Starting Over
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I don't understand my feelings...long
It's been 9 months since I separated from my husband and it was my choice. I didn't love him anymore. I was sick of being ignored every day. I was sick of making life decisions for both of us, when it was really what I wanted and never what he wanted. I was sick of hoping for a family and a future when I knew deep down inside he didn't want one with me. He had gone from wanting to see me daily, to yelling at me for spending money, taking off for days at a time to visit "friends" while leaving his phone in the car so I couldn't call him, and finally switching his work schedule to second shift so he didn't have to sleep in the same bed with me or see me at all, yet expected me to sit home and not see my friends and have a hot dinner waiting for him at 3am when he got home from work. Everything that went wrong in our lives was my fault and anything that wasn't clean, cooked, washed, fixed was my fault also. I worked two jobs so we could live and so did he, but his one job was strictly for his personal spending money, yet I couldn't spend a dime without having to answer to why. It was very one sided and exhausting.
Now that I'm not with him, I'm happier. Much happier. But I'm sofuckingangryallthetime. I'm working on it in therapy, but we can't figure out where it stems from yet. I have not had one day in 9 months where I could sleep without being chemically altered. I need to have a drink or smoke a bowl or take a muscle relaxer or something or I'm up all night, pacing back and forth, jumping out of my skin. I can't take it. I met my boyfriend 3 months after I left my husband and we fell into it quickly. I love him. I really do. I actually cannot picture my life without him but I've fallen to be so dependent on him. I hate that about myself. I not only hate that, but I despise that. D is awesome to me. He's sweet and caring and fun and we respect each other. Yeah we have our issues, but overall he makes me happy. But I don't want to rely on someone else to make me happy, but I feel like a fuckingshitshoweveryday because I feel like I'm everyone's last resort, including my own. I am not confident to make a decision by myself. I second guess everygoddamnthing I think about. The only decision I've made all year was to leave STBXH and not that I second guess it, but I feel like I lied to myself for 4 years and what else am I lying to myself about? I cannot trust myself.
I lost my two best friends this month, because one decided to tell me that I've become very "distant" since I left STBXH and she doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore. Fine. And my other friend, which I am so upset about, is forcing a friendship with me. I met with her the other day and it was just so forced. I could tell that she was so wrapped up in her life that she didn't give a flyingfuck about anything I had to tell her. She asked about my life, but didn't even listen to the answers. She cut me off left and right to talk about herself, and it just felt so foreign. She was not the same person I've known for the past 11 years. I understand that life moves on and sometimes people fall out with each other, but I never expected this. I feel so alone lately. I blame myself because maybe I do have my head so far up myownass that I can't see what's going on around me. Maybe I'm so self absorbed into my own problems and life that I deserve this. Maybe.
I am pacing back and forth my apartment tonight with no hope for sleep. I am completely sober and straight today and I feel like I'm jumping out of my skin. My bf keeps asking me what is wrong but I cannot put it into words to explain. He knows what I'm going through. He's been through it too. He's divorced. He knows how it feels. He normally gives me advice and listens to me be upset but I don't think it's fair to talk about it anymore with him. This is why I go to therapy.
I'm angry that everything didn't turn out how I planned. I'm angry that life goes on for some people but I seem like I'm stuck. I'm sofuckingangry.
I'm angry that it took 27 years and a divorce for me to finally be close with my family. I should be thankful that I am finally close with them, but I'm angry. I don't understand why everything couldn't just be easy. Why is everything so hard? Why can't I just learn to move on. I do not miss my husband. Not one bit. I just don't understand why I'm feeling this way and it's been like this for a while now. I was okay for a while, but now I'm not. I want to take a knife and slice into my skin to feel something other than nothingness. Feel the hot blood drip from the wounds and know that I am alive. Why can't I just deal? Why do I have to have extremes in the way I feel? Highs and lows and feelings of nothing. Feelings of hatred and feelings of despair. Why am I so worthless to myself? Why can't I just understand that life moves on and things don't always work and that doesn't make me a bad person? Why do I hate every inch of my own being?
I'm just so sick of it.
Any way the wind blows...
Re: I don't understand my feelings...long
I am seeing a psychiatrist, too. I am currently on prozac and it's helping quite a bit. I just go through these bouts of intense frustration and I feel like I'm going to explode/jump out of my skin/rip my own hair out.
Do they know about these bouts? do you exercise, eat healthy? I'm sure you know self medicating isn't really a long term answer, do you talk openly about that with your doctor too? Sorry you're having a hard time, hope you feel better soon.
Yes, I am very open with both my psychiatrist and therapist about everything from cutting myself to smoking weed. I don't like the psychiatrist because he just keeps wanting to prescribe me meds and I'm not okay with that. I do exercise sometimes but I rarely eat. I eat maybe once a day if that. Sometimes I go two days without eating because I only eat when I feel hungry. I know it's unhealthy, but I have had issues with food and my body because I have been so obese in the past and I'm finally at a healthy weight. I eat when I'm happy.
I just feel like such a mess
Prozac for anxiety or depression?
Have you been screened for OCD?
Prozac for both. Mostly depression though. It helps with the anxiety to an extent. Never been screened for OCD...never really even thought it was an issue but could totally be.
There are apparently bigger issues at play here and much deeper emotional issues that just those you see on the surface (i.e. relationships). If your psychiatrist is wanting to prescribe you meds, it is because he feels it is warranted. And though I understand you are against them, you have no clear understanding right now as to why you feel the way you do, perhaps you need to put your trust into medical professionals. If you are still against it, seek the advise of a different psychiatrist, but if that one suggests the medication as well, do it. (Even if you say - I'll try it for 6 months and see how it goes). As a side note, I have a hard time understanding why you are against a doctor prescribing a medication when you are taking different forms every single night just to sleep (alcohol, drugs, sleep aids).
As for OCD, I do not see any of the obsessive tendencies in you. What I do see is someone very hurt looking very desperately for a way out. Because there is so much going on inside, I would suggest working on 1 small piece of the puzzle first. Grow from there. Make a list of the things that concern you. You've already named several: eating, sleeping, cutting. Show them to your therapist and see if maybe you can work together to break down one at a time.
I see it this way. You are floating in an ocean of water, trying desperately to swim, but you are scared, lost, and tired. There are so many things working against you that you're panicing and drowing. Working on one of those things can help you survive, then you can work on the others and ultimately get yourself to shore.
I hope this helps and you find some answers you are looking for.
Thank you. I like this advice. I need help. I've been making lists of everything I dislike about myself and I want to bring it up with my therapist, but I don't see him again til the 11th of Jan because he is on vacation. I am hurt and scared and this is definitely deep seeded from my past, other than my marriage. I am pro-actively looking to help myself and this advice makes me want to even more.
This.
And, I know you've been told this before, and I know you don't want to hear it, but I really think that you need to at least take a break from your bf, if not break up entirely. You need to take time to get yourself figured out and be happy being you. You said yourself that you feel dependent on having him around and that you don't like that! You need to take some time to get your meds straightened out, get to the source of your anger and resolve it, and heal.
In the meantime, I'd suggest checking out a meetup group or your local board to see if you can make some new friends. Maybe someone from one of your jobs would be interested in hanging out from time to time.
Such a good point. If your BF cares about you, he would be understanding about you taking time to work on yourself. You do not need 1 more thing to worry about. For about 2 months before I got serious with my BF, I told him "I have to work on 'me' so I can be a better 'we'. " He totally understood and backed off. That little break of time really helped give me some free time to work on my issues.
It sounds like you really want to work on this, so find a place to start and keep going. You can do it! Onward and Upward!
I am so sorry you are so down.. but please be gentle with yourself. YOU need to be able to love, trust, care and respect you before anyone else will. You should take a break with your BF so that you can truly find the root of all your despair and grow to love yourself. And if you're going to write down everything you dislike about yourself, please counteract that with a list of things that you LIKE about yourself. And also write down some positive affirmations ... something easy, like "I am a good person." "I will get through this" "Every day I get a little closer to a brighter, new beginning" or whatever you can relate to and read them everyday.. a few times a day. You're dwelling waaay to deep into the negative and its not a healthy place. Please take your psychiatrist's advice and take the meds... if you are contemplating hurting yourself, you need more help than just weed & alcholol. {{{hugs}}}}
Eat. Not eating will cause serious health and anxiety problems. 65 grams of protein a day; at least 1200 calories of food per day. Low amounts of protein will cause anxiety and cortisol over production in the body, which you do not need. Take a vitamin a day, as well; lack of B vitamins is a well known cause of depression.
Don't have energy drinks or anything with caffeine; they worsen anxiety and sleep problems.
You need a full health workup; tests for thyroid and diabetes (both cause severe anxiety and sleeplessness) as well as vitamin deficiencies. Vitamin D deficiency is very common and can cause a whole host of stress and anxiety related problems. Anemia will also cause fatigue, mental exhaustion and anxiety.
Get out in the sunshine for 30 minutes a day. You need sunlight as well.
Put down the bottle of alcohol, and the bowl of weed. Marijuana exacerbates some mental issues, including depression, anxiety, etc. Meaning it makes it worse. Alcohol is a classic depressant, and will interrupt sleep and vitamin absorption. You cannot possibly justify using these but refusing actual, real, proven medications from your doctor; and these are just making your condition worse. Stop this.
Start taking care of yourself. Leaving your husband is not going to miraculously make you well and strong. Stop with the self abuse, start taking care of yourself, and quit pretending like you know more than your doctors.
Ditto. Positive affirmations are a great start.
You probably know this but...Alcohol is a depressant and one of the worst things to engage in when you are depressed. The research on marijuana is mixed but my understanding is low doses are okay but chronic (and maybe higher doses of it too) leads to anxiety AND depression. While I don't think your marijuana and alcohol use are the cause of your problems they are not helping (and could be making it a tad worse).
I'd recommend you cut both out completely and switch over the alternative and healthier things. Stay on your Dr prescribed meds but one natural remedy for mild depression is to wake up 30-60 minutes for you regularly wake up (it alters your REM cycle) - but make sure you are getting at least 8 hours a night. Another is to blast you body with antioxidants - the fastest way to do this is through food esp juice (get a juicer and make carrot and apple, throw in some spinach, etc). Also consider cutting out corn syrup and food dyes (particularly red 40, blue 1 & 2 & yellow 6).
good luck!
I haven't really got any helpful advice. I read your entire post - you're a very good writer, or at least I can really get into it - and I truly empathize with what you're saying. Parts of it are just like me.
I'm sorry that you too had to go through such utter crap to be close to your family. I'm sorry that you have to watch other people move on and you feel stuck.
I cut for a while in my crappy marriage and all I can say is dont you do it - one day, things will be better. I promise. And then you'll have to look at your scars and remember when it wasnt. It will get better, though, I promise, but don't keep it inside!
((hugs))
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