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Eeek! Help! Mom/Family/Christmas TIP
First, I reserve the right to DD later.
My mom has been hoarding for a few years now, probably starting about 6-7 years ago. It was just her in the house after my sister went to school so things escalated from there. She's refused to talk about it and obviously it was very hard for us (me and siblings) to bring up to her, and even harder to visit the house.
Recently though, she's seemed to realize what she's created and has expressed a desire to get better. She won't consider counseling at this point. About 5 or 6 weeks ago she was laid off and she's been working to clean up the house the whole time.
She is planning on having Christmas there, which makes us all really nervous. This includes dinner for 17 people, 4 dogs running around and a 7 mo baby. So yeah, nervous isn't the word. We are terrified. My sister tried to suggest gifts at my mom's during the day, and then dinner at my aunt's nearby, but my mom got really upset and said she's all ready for dinner.
I know she's been working really hard, and my brother sent some pictures of a few rooms cleared out, but still, this is really soon. I (we) want to be supportive but I'm afraid of how this will all go down.
Re: Eeek! Help! Mom/Family/Christmas TIP
So how much of the house has your brother seen? And when? It's possible she's made some real improvements in that time frame.
My first thought is that she gave herself this deadline and having you all for Christmas was the motivation.
But I could be way off, too...
Yes, totally. I just think it's a bit much to expect, on both sides.
My brother has seen the house recently, and even helped her for a few days. My brother is unfortunately not the best judge of great ideas.
What a tough situation.
I have an aunt (and late uncle) who were hard-core hoarders. We had to clean out her house after my uncle died and move her to a condo. It took 7 industrial-sized dumpsters to clear out her small house. Just of the junk, not to mention clothes and other items that probably went to Goodwill.
Anyway, not about that. What did the pictures look like? Would you be comfortable going there a day early to do a quick spot-check and gently point out any obvious problem rooms? Or does that sound like way too much to deal with on a holiday?
I want to give you a hug. It must be really difficult to see the obvious emotional/mental trauma personified into the hoarding. Hard to run away from that.
I had this same thought.
Um... I guess try make the best of it and be glad you don't have to stay overnight?
Good luck Motz!
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Thanks Gault. It's 1.5 hours away, so no time to run over to check it out. Even if I could, she's got her mind made up. I want to be positive, but at the same time I feel like it's not fair of her to expect us to be cool with having a huge Christmas somewhere that has been so uncomfortable to be for so long.
Motzie, there's a fine line to walk here (obviously). You have to weigh your mom's progress vs the safety of everyone else.
Personally, if this were me & my mom, my plan would be two-fold. I would make the effort to get out to their house with everyone for a little time (a half hour), and I would give myself an out, like I promised I'd meet with great grandma X for lunch. I would plan on not letting Joaquin down to crawl, and bring all toys from our house that I know are free from mold, random solvents, dust, etc. Then, when we arrived I'd assess from there... my parents have issues with mold so I wouldn't be down with too much longer than that with Joaquin in tow, but if your mom's issue is just clutter and not filth, give her a shot, imo. I would not bring pets, period, though.
I'm sorry, Motz. This is a tough situation and there is no easy solution that will satisfy everyone. Your sister had a great idea. It sounds like your mom has her heart set on hosting. I imagine she could use the encouragement and motivation, but I totally get that it could be extremely uncomfortable (or even nasty). You guys are going to have to decide what your boundaries are regarding this and then go with it.
If you do end up at your mom's, could you leave the dogs somewhere else at least?
Good luck.
Maybe I'm the minority because my gut would tell me to sit this round out. I mean, at this late stage in the game I'd say, "Sorry, I already have made plans to spend the holiday with H, but I can't wait to hear about the celebration!"
I just really hate last-minute invitations and this idea that we are obligated to be at our parents' beck and call on Christmas Day.
Thanks Broc. Thankfully, it has just been clutter. I know she cleaned the carpets last weekend too, but yeah, I feel worse for my sister who has the baby.
There isn't really anywhere for my sister or I to leave the dogs for the day. There is just no happy ending to this scenario. I just want to go my aunt and uncles place. It's where we always go!
How far away is your aunt and uncles? Could you have an exit prepared just in case? Like they will offer to host dessert, since they will miss hosting so much. You go to your moms, open gifts, eat (or don't eat) and rush to your aunt and uncles?
Its sad, because you want to be supportive, but your health/safety/enjoyment is on the line.
This is pretty much why I was suggesting that she's set this as her deadline/motivation. If you and your siblings refuse to come to the house, it could set her back in her efforts to improve her situation. I think she needs you all to see that she's making progress.
Is there a way to suggest to her that maybe you keep the tradition of Christmas at your aunt & uncle's, but get together with her for appetizers/drinks? You can all still be there, but there's a defined limit on your stay.
I'm sorry you're in this position. It sucks.
Oh crud. This situation sounds so tough. Great big hugs, Motzie.
Honestly? If it were me I would make an appearance for a little while and MAYBE have dinner since your mom is taking the time to prepare it. As for staying for a long time or letting the baby down to crawl? Probably not.
As Broc was saying, is it a question of outright filth? Like vermin, animal waste and dirty dishes? I admit when you say hoarder I think of those shows on TV's that are atrocious, so her hoarding might be just of the junk/clothes variety. If her hoarding is relatively minor and not a major health hazard then I would consider it.
If you would rather go to your Uncle's house then I would just let your mom know and be honest about the reason. I know it will hurt her feelings, but you can't compromise yourself or your health just to save her feelings, KWIM? You can let her down gently and with love. Then offer to help her get the house in order for a New Year's celebration, perhaps?
Can you go to her house a day early and kind of help her with the "last minute" preparation? Do you have any one you know that could go over and kind of give you a heads up?
I am also kind of with Fuss on the last-minute thing. Sometimes its easier to bow out with a polite excuse that you've already made plans for that day, but you would love to drop by and see her at a later time?
Bollocks this situation is hard. I'm sorry.
I do think that it would be a good idea to go and make polite noises for a little while but your first concern needs to be your family's (meaning you, the H & the pups) safety and good time.
Definitely a good point and I'm sorry for missing it.