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What Sayeth MN?
Since we're a bit slow I'll offer this up for discussion:
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My cousin has been with this girl since their senior year of high school (they both just turned 25). Within the last year he landed a really good job and she just graduated with her masters in education but doesn't have a job. They both live at home. She has been chomping at the bit to get him to move out with her, get married and have kids like all of the losers from high school she sees doing on Facebook.
Her mom and step-father had separated earlier this year and one of them got a furnished apartment. The parents get back together but still have 6 months left on this furnished apartment and don't want to break the lease because it's paid in full for a year. They offer it to the girlfriend and my cousin but my cousin doesn't want to play house for 6 months wasting money on utilities and food and other expenses only to move back home when he could stay at home and continue to save. Girlfriend throws down an ultimatum; she wants one of the following in no particular preference by the end of the year: ring, house or baby.
I guess her end of year was December 1st because she wakes up one day and tells him she doesn't know if she still wants to be with him and needs to think things through. My cousin is really upset and hurt (he was actually in the process of getting a ring to propose after the holidays) but agrees to give her the space. She refuses to see him, deleted her Facebook but continues to text him with things like "I love you, babe", "miss you", etc. She also still expected him to spend the holidays with her family even though this whole thing is fodder for the gossip mills in her family. He chose not to go and spent it with me and my sister instead.
My cousin keeps talking about it and wants advice. I've basically just thrown out the good old stand by of "if you think you guys can work through whatever it is she needs or wants then go for it". I have my own thoughts on what he should really do and I have my own theories as to what is behind all of this but if they get back together I don't want that problem.
So what does MN think? Should he stick it out for her or cut his losses now?
Re: What Sayeth MN?
im having a hard time getting past someone that age with a good job still living at home.
on my phone, sorry for formatting weirdness.
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Why is he living at home? Is it against his personal views to live with her unmarried and "play house" for religious reasons?
I can see how she feels like 7 years is a long time to "only" be dating if she wants more.
I understand both sides of it. Seven years is a long time to be together, but neither of them has proven to be capable of living as an independent adult. Until each of them has an income, savings, and has lived on their own without help from mommy and daddy, they absolutely should not be discussing marriage or babies with anybody.
Obviously that's a cultural POV and some regions and religions encourage adult children to live at home until they're married off, but in this day and age, I think that's generally a disservice to the adult child.
Pretty much where I'm at with that story. I can't see how living on one's own at that stage of life is a waste of money. To be honest, I can sort of see why she freaked and threatened to just cut him loose. You didn't say whether or not he spoiled his plans to propose or not to get her to stay. Either way, it sounds like it's possible that they could work things out but they definitely need a good honest adult conversation about the speed of things. They need to outline a plan that both of them are comfortable with.
I also think it's weird that "baby" was on the same list as the other two things. Seems more like a step 2.
Also: For what it's worth, he could move out and live by himself. She doesn't have to move in with him before they're married if he's not comfortable with that.
They both live at home because he just got this job within the last year...maybe less...I can't keep up with it all. He was trying to get admittance to the steamfitters union for several years but can't past the test. It took a while for him to acknowledge it's not going to happen and find a new path. I doubt whatever he was making at the liquor store was helping him save a lot. He has had to pay room and board to his mom since he was 19 or 20 (?).
She's been working at one pizza shop or another while flip flopping majors for several years. I doubt she has much in savings either and now she'll have a nice student loan payment headed her way.
With that in mind I can totally understand his hesitation to move out.
Frankly, I'd like to see him cut bait. I (and another family member of mine) suspect one of two things: 1. she's testing the waters to see if anyone else will bite and if not she'll go back to my cousin. (I have no idea where all these fishing idioms are coming from today!) or 2. she was hoping her big show of "leaving" him would have been enough to light a fire under his ass and make him pop the question.
Well played, madam!
This. They want two different things. It seems that they would both be better suited with a partner that has the same goals.
I'm with the girlfriend on this one. Paying utilities is a waste of money? Living together is simply playing house? He sounds immature.
I'm not down with an ultimatum, nor an "I need babies now" gambit, but since you're hearing this likely 3rd hand or worse, I'm going to guess that's not exactly the situation. The truth is probably in the middle, that she does want a future with marriage and a kid, but she's not demanding it by next month. More likely, she's expressed that she wants him to move out, and he keeps delaying it (when you graduate... when I get a job), and she's finally realized he's not going to do it.
Can you imagine if she came on the boards and asked for advice on a boyfriend who refuses to leave home, even when there's free rent? Everyone would say he's a loser, and she should cut her losses now.
I would encourage her to get a job so she can afford utilities without him.
I am wondering if she is thinking "things are stalling, I've been with him for 7 years and for what?" It seems that no matter what things staying the same with not be enough for her.
I moved back home after the wedding and before PCSing to H. Even though it was rent free I didn't have the freedom I did when living on my own. IMO moving into the apt would not be waste- but I dunno if the gf moving in with him is the best idea. But I am old school and wouldn't live with H unless I had a ring and even once we got married it was months later that we actually got to live together. lol
After 7 years of dating, I'd hope my partner could handle utilities for a few months (while rent free!) and not begrudge me that while I job searched. Hell, after just 2 years of dating, H supported and encouraged me moving to be with him, even though that meant I would be financially dependent while searching for work.
How did she complete her masters if she's been flip-flopping on majors for several years?
She has a job, at least a minimum wage one where she'd be able to contribute to household expenses, and she wants to explore living away from home with the guy she's been with for 6 years. I don't blame her for wanting him to agree to making some kind of big commitment (living together or engagement) to show that he's really serious about the relationship and not just hanging around because he's scared to end it.
ETA: Wait, does she have a pizza shop job but not a teaching job, or is she completely unemployed?
I have no idea how she managed to finish her bachelors and masters in the span of 18 months. If I remember correctly she wasn't even in school about 24 months ago and didn't have many classes under her belt. No, she doesn't have a teaching job, she's been working at a pizza place in between completing her internship needed for her graduate degree.
She doesn't have a teaching job, she's having problems even getting interviews. Teaching jobs are few and far between in our state.
I'm agree with Sibil on this one. It doesn't seem like they're really compatible; I honestly can't blame her if she set an end date to their relationship after seven years. If he can't give her what she wants, then she needs to move on. Also, he shouldn't get into something he's not ready for just because she demands it. It really sounds like a case of different priorities.