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s/o: Is dating before the divorce is final really that bad?
Personally, I don't think so. And it seems like a lot of the people on here have done it.
Here's the thing: it takes so long to come to the decision to end a marriage, in many cases it's over long before the words are said and the papers are filed. I don't think that jumping from one serious relationship to the next is necessarily the healthiest thing for everyone, but I dont think there's anything wrong with getting back out there. It's natural to be curious, to want to know what's out there. And it's natural to want company. I think that, as long as a person is working on him or herself and not getting swept up in the idea of a significant other pulling some kind of "saving" maneuver, there's nothing wrong with dating. I also don't think there's any harm in waiting, if you know you're not ready.
Hell, when I met with my lawyer for the first time (a jolly older man who instructed me to call him Uncle Ed), he reassured me that it was ok for me to date. He also tried to set me up with another one of his clients. I politely declined.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Re: s/o: Is dating before the divorce is final really that bad?
i don't think so, but everything is different for each person and how their relationshpis ended is different as well.
I don't think so but I started dating someone not long after my separation. We went "facebook official" about 3 months after but had been inseperable for awhile at that point.
So my view is kind of tarnished lol but I had realized I wanted out of the marriage about 6 months before I finally told him to leave so I had a lot of time to let go. Part of me stayed to prepare for separation, part of me was hoping the ex would really put forth an effort and somehow change my mind.
I think it's different as well.
If you're divorce is taking a while...as I know some take 1 year +, then I can see dating before officially divorced is OK. I also see how many divorces have already gone through a period where both parties know the marriage is over, but have taken a while to actually file the paperwork, etc.
However; in the case of my XH, announcing your getting a divorce to your wife, moving out, and then having a new girlfriend (which your OK with posting on FB) by the end of the same week...um, that might be a little much!? Maybe that's just me, though.
I think as long as you take appropriate time for yourself, making sure you resolve any issues you may have with the divorce, etc. and having clear boundaries with the X situation (example: you're not still living with the X spouse), then I think in most cases, it's OK.
I made the decision to end my marriage, but it hurt like hell & I wanted him to CHANGE. LOL! I'm so lame. But yea, deep down I knew it was over. My therapist helped me to see the light.
SO was not really my SO until I had been in therapy for a bit. We did use each other for company and ...ummm...the physical. He was my LD buddy
I think it's perfectly acceptable to date before you are divorced, as long as you know that there is little chance of reconciliation between you and your STBX. I just think it could get messy later on down the road if you date before you are sure whether or not you want to be with the STBX.
Serious relationships, on the other hand, are a whole different beast. You gotta make sure that you have your head on straight before you delve into one of those. I'm over a year out from my initial separation and I still don't feel like I'm ready for a serious relationship.
I think it depends on the circumstances. If someone is divorcing against his/her will, an admitted co-dependent, and/or there was abuse in the marriage, then I think a stop at the therapist's couch should precede another relationship. But, yanno, if the marriage is dunzo, the parties are self-aware enough to see what/where it all went wrong, and the emotional intensity has died down, then go out and date if you want to.
This is definitely what I realize now that I didn't before. Also, in MD there's a one year waiting period, so it takes over a year for the divorce to be finalized.
I've been separated for about a month. I'm not at all kidding when I say that my mother would be super excited if I came home and told her I have a date this weekend, lol.
I'm not ready to date yet, but I would love to make out with someone right now, lol. I miss kissing. More than sex.
I think the circumstances are different for everyone. If you have a one year waiting period for the divorce. Then I think dating before it is over would be fine.
On the other hand if you do not have a waiting period at all and get divorced start to finish in like 90 days or less does not make you ready to date just because you are divorced.
No, I don't think so. I definitely dated before my divorce was final. However, I have not been in a serious relationship yet, post-divorce and I think this has been a good thing for me. I had a lot of work that needed to be done on myself so I could figure out 'why' I settled for such a horrible human being that is my ex-husband. This self-work has been necessary for me to get to a better place, otherwise I could have potentially fallen into similar traps.
That being said, I still side-eye people who jump from one serious relationship into another and don't look at their own role and self-reflect, but merely blame their ex.
I'm pretty much with everyone else here. As for me, I separated from my ex in early February. I went on my first date post-separation at the beginning of August, and sent a lot of guys packing after one date. It's only recently that I've gotten into a relationship, and by that point, I knew myself well enough to know I was ready. I did a lot of self-reflection and work, and just got to know myself again. It helped that I moved states and started over here, so I was in a situation that I was forced to stand on my own two feet, trust my own judgment, and really develop myself as a person.
All that to say, everyone has their own pace, but I do think some time alone is necessary just to recover. For me, I knew I was ready when I could think back on my marriage and feel little else than relief and acceptance that it was part of my past and as a result, part of what made me me. I also like who I am. It took a bit to get here, but I'm happy with where things are and look forward to future growth.
One of my best friends just recently got divorced. Yet she had been separated from her husband for several years. She did not have the money to afford a lawyer to divorce him. She recently (like a year ago) found a guy she loved and wanted to marry and he helped her afford the divorce.
My STBX however... it has only been 2 months since he said divorce. And a month ago he was telling me that he would have still been willing to work on our marriage if I had not confronted him the way I did. (I admit not my best moment, confronting him in the parking lot, but it had to be done. I should have done it in a less public place I admit). Then I found out last week that he is "officially" dating the person he cheated on me with. He has not filed for divorce yet. I say that is way too soon and just plain infuriating.
ITA with this. I know that by the time I said those words, it was such a huge relief to me & I pretty much immediately felt better about life & excited to move on. I spent the months leading up to that night mourning the end of my marriage, I just didn't realize that's what I was doing. I've had a few moments of sadness here & there, but overall, I am so much happier & have my sh!t so much more together than I did then.