so I don't have to deal with it.
i'm sorry you're going through this, and i will admit it is not always easy.
this year do something special with your dad, and be explicit in making sure to tell him how much you love him.
my advice is to think about the traditions that remind you of your dad, things he does during the holidays, and keep his memory alive by doing them yourself. if you have siblings, do special things for and with them. don't be afraid or too proud to accept the support of other relatives during this time of year. if your aunts and uncles invite you to things, accept. remember that they are also possibly losing a sibling.
in short, just be there for each other, above and beyond normal.
***GREAT BIG SQUISHY HUGS***
I could have written this Christmas of 2009. My dad was in the ICU after colon surgery to remove a very large mass. He still had physical therapy to do, chemo and radiation. They weren't even sure if he would make it out of ICU. So, its incredibly tough, and if you need anything remember to reach out there, and you can PM me on here if you need to.
I think a lot of what people deem "The Holiday Spirit" is (in their mind) supposed to be this chipper, smiley, omg-the-world-is-so-happy thing. During really stressful times it can be hard to feel optimistic about your life when you have something so emotionally devastating going on. When I was in your similar position I had to kind of rethink what the Holiday Spirit meant to me. I discovered that instead of having to be this all-powerful cheerful time ALL. THE. TIME. it could be quiet, peaceful, warm and reassuring.
The best advice I can give you is to:
a.) Let it out. Go ahead and have yourself a good cry session. You can do it in your car, bathroom, shower. You need a place where you can have the freedom to absolutely lose it. I'm talking scream, beat a pillow, and lose your mind if you have to. Folks in the care-giving position find themselves having to "be strong" for their loved one because they don't want to frighten or demoralize the person that is dying/ill. You need to vent the emotion otherwise it will eat you up.
b.) Think about your Dad and what he likes to do. What are your favorite memories with him? See if you can recreate it with him in the miniature wherever he is. If he is confined to the bed you can get a little creative and recreate your favorite times with him. Example: one of my favorite things to do with my Dad was go to the theatre. We loved to go see Cats, Evita, and Chicago. So what I did in the ICU was bring the CD player, laptop, DVD. My dad was sedated, but he could still smile, react to what was going on. I would put on some music or a DVD and then rub his feet. I could brush his hair or change his bed sheets. I know the nurse does it, but it is nice to get fresh sheets. I would also talk to him and tell him about my day. I would read the paper to him and we'd enjoy our little time together before I had to leave for the night. See if you can have a couple days where you are doing some things that he enjoys with you. Even, if it is in the miniature due to mobility limitations. Even if it is boring or you don't SAY anything. Just hang out with him and stare at the TV, fire in the fireplace or lights on the tree. Just being there is usually enough.
I sincerely hope that this is NOT your Father's last Christmas. There is always hope. Even if treatment is no longer an option there is still hope in a peaceful death surrounded by people who love you. If you believe in the afterlife there is that as well the end to any suffering.
**GREAT BIG SQUISHY HUGS AND PRAYERS TO YOU**
My Mom was sick for ten years, terminally ill for four of them, and died right before Thanksgiving a little over two years ago. For me every day, every holiday, and every year is different. Part of that is dependent on how the rest of my family is handling things that year. I went through a lot of therapy while she was sick, so the years she was alive and feeling ok were great because I was so so grateful and happy she was there. I learned to just enjoy time with her and not waste it anticipating her loss. I have times where I am very sad and just want to sit around and be sad and cry and other times where I feel ok, weird things trigger it. Our first Christmas was just kind of numb and getting through it, last year I was very sad, and this year I feel more ok. We've also totally revamped our holidays so we do a Thanksgiving orphans (friends who aren't going home for Thanksgiving) at my dad's and have tried to keep our old traditions that remind us of her, but change things slightly so it doesn't feel like the exact same Christmas but with a hole where she would have been.
So I guess my advice is just allow yourself to feel however to feel, it depends a lot on all kinds of things and it isnt wrong or bad to feel any one way. And I think you're already in therapy, so continue with that and maybe look into some resources for grief pro actively.
My dad died from pancreatic cancer right after New Year's in 2007. The last Christmas we spent with him was him in the hospital on a feeding tube, the rest of my family eating crappy hospital cafe christmas dinner and me throwing up from morning sickness. There was no holiday spirit.
If your dad is well enough to be home for christmas, then go about the normal traditions and do things you always do, but give him an extra hug. Don't focus on the "it might be his last Christmas" focus on the fact that he is there and can participate in it. Take lots of pictures, even if he isn't as healthy looking as he once was.
At least, that's what I would have done if my dad had been at the beginning stages of his cancer. We knew it was a matter of weeks before my father would pass, so in all honesty, we didn't bother with the Christmas spirit. We did presents and such, but we put on no appearances of being a normal, happy family that year.
Take it all one day at a time, and cherish every moment you have with him, and I sincerely hope that this is not his last Christmas with your family. Process your emotions and lean on your family for support, after all, you are all going through the same thing.
I'm sorry you are going through this *hugs*
Hi - I am usually a lurker but wanted to let you know my dad died of cancer this year but was deteriorating really fast at Christmas last year. So last year I was in your boat... I am sorry, really sorry and am here to talk if you feel like talking to some internet stranger that has been through it. I can listen and help.
The only advice I have is hug him alot, or if he's in pain, give his hand a gentle squeeze. i miss everything in the whole world about my dad, everything. But one thing that I wish is that I hugged him more at the end. I think I was afraid to touch him. I know that sounds wierd but I didn't want to hurt him and just felt uncomfortable all around. If I could just see him one more time...
I am sorry again.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't know what to say that could help, but my MIL died from cancer five and a half years ago. It was well-known at her last Christmas that it would be the last, but I don't remember it being different than any other Christmas. She was a very spirited person that didn't let it get her down, so I guess we followed suit. We were all sad, certainly, but we enjoyed a normal Christmas, except she did end up giving a few more gifts than usual.
The following year was harder. She died in June, so we had a little time to adjust, but it was certainly odd doing Christmas morning with just FIL and SIL, and then going to MIL's family dinner, like we do every year (except after a couple of years the Christmas morning with FIL and SIL stopped because it just wasn't the same, I guess). Everyone there went about things as usual, but it certainly wasn't the same, and everyone was definitely sad. But we knew she wanted us to remember her life with joy, not mourn her death with sorrow, so we did. Mostly. I remember FIL and how he mostly sat at the table alone (actually, the worst memory I have of the events immediately following her death are him sitting in the dining room alone eating dinner when the rest of us were in the living room. He looked so lost and alone that I couldn't stop crying).
She had set it up so that all of her sisters, SIL, and DH and I got beautiful gold ornaments that had a poem about how she would be celebrating with us from heaven that year, which was really sweet.
*hugs* It's really hard, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. You're definitely in my thoughts. We think about her every year. Her ornament is the most important one I put on my tree, and even if I don't have a tree that year, I hang it up somewhere. I visit her grave site alone in the fall to hang a different angel ornament every year (DH doesn't even know about this--it's something I feel like I should do alone. I loved my MIL more than my own mother).
I don't know what I believe about God or the afterlife or anything else like that, but I will always believe that she is looking over us. When I bought my car, I pulled down the sun visor and there was a little angel pin on the right bottom corner. I have left it there for three years because I've always felt like she put it there, my guardian angel to keep me safe.
Sorry if I sort of hijacked with my own memories. I hope something I said will help bring you some peace.
First of all, enjoy the precious time you have with him. Think of the the things you would like to ask, so you dont look back and wonder about things. Dont get me wrong, there will always be things that you will like to ask your dad.
I say this because I think of these things frequently. Record his voice for your children and you to hear, to soothe those difficult moments when they come. They will come.
I was raised by my single dad after my mom walked out on me when I was 5. He raised me and over the years, I grew to call him my best friend. I went off to college (an hour away so I could still be close to him), and ended up coming home mid second semester because he was diagnosed with Leukemia. We went through 1 round of treatment, he did well. The it came back.... We fought the battle again, and eventually were doing well, then unexpectedly he was put into ICU and less than 2 days later passed, unexpectedly.
I still think about him and the entire situation frequently, but now more so with a smile knowing I was able share the quality time with him. I treasure that time I had with him. That is what gets me through sometimes. I was 24 when I lost my only parent ( I do not have a relationship with mother, never have since she left) and am almost 30.
There will be good days and bad days. Either way, embrace the memories and give yourself time to grieve and prepare yourself. Reach out to those around you and use them to hold you up through the difficult times. Best of luck and my prayers to you!
Hugs,
Kansas girl.
**Lurker coming out of lurkdom**
I am so sorry your dad is sick. I lost my father to cancer in February 2010, so it was just after christmas. My advice to you is to make the most of this holiday with him. My dad told me on his last christmas what a great day it was, because everyone was able to make it into town and nobody really bickered like we normally would. I know how hard it is to have him sick, but he will probably really appreciate celebrating the holidays by being surrounded by loved ones. I am crying as I type this!! I don't think I'm articulating very well here, but I just wanted to say to try and treat it as though it were just another holiday--not the possible last holiday ever with him. If you're bummed out, he will know (dads have a way of knowing) and it will make him bummed out. Try and keep it together for him and be sure and let him know how loved he is...don't take for granted one single opportunity to tell him how wonderful he is. I hope some of this made sense, just try to enjoy your time with him and don't take a moment for granted. Many many prayers to you and your dad!!!