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Not an update - but here I am anyway
This isn't an update - for lack of a better title - I didn't know what to call it. Things are stalled right now. I know you guys are going to be disappointed in me - and I don't blame you one bit. *sigh* I STILL haven't completely moved out of the house. I've been living there thru the week and going back home to my family on the weekends. I've been going to counseling, but after talking to one of my friends she asked me if I'm in denial and thinking about it - Yes, I can tell that I am. I'm in this weird denial stage about what's happening. I know that we are splitting up - I know my life will be better once I'm home, but yet I'm dragging my feet. I think any normal person would've just up and left - but not me - no stick around stupid - pour more salt in my wounds. I think the depression of it all is just kicking my a$$. I've got no energy. I've got most of my clothes out, but I still have things to move. I know things are going to be better - I KNOW this. I know there's a few things holding me back. One thing is - I think it's the process of my life changing that's got me dragging my feet. Change isn't very easy for me if you couldn't tell already. My friend offered to come up on New Years w/e, give me a swift kick in the a$$, and help me pack the rest of my stuff up to move. Besides that - I'll need people to help me move certain things - and since EVERYONE has been busy since it's the Christmas season - I've got no help right now.
STBX took the older dog with him to his appt already and the younger dog has been with me. And it's been awesome having her around. I'm feeling that maybe that's the thing that's been holding me back from moving out of the house. I find her comforting and once I move in with my family - I won't be able to have her. Another one of my friends offered to take her in for me until I get my own place. Which will be ok. I guess I just wanted her to live where I did. No one in my family that I could possibly live with accepts dogs in the house and she's a house dog. I have found an appt that will accept pets, but there aren't openings - yet. There aren't many in that area that does accept pets either. I SOOOO want this appt too - it would be perfect.
On the flip side - I haven't seen or talked to STBX for two weeks now, which has been nice. He's got his appt where he works. I know I'm thinking negatively here - but his appt is better than our house. He's also driving the newer car, while I'm driving the POS car with the engine light constantly on. He'd gotten a job over the summer (after being laid off) & his salary is 2x's and then some - more than mine. Maybe it's the revengeful part of me - but I soooo wanted him to fall on his a$$. I suppose he still could. Why do I think like this though?!?!?! Why? WHY? WHY?!?!?
I suppose it's just like a band-aide, I gotta just rip it off and feel the way I'm going to feel for awhile. I'm sure alot of you want to slap me silly - I know my friend that's coming to help me does too sometimes, but since she's been thru it she understands too. Everyone around you is telling you to do one thing, but until you actually truly feel it and see it - it's hard to mentally get to that point.
Re: Not an update - but here I am anyway
you know what you have to do, and you know why. 50 more people telling you the same thing isnt going to make you do it any faster.
your life is in your hands now, and oyu have no one else to blame for anything but you. you cant blame him, the dog, your family, just you.
if you want to live life making excuses not to move on, go ahead. you are a grown ass woman, stop throwing yourself a pity party.
more more more counseling
Slowly, but surely.
No one can do this for you. Also, I have always said get out ASAP. This might be as soon as you can manage it. The point is that you are getting out.
Have you asked for help moving? Moving by yourself could be part of the problem. Reach out and ask for some help with the physical side of it. Also, have you just gone out to dinner, shopping and a movie with a girlfriend or family member yet? I'm talking decompression day.
You have a lot of change going on and while we are adamant about you getting out/making it happen/just go now thing-- if you are having issues with mental health its good to stop for a minute and take ONE day to recharge. If you are feeling burned out and feel that it is impeding your ability to get out-- shoot, maybe not even a whole day but a couple of hours?
Keep it up with the therapy. You sound like you have a lot of self-blame, guilt and other self-sabotaging issues to work through. I may have and maybe will get exasperated with you here on the board, but at the same time its only because I (and the others) want you to get out from a damaging situation. Onward and upward as soon as you can manage it.
Let's put it this way-- the sooner you are out the sooner I have a feeling you will start to see a change in your energy level & depression. Good luck.