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OK have to vent! Kind of long
Ok so just to give a little bit of history first my little brother has been dating this girl L for a little over a year now and they just got engaged before my brother left for Basic. My family and I have had our doubts about this girl for a little while now because she's one of those girls who doesnt work, sleeps ALL THE TIME, and always seems to have something wrong with her (my head hurts, i have a fever, my big toe hurts, blah blah blah i need to go lay down). But she was going to college full time so we all just brushed everything else off and figured at least my brother is happy lets not get involved.
Well since my brother left L has been really distant with all of us (she used to spend almost every weekend with us), dropped out of college, still isnt working, and has been in a lets throw L a pitty party because her fiance is in basic kind of mood. Then today we talked to a close friend and found out she told my brother she was mad at him because he called our mother on christmas and ran out of time before he could call her even though he called her today...REALLY?!
Now since my H has already been through basic and is currently deployed Ive tried to talk to her about what shes going through and give her different ideas of how to cope rather then sitting around whining about it all day. Especially since my brother signed up for 6 years and plans to make this his career so obviously this is the first of many times that he will be away, and she just shoots down everything I suggest and is really short with me like Im wasting her time. And I'm kind of getting the feeling that shes going to end up guilting my brother into marrying her ASAP (instead of waiting another 3-4 years) so she can ride on his coat tails and continue not having to do anything.
I really dont know what to do or how to handle talking to her anymore. I dont want to just cut her out because my brother and I are very close and I dont want to mess that up, but I obviously cant force her to have a relationship with my family and I. Oh and to top it off my family and I have to ride in a car with her for 29 hours to get to my brothers graduation in about a week...should be a good time :-
Re: OK have to vent! Kind of long
My H's family talked about me like you talk about her. Except I graduated college, etc. They thought they knew me, and did not. Just lots of judgment over innocuous things that they didn't understand.
1) she spent every weekend there because your brother was there. I wouldn't really care to spend a ton of time with H's family sans him.
2) Stop giving her unsolicited advice. Only advise her if she comes to you. I've never been through a boot camp separation, but a lot of people say it's harder than deployment because it's the first separation. Unsolicited advice just makes you seem sanctimonious.
3) MYOB about when they get married. Again, unsolicited advice is a good way to get ignored and disliked. If your brother asks your advice about JOPing or whatever, then advise him to wait. And I agree that they should.
4) whether she works or goes to school is their decision as a couple. Gossip about her with your best friend or something.
Try not to be obvious that you dislike her. H's sisters thought they were hiding it. They weren't.
I agree with everything Stan said. I absolutely adore my in-laws but it was rocky at first because we didn't know each other and made assumptions. We are now very good friends and I trust them more than my own parents.
My MIL knew when I needed advice and knew when to keep it to herself. Her advice only came unsolicited one time but it came through my H. She spoke to him and we all realize there was a misunderstanding. I'm an introvert so sometimes my quietness can come across as rude in some circles. We all laugh about it now since we have mutual love and respect for each other.
If she were to have approached me directly in the manner you are speaking now, I would not have talked to her in the future. You need to tread lightly when it comes to your future SIL or you may alienate your brother. If you really feel that passionate about it, talk to him first but be prepared for the consequences.
It could be this or it could be her immaturity is showing and she can't cope with being an independent person without her BF. Whichever the case, I'm with Stan MYOB. Make the effort to get to know her as "L" instead of as "my brother's gf" instead of just doling out advice. Maybe if you get to know her a bit better and she feels she can trust you she may start taking the advice you gave her and see that being apart isn't the end of the world.
Two questions for you: 1) Other than your sibling being in the military, do you have any other military affiliation? 2) If your brother is deployed, what is he graduating from in a week?
I read that as her husband is military, been through basic and is currently deployed..
Ooooh. Gotcha. I was morphing OP's husband and brother into one person. Thank you for pointing that out.
With the way you're talking about her, I'm betting big money she's picking up on your attitude about her. I wouldn't want to hang out with you either. And considering what jr enlisted make, I highly doubt she's going to pressure him to marry him solely for money. That would be silly. There are many other reasons they would want to get married (how long have they been together?)
General rule of thumb- people don't like unsolicited advice. It rarely turns out well, and it's rude, even if you have what you think are good intentions.
Give the girl a chance, this trip could be a good chance to get to know her. It seems like the relationship problems are as much your fault as they are hers.
I changed my name
You wrote 4 paragraphs on what a looser this girl is - jobless, college drop-out who sleeps all day long, complains constanly is about to trap your brother into marrying her for his money. You don't paint a pretty picture.
She probably has noticed how you feel about her.
I don't know this girl, so I can't say if your judgement is fair or not. But I will say that if she is a worthless looser, she's not going to want your opinions on stopping her plans at a gravy train ... and if she's just going through a rough patch before she pulls herself together, she'snot going to want you judging her. People have to pull themsleves together, you can't do it for them.
Just don't say or do anything you have to apologize for later. That would be so much worse than having to keep your mouth shut now.
Seriously, all of this.
Sorry my H is deployed my brother is graduating from basic.
I see now I wasn't very clear when I posted all of this. Ive never showed her or my brother that I'm concerned about any of this Im still sitting back and watching at this point hoping something will turn around. Her and I actually had a decent relationship before he left and we talked about how I got through everything before this too and she seemed open to it...and now if Im lucky enough to get her on the phone and she says shes not doing good because she really misses my brother and everything Ill say well have you tried doing this or that and all she ever says is yea tried that didnt work. As for her visiting us I understand she wont be over every weekend like she was when my brother was home and I dont expect her to but I mean once or twice since he left wouldn't be bad or even a phone call when my brother calls her but doesnt have time to call here...just to keep us in the loop. It seems like shes completely changed for the worse when it got closer to him leaving.
Im really not sure if shes depressed or just milking it. I get the impression that shes milking it because she will take any and every opportunity to have someone pity her whether its on facebook or out with her friends (most of her friends are good friends with my brother and VERY close with us so we talk to them all the time). So I kind of go back and forth about that.
Besides our mother...all of you here are the only people to know I feel this way. I always make sure Im nice to her hoping she will open up more.
Well we obviously don't know her or you. But it's pretty dang obvious you have negative feelings toward her. I'm usually pretty good at picking up when people feel like that, and I'd bet you're not hiding your feelings about her as well you think you are. Plus you're talking crap about her to her other friends, so that's cool. She could be really taking it hard and is reaching out, maybe she is a drama lama, but she's still missing her fi.
I still think you're being too hard on her. And I say again, she probably doesn't really want your unsolicited advice. If she's sad she may just need someone to commiserate with her and say they know it sucks, she might not want/need a solution or "fix"
I changed my name
And the people said, "Amen".
Do you realize how judgmental you sound? People are capable of picking up body language signals and I imagine while you haven't "said" anything, she knows how you feel. Like Jilly said, she probably just wants an outlet to vent.
Are you kidding me about the phone call part? If he calls her, she is not required to then call your family to tell you. Have you verbalized that you would like to her to tell you if he calls or to invited her to visit? If this is a unspoken rule, maybe tell your brother to ask her "hey if I don't have a chance to call family, can you let them know I'm okay?" Regardless of if they are family, I still don't show up to someone's house unless invited. Maybe invite her to coffee just the two of you? Send some quality time together and get to know her. If she asks for advice, give it. If not, let her get out the frustrations of a separation.