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Glad I'm not the only one
I joined this site because I really wanted advice on what was up with our sex life, and after reading a few posts I realized I'm not alone in this. Many of your posts mimic my story:
Jan 1st, we will be married for 6 months. I, like many of you on here, can't figure out why my H won't have sex. I'm going out of my mind. I've talked to him about it, told him my concerns. He won't give me an answer and nothing changes. He does say, however, that I "never initiate", which is BS.
It's gotten to the point where I won't initiate anymore because I HATE being rejected. I feel like I'm bothering him if I try to get some. It's killing my esteem. I feel ugly and alone. Not only are we not having sex, but there is also no cuddling or any physical contact. I'm realizing that I can't do a whole lifetime of this and wonder how long I can last before I start looking for attetion and affection elsewhere. I honestly feel like I'm his roommate and maid. I'm tired of getting new things to wear or new hair styles or new make up or new recipes or killing myself at the gym to have a hot body...all so I can get MAYBE a look of desire from him or possibly a "you look nice today".
He also doesn't "believe" in counseling, so I'm not sure I want to waste money on that route. But everything I've typed here I've said to him when I "sit down and have a frank talk". So where do I go from here?
I think I'm falling out of love with him. Also, our sex life
was GREAT but things started to fall off before we got married. We had
sex ONCE on our HM, and that was because I practically begged for it.
So - I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this, but how are all of you coping? Maybe they need a "my husband won't have sex with me" board on here.
Re: Glad I'm not the only one
That's a rough situation. I understand what it feels like to talk to a wall... like you keep driving down the same dead-end street. I don't know anything else about your marriage but what you've revealed here (kids, finances, etc.) so I don't know how long you'll be able to keep this up. How do you see this playing out?
I see at least two likelihoods: you might decide to have an affair, or you might decide to end your marriage. Have you bounced either of those possibilities off him? If not, think about it. Again, I don't know what you have to lose.
What's going on here behind the scenes?
How old are you both? how long did you date before you were married?
Is he in good health? Is there any reason to believe that he may have an organic health problem-- thyroid, diabetes, circulatory, hormonal -- that may be a contributing factor to zero sex?
Ordinarily I suggest he get a physical and a check up but that doesn't seem to be the case in this situation.
Is there any reason to believe he may be having an affair, is gay or is simply asexual -- wants no sex and no sex is fine by him?
It could also be that he has simply decided that he wants no more sex with you, due to reasons only he can name.
Whatever it is, this is sad and maddening; sorry this happened to you.
THere is a huge disconnect here -- that this guy was the pants monster of love before the I do and now he's as immovable as the Rock of Gibraltar is saying a great great deal.
What also says volumes:
He is not concerned with how you feel and he is not meeting your needs. Sexual needs are the same as financial and social needs and emotional needs; they are just as important and this guy doesn't seem to care. Instead he places the blame on you -- and the blame is a patent lie! You yourself said you initiate -- apparently that's the only way for you to get a little action -- and he's not bothering to reciprocate.
That he will not give you an answer speaks volumes and that nothing changes when you talk to him does also.
He's also lying to you and he's making up an excuse. Not cool.
What I suggest:
You sit down and talk to him --- yes, again ---- and make it a long and in depth and no holds barred get-ugly talk about your non sex life.
Tell him that you love him but he needs to ante up and start now -- give him a deadline for it. Make that crystal clear.
If he won't act on it, either he lets you pursue an open relationship -- you get your sexual fill elsewhere with whoever you want to -- or you file for an annulment. I would very kindly let him know that a no-sex marriage is NOT an option for you and that he antes up or it's over.
You did NOT get married to get a roommate who doesnt give a tinker's damn about you, either in or out of the bedroom.
This "marriage" is weird, dysfunctional and unhealthy for you. For a guy to go from a healthy and normal sex life to one that doesn't exist is abnormal.
When you tell him to start meeting your needs or it's over -- I would tell him exactly that --- you'll see where his character is.
If he won't make tracks to ,meet your needs and show concern for you -- this is what marriage is about: putting the other person FIRST --- that's showing you what kind of character he has and that's zero: to match his appetite in the bedroom.
Good luck resolving this issue; let us know what happens. I myself personally think he is hiding in a nice sized closet. And even if he is not gay, you do not need marriage to a cold fish.
You and he are sexually incompatible and it looks like you're incompatible in other areas, also.
A blunt and frank talk with him:
He meets your needs starting now OR he gives you the option of an open marriage...if he won't start getting busy with you on a regular basis or say okay to the open marriage (that is, if you do not mind an open marriage) tell him you're filing for an annulment.
During this pep talk I'd ask him straight away if he is gay, bi or having an affair or all of some of the above. Something isn't right here and only he can say what the reason is.
In the old days, this used to be called "alienation of affection." Refusing to have sex with your spouse is grounds for an anullment.
edit
As far as age: I am 30 he is 29
We've "known" each other since high school but didn't speak until we started dating about 4 years ago. We were engaged after three years and had a year long engagement.
The excuses up to now, from him, as to why he has been distant was stress about his job and work. We both lost our jobs, were under water with the house, might have to short-sell, where are we gonna live, we can't pay for the wedding......very understandable explinations to why a strong sex drive will go down the drain. Also, I was on BC, which made me BSC and killed my libedo too.
However, since the wedding, I am off BC and libedo is up again (yay!). H and I have since gotten great jobs and we make enough to pay the house bills and then some left over for savings. We are re-doing the basement, got new windows, a new roof. HE is talking about trying for babies in the next month or so (yeah, explain THAT one!)
But still, nothing has changed in the sex or the passion in our marriage. I don't know how to explain it: he wants to do things with me like go to a winery on the weekend or shopping for things around the house. He always HAS to kiss me goodbye in the morning, makes a big deal about that. But there is no cuddling or sex.
A few days after my OP, I was sitting at home waiting for him to get home from work and was rearing to go. I convinced myself to put some moves on him that night, but in the back of my mind was so scared of being rejected again. He came home, looking handsome as all hell in his work clothes, and went upstairs to get changed. I followed along, continuing whatever conversation he was having with me, and when he started to get undressed, I made my move. Then I was rejected, again. It was like once he found out I wanted to fool around, he stiffened (and not in the good way) and sighed "ok, let me go to the bathroom first". When he came out, he got into house clothes real fast and started talking about dinner and "hey, why don't we go to Lowes and get those shelves we wanted to put up in the living room?" Then went downstairs. Ug, what a horrible feeling that was. Now I see the logic behind open marriages.
I'm not sure about him being gay. Other than the fact he doesn't want to fool around with me, I really can't see it. And this comes from someone who has dated a guy who turned out to be gay! (yeah, the signs where there and I wasn't shocked when he came out).
Even if he isn't gay, this is not normal behavior. Maybe cut right to the chase and tell him you're out of there because he will not have a normal sex life with you --- and tell him this after you have filed for an anullment.
Before you file, get your financial ducks in a row if you need to -- and when that's ready, file for the annulment and tell this cupcake you're history. Enough is enough and that's that.
Maybe he doesn't feel like a "Man" and a good provider when $$$ is tight?
There is also the usual lull after marriage as the thrill of "forbidden" love is gone.
As for communication with a man? They don't understand hint, clues, double meaning, intuition etc. They can't "see" a situation either.
Unless you showup naked and tear the clothes off him and "take" him. A man may not notice that you want sex.
hmmmm. SOmething is NOT right here.
Believe me, you would be shocked at how many ppl are gay and there are no signs. Many of them were able to have a "normal" sex life previously for a period of time. Its sustaining it that becomes impossible.
If we was asexual, he never would have had a sex life to begin with.
And you don't think he is cheating? SOMETHING is going on here.
As the pp pointed out, something isn't right here.
With your first point - you are correct, that was what I assumed the issue was in the first place. However, he is now the "breadwinner" as I got laid off and he's back to work making more than before he was laid off.
As for "forbidden love" - we lived together for two years prior to the marriage, and the sex life dropped off way before we said our vows.
As far as communication - last time I made a move he was about to change from work clothes. While he was unbuttoning his shirt, I pushed my body against his, started kissing his neck, and grabbed his junk, then whispered into his ear "I've been thinking about you all day and it's got me going crazy, you wanna help me with that?" I'm not to sure how much more direct I need to be!
I'm really not sure about the cheating. He never goes anywhere, ever, which in itself annoying. Trying to get some clues into what's going on, I snooped a bit (yep, I'm horrible but I want some answers). Nothing in his in box of his email, nothing in his "sent" or "trash" folders. No clues on FB. He's not secretive about his phone at all or who calls. He often lets me use his phone when I can't find mine (we don't have a LAN line in the house). He comes home from work and plants it on the couch until bedtime. On the weekends, we are always together. If anything, I'm more likely to go out for random amounts of time without him knowing where I am. I can't figure out when he would have time to get some from somewhere else.
Also, when we DO have sex, he's maybe 1.5 min TOPS once he's inside me. If he were getting laid somewhere else, wouldn't he have more.....endurance? We will go a month w/o any, and his time between beginning to end is pretty much consistent with a guy who hasn't had any in a month.
i have two thoughts
1 perhaps even though he wants kids in his mind maybe you being of BC makes sex a more serious occasion
2 when he came home 'all sex in his work clothes' it sounds like your move basically came out of left field and you may have caught him off guard, perhaps you could send him a text right before he gets out of work ... maybe something along the lines of... 'i cant wait for you to get home, I've been thinking about you all day. you look so sexy in your suit, leave it on and come join me in bed'