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When do you know a friendship is no longer worth the effort?
I have a friend who I have known for about 4 years. We became very close very quickly as we worked closely together at the same company and office, and when we first met, she was going through a breakup and myself some marriage struggles. We bonded by helping each other through those rough times.
After that, however, I noticed our friendship started to wane a bit. We'd get into tiffs/arguments/disagreements over silly things. She made a new group of friends and spent majority of her time with them. Any opportunity to insult my friends, she would take. She upset me more than she made me happy, so I decided to take a bit of a break from her this past summer and we went 2-3 months without hanging out.
All was well until she decided she wanted to come back into my life full force again. Things were going great, we planned a trip together and were enjoying hanging out again. Sometimes a break can be good and renew and refresh the friendship. However, this past Christmas my sister surprised me and told me she had just became engaged, and that the wedding would be in France this summer. Unfortunately, this conflicted with the trip with my friend, and I had to cancel on her.
Her reaction was not what I expected at all. She demanded an apology, said I was obligated to her and that I evidently have issues with commitment if I can "drop plans so quickly". I udnerstand her disappointment, but family comes first and I simply cannot afford to do both trips.
After reflecting back on our friendship in the past couple of years, it has been many instances of this, butting heads, arguments and simply a lack of understanding between the two of us.
I'd appreciate your thoughts on this and whether moving on from this friendship is the best move for me.
Re: When do you know a friendship is no longer worth the effort?
Well first, you don't have to decide right now to continue or end a friendship. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. If you think her current demands are unreasonable, just take a "I'm sorry that you feel that way, but I just can't go." stance and move on. If she remains upset, that's for her to deal with.
To be fair, if she has already incurred cost for the trip you've now cancelled on, I think you do have some responsibility to share that burden (depending on the circumstances) or at the very least apologize.
I definitely dont' want it to be a "black and white" situation and never talk to her again. Ideally I'd like the friendship to take a direction to one that is more casual as evidently a close freindship isn't working for us.
In terms of the trip, no cost was incurred on her end as we were planning to stay at her parent's place for free. If anything, I've put myself in a bad place now because I've got 2 plane tickets now that I can't use, hence why I'm so confused why she's so mad since it's not costing her a dime. I did apologize several times but she's still very upset.
If somebody flipped out on me, for a vacation that is still months away, and they aren't out any money, I would feel no obligation to continue to work on an already difficult relationship.
You know a friendship isn't worth the effort when you ask the question: When do you know a friendship is no longer worth the effort?"
So true...
No, as I am obligated to attend my sister's wedding in France and cannot afford to do both. I told her I would help find someone to purchase our flights, but really, what more can I do? There is a whole group of people going, so I don't really understand why she is so upset with me. I am not big on people who cancel either, but how was I to know my sister would plan to marry in france. Things happen , and life has to go on. She really needs to get over it but at this point it's kind of the last straw for me. Not once has she said congratulations to my sister.
Why would she? Is she friends with your sister too?
To support me, I suppose. If I were in her shoes I would say congratulations, I'm sorry it won't work out, then move on.
I'm still confused. So she's supposed to be congratulating you on your sister's engagement?
I was hoping for a little more understanding and support. I'm in a difficult spot having to cancel on a friend, but also support my sister and attend her wedding. I'm just saying if I were put in her shoes, I would send my best wishes to the sister and be understanding that things come up sometimes, that's all.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Should you expect understanding? Absolutely.
But "support" and "congratulations" for your sister? Eh- you're pushing the line.
A perfect response from her would have been "Oh- of course! I'm so bummed you can't go, but I fully understand. Obviously going to your sister's wedding is the priority".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yep - you're right ! I guess I'm getting a little nit picky with the whole situation. But what you said - is exactly what I would have expected to hear from a good friend. Basically, like i said in my original post, many events leading up to this have left me with little to no patience for her behaviour and this was kind of the last straw. I think I need to put some distance between us and just let the whole thing fizzle.
I'm going to see if I understand the whole situation. There is a group of people that is taking a trip. This group of people was supposed to include you and your husband and your friend. She is still intending to go on the trip, with the group of people. But since you and your husband need to go to France for your sister's wedding, you have to cancel. I'm assuming you paid for your own plane tickets.
If a really good friend of mine told me that her sister was getting married and that they needed to go to France instead of on a trip with me, my response would have been, "Oh wow! That is so exciting! Obviously, I'm bummed you won't be going on the trip with us! But France, that is so cool. Where in France?"
Honestly, it sounds like your friend is a bit co-dependent and is having a hard time figuring out appropriate boundaries. I would say, cooling it a bit makes a lot of sense. If she can't handle that, back out entirely.