Starting Over
HisChamaoleGirl
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
If you could, or did, confront the other woman....
What did or what would you say?
BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013
Re: If you could, or did, confront the other woman....
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD idea. Move on. Nothing will come out of it except negative things and you'll be a tool in the story.
The only way I would ever confront/talk to any other woman would be if i was close to her (friend or family). I would tell her I was disappointed in her, angry and hurt. I would then tell her that our relationship will never be what it was.
I just can't see myself blowing up. I would cry, but in the end she is a loser and not worth my time. If it were a random woman or someone I didn't know well, I would not waste my time with a confrontation.
Now, I have a child. If this OW had the possibity of being in my child's life I would try my best to make sure I kept things civil for her.
The thought once crossed my mind and I wanted to reach out to her to say that I knew my X was cheating on her too. I felt bad for her and wanted to warn her. But I knew that NOTHING good would come of it and decided that, like me, she would learn her lesson for herself.
As a side note, remember that , though the other woman made poor choices that hurt you, the ultimate betrayal was from your husband, not her.
She used to come to our house weekly to watch TV, and I was pretty sure something as going on. I never said anything to her but subtly began coaching her in parenting skills as she is rather immature (she's only 22) and may take on the role of future step mom.
I originally hoped it was another women (who would also come to watch TV)- she is smart, funny and responsible and has great step mom potential. When told my sister this and she laughed and said "I guess you know your marriage is really over when you are hoping your husband is cheating with one woman over another as she'll make a better step mom."
After we separated I did later run into the other woman at the library - I saw her watching me but I just ignored her. After i got my book (right behind her desk of all places!!) I hurried to my car before I started crying. She'll graduate in 1.5 years and probably move away (or into my house... not sure which)
I definitely agree with the others. Don't do it. If anything, let her (I know that sounds ridiculous, but it happens) and she'll be the one to look like a fool. If you confront anyone, it should be your ex, but even then, it really won't get you anywhere.
If you really want to do something write out a letter of everything you would ever want to tell her and then destroy it. It may feel good just getting those thoughts out and on paper, but don't ever give it to her.
Ok, I actually did confront the other women (plural) over the phone. I did it because I saw the sexting, he told me and our therapist that nothing physical happened, he said i was crazy (nothing new) and I just had to know, for myself, if something had happened.
I did not blow up. I was very, very civil. I said, I am his wife. They said "wha???" and I asked if anything happened. They all fully admitted to having physical relationships. I told them to get tested for STD's, he's cheating with multiple others right now as well. Then I hung up.
One called me back, in tears, and apologized. Another called back (I knew I should have used a blocked number!) and said, "Are you really married? Because we've slept in his bed." Yep, and that right there is why I didn't need to call them. I said "yes" and hung up, but it made me sick to my stomach and has really been hard for me deal with knowing that.
I will say, I needed to know, because I needed to know if this was something we could work through (really just sexting) or if I was married to a sociopath. Clearly, the answer was the second, and made me confident in my decision. I could have/ should have just trusted my gut that something was going on and left, but I think I would have questioned whether I really gave our marriage a try. XH has never fully admitted to what he has done.
BTW_ the second girl, who acted like she didn't believe XH was married, is still with XH and just transferred to my office, where she has posted pics of her and XH all over her cubicle and is telling everyone they are a married couple (before our divorce was even final). KNowing who she is makes me want to vomit, and the fact that she is still with him, and living in my house, and working at my office- a throat punch would be much more satisfying. Clearly "confronting" (if you can call it that) had zero impact on her, and just made me ill and angry. I don't recommend it.
XH just picked up DS for his holiday visitation and the OW was in the car in my driveway. They've been dating ever since he left (16 months ago) and I've never spoken to her. I have nothing to say to her -- and honestly, I feel bad that she's with XH. She'll learn eventually.
You've been strong, good for you, cause I am pretty sure the way I felt at some of my lowest points last year I would have throat punched this chick.
As for the other women in my situation, I did call them both and leave them the number of the other but that was pretty much it. Cause I wasn't about to mess up my life with harassment charges or anything like that. But don't think I didn't dream about cutting abitch. At the end of the day, these women are strippers, who, in my mind, are whores with limited futures and I'm better than that.
OP, don't confront the other woman. It's not worth it, they aren't going to be all "I'm sorry I hurt you" or whatever, so just relax, relate and release. *cleansing breath* The best revenge is living well.
One of my exes cheated on me, and I did confront the other woman. She asked "Are you going to kick my @$$?" I said no, you're not worth the damage to my heels, and walked away.
well played
This is my situation exactly. OW/GF serves a purpose in his life - taxi driver, ego stroker, and bank funds. She drives him to pick up DS for each of his visits and plays family with them all weekend.
Would I love to tell her that just a few weeks ago XH proposed he and I have sex, that he told me he's only with her because he "can't be alone," and knew he didn't love her but was trying to stick it out? Sure. But she also cheated with a knowingly married man and I have zero respect for her. And it's not my place to bring light to such a great relationship - she would never believe me anyway.
I would never ACTUALLY confront any of the ladies Ex was involved with - Though I would LOVE to casually run into the person that he confessed he was physical with the monday before christmas the year my DD was born. It would be FANTASTIC b/c it would be a double whammy - "you slept with my DD's father and now I'm in a very wonderful stressless relationship with the guy you wish you didn't let get away"
I do curse and say nasty things to myself about the other girls when I notice them on FB though.