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Dealing with my XH on "teen boy issues"
Ive been feeling very frustrated lately about my son who has been exhibiting a lot of "teen angst" and essentially driving me up a wall. The arguing, complaining, spoiled, inconsiderate nature he has bothers me, but I can see that a lot of it is him "being a teen".
Though my son's personal hygene has always been an issue (making him brush his teeth again because he didnt do it right the first time) it is getting worse. Last night, after his shower, I smelled under his arms and he stunk. I smelled his hair and he smelled like a wet dog. I made him (obviously) get back in the shower, but I found mysef furious that XH doesnt monitor this more closely when my son is at his house. When my XH dropped my son off the other day, my son's teeth were gross and when I asked him about it, he said he forgot to brush that morning, while at his dad's.
I called XH and his only response is, "we make him do it again if he doesnt do it right." But Im sure that my XH doesnt smell his hair every day and say, "go back - do it again". Im so frustrated that not only do I have to deal with all the emotional teen issues, but also the area, that I feel his father should be more actively involved (hygene as a young man).
Ideas? Suggestions?
Re: Dealing with my XH on "teen boy issues"
Teenage boys stink. It's just what they do. And then all of the sudden, they'll get into a clean mode and spend 45 minutes in the shower (we timed one of my SS's) and then drown themselves in a gallon of cologne every day.
And personally, I think it's a little over the top to smell him after he gets out of the shower. I know you don't want him to stink, but that's a little much for me. He's trying to have some control over his body, and when you check him out after each shower, it's just going to make him not want to shower even more. so his passive-aggressive solution is to do less in the hygiene department.
When one of his friends tells him that he reeks, that's when he'll take it seriously. When they're teens, the parents' opinion doesn't mean much.
Oh, I definitely do! He has a "girl-friend" and I tell him how girls do not like stinky or smelly guys. I told him, last night for example, you smell - get back in the shower. And he says, "No, I don't.". Me: "Im not asking you if you do... I am telling you a fact. I smell you and it stinks." - He's in such an argumentative state that he completely ignores that I am telling him this and says, "No I dont!"
Ugh...
Its the first time I've actually told him to lift his arm. I went through a period of "he'll learn eventually, when someone at school tells him he stinks." Then when it didnt change, I did start periodically smelling his hair telling him he smelled like a wet dog and to take another shower. It just seems to be getting worse, now with him not brushing his teeth.
My ultimate concern is that if he does not pay attention to hygene (teeth, for example), that can get expensive for me. I just paid $160 in dental services for $600+ worth of work (thank you, dental insurance). And I don't these issues to get worse.
Go back & think about middle school/high school. MOST boys in that time period hit a point (usually when they REALLY start noticing girls & thinking about dating) & start caring about their appearance a lot more. You can't predict when this will happen, but eventually it will. You can't force it on him either.
I know you're trying to guide him, but it only seems like you're making him resist you more. If he wants to be the smelly kid in class, let him. Sometimes kids need to learn lessons on their own.
You say " teen boy" does that mean 14 or 17? There is a big difference in hygiene with these ages. I raised two boys and one developed early and one was a very late bloomer. I swear he stood against the shower wall to avoid the water. I figured it would work it self out and it did. I picked my battles and a smelly boy was low on my list of battles. He did bloom and started taking care of his showers and teeth better around 16 or so. Now I have to buy conditioner for his hair and special toothpaste for him.
Maybe try to get him involved in the products he uses? Take him to the store and have him smell the deodorants and shampoos and pick one.
Honestly. Smelling his hair and pits when he gets out of the shower? I've got teen boys; this is really invasive and controlling.
His girlfriend will tell him if he smells too bad for her. Please stop this.
I like this idea!
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
Agreed. That just sounds nutty to me. If my mom did this to me it would drive me INSANE.
Also, letting him pick out his products sounds good.
Please trust me when I say that I dont WANT to be double checking him, I just feel like I'm not doing my job as a mom if I allow my son to be dirty. I've let go with obsessing about whether or not he is re-wearing dirty clothes. I guess I'll just have to let this go and run its course.
And FWIW, he's 13. I started getting him involved in picking out his own hygene products about a year ago and this Xmas, someone in the family got him an Axe shower kit (the whole shebang). So I pray this improves soon, and in the meantime, I'll just hold my nose.
Thirteen is prime stinky time for boys. Just let him percolate in his own funk and his friends (or even more embarrassing, parents of friends) will call him out on it.
It will pass.
LMAO.
This is soooo true! I cleaned his room while he was at XHs and removed all the mold infested cups (eek), and other grossities - got the room smelling nice. And within 24 hours of being home, the room reeked like last weeks garbage. Blech.
I haven't read all the replies yet, I just had to pop my eyeballs back into my head after the "I smelled his armpits after his shower" comment!
I guess I'm a little more hands-offish than you. But I figured his friends would let him know when he's rank and all. And I don't know how it happened or why it happened, but all of a sudden he's showering and brushing spontaneously. He turned 15 in October.
I did send one son back into the shower a couple of years ago when I just happened to notice that the soap was still dry after he got out. But he was probably more like 9 or 10 at the time.
I have a no-sniffing policy in my house. I don't sniff body parts, and I don't sniff laundry. I'd just as soon was a clean article of clothing rather than risk having to smell it!
There's so little we can actually control when it comes to our teenage boys. I think I'd let him win this one for now. Social mores will come into play eventually, esp since you say he has a girlfriend. This message will eventually come from her, and then you won't be the bad guy.
How about the good ole "If you dont do it right I'll have to watch you?" You can offer to sit on the edge of the bath while be bathes....
That should scare the ba-geebies out of him.
Agree. Humiliation is generally not a strong motivator with adolescents.
My mom did tell me I stank one time, I think I was 12.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!