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Do I talk to my brother about his fiancee?
My brother has been with his (now) fiancee for 4 years. They got engaged several months ago and plan to marry in 2013 when she is finished with grad school. Their relationship has never been violent or abusive (that I know of), but it has definitely seemed to have had more bad times than good times.
I just have some reservations about them getting married for a variety of reasons. But I don't want to hurt my brother's feelings or inadvertently insult her to him. I don't dislike her exactly...but I don't know if they are a good match marriage-wise. I just have red flags going up in my mind with some of her behavior.
My brother and I are close and I would hatehatehate to upset him, but I feel like I need to have a conversation with him about my concerns. On the other hand, their relationship is not mine and they are free to do as they please. Their future marriage dynamic doesn't have to be identical to my marriage dynamic. So I don't want to push anything on him. I also don't want him to be stuck in a relationship that isn't fulfilling.
Do I talk to him or just keep my lip zipped? I want to do the more loving/sisterly thing and I just don't know which one that is right now. Any thoughts? :-D
Re: Do I talk to my brother about his fiancee?
I say MYOB.
I had the same issue with my brother....the woman he was engaged to was a train wreck and lived in another country. They got engaged in like October, and were planning on getting married in December, and she was going to move here to California. I happened to have a friend who married someone from the same country. Her spouse also was moving to Cali. It took them almost 2 years of working with immigration before they could actually marry with him coming to the US.
I asked my brother how come they've been able to work it out in a couple of months, and my friend took a couple of years....he said his fiancee was taking care of it and all was well....so we helped him blow through making wedding plans, sending out invites, etc. Imagine our dismay when they had to postpone the wedding indefinately because of immigration issues...and then the thing fizzled and we all did the happy dance.
My dad, other brother, and I all told my brother after they were long broken up how happy we were that he didn't marry her because we all thought it was a trainwreck. I know if we'd said something before, he would have been defensive, and it might have pushed him in the other direction. Also, he was an adult, and capable of making his own decisions, and living with the consequences....
I also say MYOB, unfortunately.
Fact is, no matter how close you and your brother are, he'll most likely choose her over you and your opinions.
My brother's wife is, shall we say, not one of my favorite people, and I was also considering saying something before he married her, but I didn't at the advice of my father. It's his mistake to make (or not make, granted) and if I were to have said something, I know it would have just caused a rift in my relationship with both my brother and his wife, and he wouldn't have changed his mind about marrying her. And then, if one day they do end up breaking up, my brother would hesitate to come to me for support. So I left it be -- so far they seem happy (although they live abroad so our contact is minimal) and that's that.
GL. HTH.
Couple's thrive and fail on different things. I've seen couples who appear to have the 'perfect marriage' that fail. I've seen couples who appear to have a very hot/cold relationship thrive.
Their marriage might last a lifetime. Their marriage might fail in 3 months. It is their marriage. It is their learning lessons as individuals.
No one can teach someone else their own life lessons - we all have to do that for ourselves. Your role is to be there IF your brother needs you. And for now to support him and his fiance.
Your having a 'talking' with him might back fire in your face and cause tension where there was none before. He might be a good egg and consult with his fiance about what you say to him - which might cause even more tension. In the end, you might end up being known as the nosy in-law/sister who causes issues in the marriage.
MYOB.
My BIL is engaged to a girl I feel the same way about. They don't have a great relationship from what I see, and I see a lot of red flags. BUT - I don't live with them, so I only know a small part of their story, as we don't see them all the time. I'm keeping my lips sealed and staying out of their business. They are both adults that are capable of making their own decisions.
I'm going to disagree. I think we rely on our close friends and family to keep us seeing things straight. And I say this as someone whose husband recently got this kind of conversation from a family member. I could have taken offense (and I won't lie, my feelings are a little hurt), but ultimately I'm glad he has someone looking out for him.
I wouldn't go into the conversation assuming you know best and you have to get him to see things the way you do. Like you said, the relationship isn't yours. You don't know what they're like alone. But since you and your brother are close, it's reasonable to ask - once, with the obvious willingness to butt out if he doesn't want to talk about it - what's making him happy. Tell him you love him, you like her, but you're having a little trouble understanding the two of them together, and since you hope to have many happy times with them in the future, you want to understand. Get him talking about the relationship. You may change your mind once you hear him describe it, or you may find an opening to say something gently.
The point isn't to convince your brother she's wrong for him. The point is to keep the closeness an honest relationship between siblings can produce. Do you really want to be tiptoeing around this subject for the rest of your lives? You're the only one who knows whether your brother can handle this kind of conversation from you without resenting you for it, but that's what I'd do with my siblings. Who knows? You might change his mind, or you might even end up learning to like the fiancee.
If he was just dating I'd say yes go ahead ask him if he's sure this girl is good for him, but now that he's 4 years in and engaged I say MYOB. Why on earth did you wait until now if you were so concerned?
I've been thinking about how to phrase this, and nevtali actually did a lot of the work for me.
At least as to why I don't think this is an out and out MYOB.
Nevtali, I feel, gave a good way to bring this up. If you can get him talking, you can then ask questions. Questions geared to get HIM thinking about his relationship.
NOthing may change, but if, IF, things really aren't quite right there, I think him coming to that realization himself is going to have more impact than you telling him "she isnt' right for you" - which may only make him defensive.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree.
but i also wonder what, specifically, raises these red flags. can you elaborate?
An American Girl's Travels
Unless or until your brother asks for your input, MYOB.
My twin sister dated her now H for 9.5 years (16 yrs old-25 yrs old) before they got engaged & married. She asked me once for my opinion and I gave it to her. Since then I've welcomed my BIL to the family even though I think she could do better. I just vent my frustrations to my H.
MYOB.
My BFF had a baby with a really horrid guy and ended up marrying him. A week before the wedding, BFF gently told her sister "You know, don't feel you have to marry him because of [baby]. We'll support you no matter what and want you to be happy - I just want you to know that you can walk away." Sister FLIPPED and didn't talk to BFF for a long time. Marriage is ending now, and sister blames BFF for ruining her marriage, jinxing it, getting the family to hate husband, etc.
I don't see how this conversation can go well, as sad as that is.
74 books read in 2011
I am in the middle of the PP's who said to MYOB and to those who said to give your 2 cents. I really think it all boils down to the dynamic of your relationship w/your brother. Are the two of you close? As in, do you talk (and I mean REAL talks, not just day-to-day stuff) and do you talk often??
Although I think/feel that our loved ones seek our approval & would like to think that we have their best interest in mind & want to see them make the right choices, you have to be realistic & play out in your mind the kind of outcome you may get.
Maybe it would be a good idea to take the wait and see approach. According to your post, they're not planning on getting married for another 1.5 years. Maybe the problem will resolve itself.
But, I'm sort of in the middle of whether or not to have a conversation. I guess it depends on your brother. When my little sister decided to get married, I thought it was a BIG mistake. I thought she was doing it for the wrong reasons. It wasn't that I particularly disliked her FI, it was just that I wasn't sure they were compatible.
I didn't say anything because my sister really would get defensive about her choices, so if she felt she was being criticized or treated like a child, she would do it anyway, but then just resent you for it. Yep, she's getting divorced now, 3 years later. She's heartbroken, but it was a lesson she had to learn for herself. I'm just there to support her now.
Keep your mouth closed.
You should talk to him about her if you, for example, saw her snorting lines of coke at a bar or found out she'd been embezzling money from her employer. You should not talk to him because you just don't think they're a good match.
If he asked you what you thought, in all honesty, you could maybe say "well, I don't know her very well, and I'm sure that you see something in her that I haven't seen yet' or something like that. But he gets to marry a bitchh if he wants to.
Like sue said - if she was engaged in illegal activity or doing something really awful, I would agree with talking to your brother about your concerns. But simply not thinking that they're a good enough match (as compared to what, you and your husband?) isn't a justifiable reason to put your brother in the position to chose her over you (which will most likely be the outcome).
Would I bring something up out of the blue about how she isn't right for him? No, he's a big boy and it is his decision.
However, if he ASKS you, or complains about her / the relationship, I wouldn't gloss over with "oh, once you are married everything will be fine!" I'd say "wow, you really don't seem happy - is there anything specific that you are concerned about?" You can also suggest pre-marital counseling "to work through any issues before you walk down the aisle" (this is especially good if you and your H had pre-marital counseling).
I vote MYOB
You only see a portion of their life together. I wouldn't judge on that.
this.
My SIL wasn't my favorite people when she first married my brother. Our relationship has improved over the years and now I'm glad that I didn't cause any drama back then. I also might not have the awesome relationship with my nephew that I have if I had spoken up.
10 years ago my friend married a woman who all his friends thought was a total b*tch. A decade and 3 kids later, they hate each other - he has hated her for YEARS - and are getting divorced.
He told us recently that he had some reservations before the wedding and almost didn't go through with it. I suspect that if he knew we all thought it was doomed then he might have cancelled the wedding. And I suspect that if he knew know that we all thought that then, he'd be pissed we didn't say anything. But we didn't know he had doubts and didn't want to ruin our friendship. It's really a lose/lose situation. It sucks to watch a train wreck.