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In-Law Christmas Help!
Needing some advice and strength for my Christmas this year!
My husband and I have been happily married for a year and a half. Last Christmas we spent the holiday with my family since my husband was not contacted by his family at all to make plans for Christmas. This year, we are not making the trip to see my family (we're in IN, they are in TX) and we have been invited over to my in-laws on Christmas for lunch. This is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. I have never felt very welcomed or liked by their family no matter what I do for them or my husband. My husband also not very close to his parents.
The last time I was in my in-laws house was when my husband and I announced our engagement to them. We got a shocking "Oh", followed by silence. We had been dating for 7 years, it shouldn't have been a shocking announcement. I haven't been back to their house since then due to other problems and conversations. Throughout our engagement my in-laws would constantly try to talk my husband out of the wedding and even went to the church to try and stop the marriage. My FIL has even threatened my husband that the next time I step foot in their house he will get in my face to find out what my problem is. Needless to say, even though they were invited and encouraged to come, they did not attend our wedding. They have continued to spread lies and rumors about me to other family members who then come to us to find the truth.
I am uncomfortable going over to their house to share Christmas but I don't want to affect my husband's relationship with his family any more. I am trying to find strength inside to get over all of this and go but its hard to forget the past when I have never received an apology for the many rude and hateful things said.
Help!
Re: In-Law Christmas Help!
Why would you go there for Christmas?
You're just wiping the slate clean in your own mind? They didn't actually do anything to deserve it?
Good luck with that.
Then, I'd eat before-hand. Take a plate of something simple. And say thank you. Are you hoping for more drama than that?
I had the same thought of wiping the slate clean. I feel that if I went over there and acted like nothing was wrong I would be giving them all the power and wiping the slate clean of all the hurt that has been done.
This isn't the first time being around them. I have done many things for my husband's family and they all go unnoticed. I supported my husband after the death of his grandfather. We went to the viewing and funeral and family dinner after. I have been accepted by 1 aunt and uncle but thats it. I spend Thanksgiving with his family at his grandmother's house.
This just seems different since it is at their house and I truly thought I would never step foot back in their house. My husband supports me and wants me to do what I want to do but I feel as if I may cause more drama and problems by not showing up. Especially after my husband has told them we are both coming.
I should also add my husband has tried many times to set his parents straight. He had many conversations in person, over the phone and emails about all of this. They would continue to speak of me negatively and got upset with him when he would talk to me about it. They thought he should hide all of this from me! We have a very open and honest relationship.
Each time he brings something up they have previously said, they deny it and try to back peddle. I have even emailed and written letters to speak to them and find out why they do not like me. I have never gotten a response.
I would definately not go over there for a meal, but I may (depending on how the hubs felt), drop by for a few minutes and wish them Merry Christmas. This may be their way of taking a first step to make amends.
If you do decide to drop by, you and dh need to be on the same schedule (ie: only stay for 10-15 minutes or whatever, and then leave...and/or leave much sooner if any abusive behavior starts)....
Well if you feel that giving it once last chance is the thing to do then take a deep breathe and hope for the best.
Behave with class and dignity and have a deal with your H beforehand that the second you are disrespected that you both will be heading out the door with no looking back. If your H is supportive then this might be your best plan of attack. Then you don't really need to worry so much. If they act inappropriately then you can leave. I would also give your H the stipulation that if they do behave badly that there will never be a future experience with his family.
Your husband should have said to them that you guys would like to have a closer relationship with them and spend holidays with them (if that is true) but that you have some issues that need to be resolved. 1. his family needs to respect his wife and apologize for past incidents of disrespect.
That would be my start. But here you are just a couple of days until Christmas. I think that it might be a little too close to do this.
I would probably not go to their home for Christmas and make a plan to mend your relationship or attempt to in the new year ... so that perhaps you will be a closer family for the next holiday.
This is kinda tough. They invited you guys over for christmas right? So, maybe they are trying to extend the olive branch. Perhaps take it as such, go prepared to relax but warn DH that if they get pissy, you want to leave immidiatly.
For them to behave towards you as you described in the OP, they must have felt you did something totally against them. IDK what, but something. Especially since you have been with DH for so long before marriage.
Clearly they have a problem with you. And your DH has talked to them about it- what IS their problem?
A part of me wants to jump on the bandwagon, but there is a part of me wondering what the rest of the story is.
Also, what kind of acknowledgement is it that you're looking for? YOu mention a couple times "All you've done for your DH and his family" and how they dont' acknowledge it. Well, for one, why are they supposed to acknowledge stuff you do for your DH? And what is it you feel you're "doing" for them that they don't appreciate?
However, in the end, I have to ditto casmgn. "talking" to them, "explaining" things clearly doesn't work. If your DH wants to make a TRUE statement, ditto casmgn.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I am on the "do not go" team, but seeing that your H told them you were both coming, then I would go and the MINUTE they start shiit with you, your DH should stand up - say enough - its been fun - we are leaving. Make a statement and follow through.
Or just leave without saying anything. Either way - -- leave. You do not deserve to continue to be abused by family who has no real honest reason to hate you.
If you've already decided to go I would just talk to your husband about making plans to leave if anything negative is said to you or to him about you. Decide before hand that if something is said H will let them know "if you do not accept my wife and our marriage then you do no accept t me, we are leaving now and If you ever want a relationship with me or my family in the future I expect an apology to come first".
and have a plan B as to what you will do for the rest of the day, because it's still Christmas and you don't deserve to have it ruined by people like that.
I agree that you and your H need to agree that if anything negative is said towards you you both need to immediately get up and leave, and your H needs to say we were willing to try to make amends with you, but I will not have my wife disrespected."
I'm kind of wondering why your H wants to have a relationship with these people though if they are so toxic.
1) what has DH done about this
2) why do you even want to entertain the idea of going there?
sounds like a classy bunch all around.....
I had another thought while I was working today...
What if you decided to "wipe the slate clean" - told them to their faces in front of everyone - - I am sorry for ever offending you and I want our relationship to improve, so for here on out I would like to start over? - - or something like that.
Take the higher road just this once - see what they say/do. If they refuse to allow you to start over, then they no longer deserve to wipe the slate clean.
I was speaking of your situation to my H and I paralleled it with my SIL (his S). We too tried time after time to wipe the slate clean and just start over, but she refused. It was my H that decided to kick her out of our lives when she continued her actions. Your H needs to be the one to stand up for you. It might also make you look really good too that you're trying in front of everyone, and to your H especially, showcasing their rudeness etc. GL!!!
Ok, there seems to be A LOT more to this story than what you've included.
How old are you both? I'm wondering if the shock of your engagement was because part of the 7 years of dating included high school.
To me, it sounds like everyone in this scenario feeds off the drama. They don't like you, say they're going to "get in your face" Jerry Springer-style, spread lies and rumors, show up at the wedding to try to stop it? (explain that one, since you also said they didn't come to the wedding).
But then, you and your husband encourage the drama! You write letters and emails asking for a reason they don't like you, you get upset they don't recognize how much you support your husband, you actually keep in contact with them after they've done all this. It's ridiculous, truly.
And now you're in a pickle, because you'd be throwing more logs on the drama fire by accepting the invitation and then changing your mind. (After one of the many episodes you've described, your husband should have just said, "you're rude to my wife, we want nothing more to do with you until you grow up and apologize" and then you guys should have stuck to it!)
So, here's what I'd do. I'd go to the luncheon. I'd be cordial and polite. And if they start any drama, your husband will be given the opportunity to do what he should have done long ago, and that is a complete and utter break with the family until they apologize.
What specific examples have they given your DH for not liking you? How do these talks w/them go when DH tries to resolve the matter?
I don't think Christmas or any other major holiday/gathering is a time for reconciling your problems, it's a time for putting them aside (but this does not make the problems forgotten or "magically" resolved).
Who else will be at their home? Extended family or just them? If there will be other relatives there that you can socialize with & avoid the IL's, I'd say stop by for a few. If it's just the IL's, eh, that would be awkward.
You have to really let DH handle this since it is his family and maybe he should call them (given their track record) prior to the visit & prep them with his expecations saying that they are to be on their best behavior w/you. This way, he gives a clear reason for if & why you guys should have to leave.
Assuming the holiday goes smoothly, then DH should set up a time & place to talk about the issue (once & for all) w/his parents. If they aren't willing to listen, move forward, resolve, etc then it's up to him where he ends the relationship w/him & all you can do is be supportive.
I agree with this. When my DH's husband died, I supported him, went to view the body, went with him to clean out his dad's room at the hospice, organised food for the get together after the funeral etc etc etc. I never got acknowledgement nor did I need or expect it. I was family helping get various jobs done at a very difficult time. Who should have acknowledged me? The grieving widow? Please.
As to the rest of it, your DH needs to actually stand up to his family about their behaviour. He should hang up, walk out as soon as they are disrespectful towards you. Clearly his "talks" with them aren't enough to let them know he's serious.
I agree with pp, I want to know about the rest of the story. I think there's a lot more to it. Why don't they like you?