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Today's Posts Inspired Me
Okay. I have read everyone's train wreck stories. I think we all already know I am a train wreck but I was inspired to make it even more obvious. I think you all rock with your honesty.
Although, despite what sometimes my posts show...I am working on myself a lot and have learned so much from you all and from my own experiences. I am in counseling, I spend lots of time alone writing/thinking and I actually have taken a week off to just rest, mourn and rethink my new life. I even deactivated my FB account to avoid the drama he is causing on there. I also started the legal divorce process (we had already split everything but hadn't done any official paperwork).
Here are my train wreck confessions (please don't judge too much):
1. For six years I tried to be the perfect wife and put up with deal breakers because I thought it was the right thing to do. It came at a high cost though that I would never have expected - I cracked. Eventually I got so heartbroken, but because I didn't want to be the one to end it, I pushed him to do it (in some ways). Yet I was still so sad when he did pull the plug. I do think he didn't want to be married anymore either. We were both too chicken/too nice though to call it quits. I have learned when a marriage is done, it's done...prolonging it only brings out the worst in you.
2. Once we separated, I completely acted out because I was so tired of trying to be perfect and losing myself in the marriage (my fault). I was selfish and immature during this time. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. I just didn't know how to let my ex go. I have come back though to my healthier, more normal self and I couldn't be happier I found my way back.
3. I really, really want kids and I am so afraid that is not in the future for me anymore. I am not sure I even want to get married again. I am starting to think I would be fine having kids and not being married.
4. I always viewed myself as a good person, but now I don't know anymore. Everyone says I deserve better but I'm not sure I believe it. I feel like I failed at something that was so important to me, my marriage.
5. I care way too much about what people think of me. This causes so many issues, it's so not worth it. I regret how much I listened to others when I should have listened to myself.
6. Everyone says I need alone time and I get that but I feel like I have been alone for years. The truth is I love loving people, I love having someone to love and treat well. I love who I am when I am dating or in a relationship (a good one). It's just so much of who I am, I pour myself into people. But I am trying reallly hard to love myself just as much and spend energy and time on me.
Re: Today's Posts Inspired Me
The bolded part makes me so sad! I hope that with healing and time, you can believe it again!
Honestly, my Nest memory is not great, and it's too early in the morning for me to go search out your other posts, so I can't remember whether I normally consider you a trainwreck or not, but nothing you posted here is overly trainwrecky.
I really should have included this in my tran-wreck confession. It has me written all over it.