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I'm a horrible wife
My husband and I have been having some issues for the past couple of months - some of my old posts somewhat explain what has been going on. I have what you'd call a "semi-happy" marriage. Seems very much like a partnership - we get along, laugh, don't fight, and have similar outlooks on what we want for the future. I know most people would be pretty happy with this.
However, it's a pretty unfulfilling relationship for me and something seems missing. I am continuing to work on myself and do things that interest me. There isn't a deeper emotional connection (I do have this with some girlfriends however, so I don't feel completely lonely) and I have almost zero sexual attraction to him (though he really is a decent looking guy). Sex isn't really good and is more like glorified masterb*tion, to be honest. I always think about other men. We kind of do our own separate thing and even when we are in the house together - he'll be downstairs watching football, I'll be upstairs reading.
I feel that maybe I am looking for too much out of marriage, and need to change my expectations. I do know however that my husband really does love me, and we have been working on things for the past several months. I am a little happier, but I think a lot of that is I am also changing my expectations. Also, I need to stop being so whiny and appreciate all that I have (a good, stable man that loves me, stable job, good friends, lovely house).
Sorry - rambling...the REAL reason I am writing is that I have now kissed FOUR other men since I have been married (first guy I kissed was back in Oct 2010 on a girls cruise)...two times I was completely drunk and do not remember. However, the other two times I was sober. And one of the guys - I kissed at WORK (he is a coworker - I have had a crush on him for over 3 years, but that makes the situation all that more weird).
I feel like a horrible person (I am) and need to get a grip. My husband deserves so much better. I do not know how I have let this happen at all, let alone more than once. I need a reality check.
Have others experienced this?
What is wrong with me?
Should I tell my husband, or is it best to not say anything to him about this since it will hurt him more?
What is this saying about my relationship?
We have been together for 6 years total (4 years dating; 2 years married) - is this the "seven-year itch"? How do I turn this around?
Sorry - I'm still a complete mess and I was hoping a lot of my relationship issues would be resolved by the time 2012 rolled around. I guess not. I'm just making a mess out of everything.
Re: I'm a horrible wife
It's obvious you've checked out of this marriage. Just because you're working on it doesn't mean that your marriage is guaranteed destined for perfect happiness and fulfillment. Even if your H is a great guy, it doesn't mean that you two are meant to be happy. HOWEVER, you need to make these decisions BEFORE pursuing emotional or physical relationships with other men. If your H is such a great guy, then he doesn't deserve this treatment. It sounds like he's working hard and it isn't fair that you're letting him go along with this perception while you're kissing other men.
Let him go; Let him find a woman who loves him and let yourself find a man you love.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Well if you want to turn it around, stopping kissing other people would be a good start.
But honestly I can't for the life of me figure out why you want to turn it around.You clearly aren't happy or satisfied with your relationship. You say you're working on it but what exactly does that mean? Have you actually changed anything?
I understand that marriage is a life-long commitment and I believe everyone should go into marriage intending for it to be. But I can't for the life of me understand the point of spending the one chance you get at life being unhappy. I mean sure at the end you get the distinction of a decades-long marriage but that doesn't seem like such a great thing if most of those years were unhappy.
Why do you want to make it work? Why do you want to be married to him?
If you can answer those questions with something other than "Because we're married" then that's a good start. Get into marriage counseling together and individual counseling for yourself ASAP. Start making the changes you need to make both of you happy together. Actively try to spend time together that you would normally spend separately. Have sex regularly even if at first you aren't always in the mood (ie the more you do it, the more you'll want to do it). Do something though. It isn't going to just suddenly become a good relationship. It takes work and effort from both of you.
I'm of the party that you should confess your cheating to him because I believe he should get to decide for himself if he wants to stay married to you but that's a decision only you can make and there are certainly arguments against it if you really intend to stop. I think you definitely need to seek some individual counseling though to figure out why you keep doing it if you're going to change it.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Thank you so much- I guess I failed to say that I am in individual counseling. I have been since August. My husband came to counseling a few times, but at the end of the day, I really need to make a decision if I want to stay or go. My husband is in this & committed. We have added back in date nights. We are taking the time to talk. We are having sex regularly (always have, about twice a week), because I know we still need to connect, even if we aren't "in the mood."
I have read almost every self-help book there is out there, about being happier with my life and happier with my marriage. I think I have a serious "grass is greener" complex.
I need to get a grip and STOP the nonsense with other people. I know that. It is just nice to feel wanted by someone you are sexually attracted to. I know I need to decide on what I want to do with my marriage and make that a priority. I have to stop the kissing - it's petty and ridiculous and unfair.
I don't take marriage lightly. My husband is a good man that loves me and it's by all accounts a 'good enough' marriage. I just don't know if I am being crazy and looking for something that is Perfect. As they say, perfect is the enemy of good enough.
Maybe I'm alone in this... but I'm pretty sure if you're not sexually attracted to your H, the marriage is over already. I don't think you can learn to be sexually attracted to someone who you already know. I think the only way sexual attraction grows is once you learn more about someone's personality. But you know all you need to know about your H at this point.
I think it's over. You just married the wrong person.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
If you were happy in your marriage, than that feeling of being wanted would come from your sexual relationship with your husband. It is unfair to him that you have been kissing other people. If you still feel unhappy in your marriage after working on it, and working on yourself, you need to leave. Give yourself a chance to be happy, give your husband the chance to be loved like he deserves.
You keep saying the marriage is good enough but is it really? Because it doesn't sound like it's good enough for you. And that's okay but if that is the case you really just need to let him go so you can both find something good.
My marriage isn't perfect but I also would never describe it as "good enough." There's a lot in between those two categories. "Good enough" isn't really all that good when you think about it.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
I know - and you guys are being very kind about all of this. I am MARRIED - all of this crap should have stopped LONG ago.
I know it's not OK - I just want to figure out what the heck is wrong with me and if there is anyone else out there who has dealt with this.
Well, it's good that you are in counseling, and trying to figure out "what's wrong with me". But honestly, if you are not sexually attracted to the man, I don't see how you can fix that. Like someone said before, it's not really something you can learn.
You clearly aren't happy in your marriage and you know it. You claim you're working on it, but just going to therapy or doing whatever it is you're doing isn't going to help things if you're not vested in it, and if you're sneaking around with other guys then you're not.
Stop lying to yourself and your husband. If you can actually define a reason why you want to stay in this marriage other than, "I should be happy" then you need to come clean with him, cut off the other guys, and buckle down to some serious work. By the way, that serious work can only happen after he also decides he wants to stay in a marriage with a woman who will kiss other men behind his back and blame it on being bored.
Your husband sounds like a good guy -- so set him free to be someone else's good guy.
While there is always a bit of settling when you settle down (I would love it if my FI were 6'4", but he isn't), you aren't supposed to just be satisfied with a roommate with benefits. Pull the trigger already. You are wasting his time.
You have a lot of work to do on yourself to figure out 1.) why you were willing to marry this man in the first place and 2.) why your feel the need to do immature things like kissing other men. You should stay in counseling after your divorce and NOT DATE for a year to hash these things out. Did you get married because "it was the next step" or social pressure? Did you kiss these other men because you were secretly hoping your husband would find out and divorce you -- doing all the dirty work so you didn't have to be the "bad" guy and break up with a "good" guy. Work it out on your own time so you aren't ping-ponging around the dating scene looking for just any guy who makes your girl parts tingle. That will just get you an STD and psycho reputation.
Thank you - I agree I have a lot of work to do on myself.
I married this man because he met the criteria I thought you were "supposed" to be looking for - smart, well-educated, good job, easy-going. I was also wasn't very confident and was doing things according to a master checklist I had in my head. This is the first guy I seriously dated after college. It was a very practical relationship and I never felt overly wanted during our dating (strictly saw each over 2x a week for two years; had to beg him to move in, etc - still hold some resentment towards that). I know a lot of people get married young and are very content, but it feels like I am having a mid-life crisis at 28.
I was not hoping my husband found out about this. I think I miss the feeling of truly being wanted/desired, and being extremely selffish. My husband is a very emotionally distant man and it's hard to feel close to him. Practicality always wins over romance/intimacy. It seems like a very sterile marriage in some ways.
I agree I have a lot to work out with myself, and that I am slowly working through in counseling. Just seems I need to get myself together and remember all of those dreams I threw out at a young age.
THanks so much for the comments thus far. Seems so many people "get" my issue without all of the background.
You sound very unhappy. Just because someone is right on paper doesn't mean they are right for you. I dated plenty of "on paper" guys and sometimes I even deluded myself that I could be okay with good enough.
I am glad you realize now that good enough won't fulfill you.
I wish you clarity as you resolve this--you deserve to be happy.
I do not have a perfect marriage, but when I see my DH getting out of the shower in the morning, I feel that attraction even though it's 6 a.m. and I'm exhausted and if he asked me to have sex in that moment, the answer would be no. He's the first person I want to call if something good happens or if something bad happens.
I am not telling you this to brag, but instead to tell you to get on with your life and find someone you can be happy with and swoon over.
a lot of what your wrote sounds like exactly how i was feeling.
i had some checkilist of things that i thought were important at the time and he met them, he was my most serious relationship (we dated for about 6 years, married for 4). we didn't see each other all that often since a lot of time sit was long distance or i was away for the military.
we were not mentally or educationally compatable and had few of the same interests. i thought we had the same lookout on life and marriage, but we really didn't. i wanted more of a partner. he just wanted someone who was going to take care of him. he wanted to come home from work, wolf down the meal that took me hours to prepare (after i already worked 9 hours that day), he'd shovel int he food in less than 5 minutes, then disappear down stairs to watch TV or play PS3. so i hid upstairs reading.
i was not attracted to him at all, i didn't ever want to have sex with him but forced myself to because i thought that might help and i was trying to make things work. i didn't feel desired or wanted by him, but felt like something he could use for his pleasure. i always said "well he loves me" but looking back i am not sure he really did. i think he just loved his standard of living. he'd occassionally do nice things, but a lot of times he was a jerk, he was a jerk to my friends...and i don't think i ever felt appreciated.
i too wanted to feel desired by someone i was attracted to and eventually got the courage to end the marriage because i knew there was no way i could do that for the rest of my life. It took meeting the right person to show me that i wasn't imagining or exaggerating the how bad my marriage was.
i used to love to be away on travel for work, i didn't want to come home from iraq, i took vacations with out DH, i wanted to be away from him....i should have seen the light long before. i never used to understand women who were sad and lonely when their DH's were away...well i do now. i thought people who were "super happy and so in love with their DH's" had to be lying or faking it for the public...i was wrong, it is out there, i'm still surprised and amazed every day by finding someone who does make me feel that way, even when we have disagreements.
sometimes it's not a case of the grass is greener...sometimes, you just really are with the wrong person.
the decision to get divorced was the hardest part for me, i felt bad because i was effectively making him start over (i got pretty much everything), he had to relocate, i felt bad because he had everything he wanted and i was taking that away, i felt like i was failing because i couldn't and would no longer try to make my marriage work, and "why couldn't i just be happy" he would tell me "any other women would love to have me", also the cost of divorce had me worried, i figured he would be vidictive and try to take everything i had bought and paid for (he paid for nothing but his truck and boat)
i wouldn't beat yourself up about kissing other guys, we are all human, we are subject to temptation, we make mistakes.
my mistake was getting married in the first place when i knew i shouldn't. then not ending it before i got 4 years into it. i look at all that time i wasted. but the bonus is i learned a lot from the experience and it made me a better person.
This has been going on for more than a couple of months- haven't you been posting about issues with him for a year?
You just need to end it. You've clearly checked out, and to continue leading your husband to believe there's hope for this marriage is cruel. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but dragging this out is certainly not going to lessen the pain.
I'm assuming your question is in reference to your kissing other men. It depends- if you decide to leave him, I don't think you should tell him. At this point, it would accomplish nothing but causing him even more pain. If for some reason you do decide to stay and put in a genuine effort toward working on your marriage, you need to tell him so he can decide if he can forgive you and move forward.
a. how would you feel if he did that to you
b. Its okay to part and you each go about your respective lives. No one has to be the bad guy. You tried and its not working
c. call a lawyer and find out the cheapest easy way to terminate the marriage
I love my STBX dearly. It hurts me so much the amount I love him, however we are just not able to live together. We have different ideas of what a partnership is, marriage is, teamwork is. Different financial goals, work ethics etc. The ONLY thing we pretty much agree on is how to raise our children.
We have been together for 13 years. Married for 8. It KILLS me to be the one to have to "hurt" him, but in the long run I know it's best for him, me and our children.
Stop being selfish. You have checked out of this marriage. It's ok to love someone but want more in a relationship. It's not saying he didn't give you anything, it's saying he is unable to give you what you need and what he has to offer isn't what you are seeking. That doesn't make you a bad person or him a bad guy...it just makes it an unsatisfying relationship that will eventually lead you both down the path of hurt feelings, resentment, bad decision etc. do yourself a favor, him a favor and get out now before it's too late and there are many more hurt feeling involved, or children.
If you had a good marriage, you wouldn't be kissing other men.
Quite talking and start walking. You are the bad guy right now. You are stringing him along and cheating on him. If a wife came and posted that her husband had done the things you are admitting to, we'd tell her to get the hell out and don't look back.
He deserves to know. Tell him.
And get out if you're not happy. Let yourselves find happiness even if that's not with each other.