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Sad, family drama (long)
Tman is going to be baptized this Sunday. We don't baptize babies at our church, we wait until they make a decision and want to be baptized.
My parents are divorced. My mom has been re-married for at least 20 years, maybe close to 25...I was young and they went to the JIP so I'm not exactly sure when my mom married my step dad My mom and dad STILL cannot be civil to each other. They don't fight, but there is eye rolling, blatant avoidance, etc. It's obvious and stressful.
After Tman was born, I told them that there were going to be things with their grandson (all the other grandkids are out of state) that they were going to have to suck it up for if they wanted to be part of the big things that happen to him.
So, of course I invited them both to his baptism. My mom asked if we'd like to have lunch afterwards. I thought about it and talked to James. My parents are both coming from quite a ways away and I didn't want to have either of them come to the baptism and then just be like, "thanks for coming. see ya."
So, I sent this email to my dad and a similar one to my mom:
Mom has asked if we'd like to have lunch with her and step-dadafter church. With you coming down as well (hopefully), we have decided that we (James, Tman and me) are going to lunch after church to celebrate Tman's decision. I don't know where yet. You are invited and mom and step-dad are invited, too. I am not going to try to decide who we are having lunch with and I will not deal with any drama, dirty looks, eye rolling, or immature behavior. I am not accusing, I'm just telling you in advance. When I was growing up, it was DUMB that I had to decide who to spend occasions with or split them up, and I will not subject Tman to that with his grandparents. So, that's the scoop. I sent mom the same email.
Now my dad isn't sure that he's going to come at all because he says that I've given such warnings before and that there has still been said immature behavior. I told him that I hope that he will come to the baptism even if he doesn't think it's a good idea to come to lunch afterwards. He said he wasn't sure and that he'd need to think on it.
It makes me SO SAD that my parents would even consider missing out on important things in Tman's life because they cannot GROW UP or pretend to grow up for a few hours.
Maybe my email was more accusatory than I wanted it to be and than it should have been, but I just hate this. I'm so tired of having to choose.
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Re: Sad, family drama (long)
Congrats to Tman on his upcoming baptism!
I hope your parents get over themselves and their drama sooner rather than later, so they stop missing Tman's big moments. I think the email was a good idea, and it probably did help to keep drama away from Tman on his special day.
Tman is lucky to have you and your H as such amazing and supportive parents
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Ugh!! I'm so sorry BabyA! We have some similarly immature behavior in some of my family and it makes everything so much more stressful and drama-ridden than it should ever have to be. I don't think your email was accusing at all - their behavior is NOT your problem and you should not have to take the brunt of it. All you can really do in these situations is set clear boundaries, and it sounds like you've done a good job of it. It's really sad when adults cannot be adults, especially for the sake of a grandchild. Good grief.
Regardless, congrats on Tman's baptism! I hope it ends up being a positive experience and a wonderful memory for you, yh and Tman!
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Good for you for being up front about the issue. I really can't stand when adults can't get along. I can't imagine holding a grudge for 20-25 years with an ex, that seems like a lot of wasted effort and energy.
I hope your father realizes he's missing out on important events by playing childish games.
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My parents had a super-bitter divorce that took 2 years from the time I was 7 until 9. They could not be civil to each other until the time my brother almost died, and then they actually managed to sit in the same small dining room at his apartment for over an hour while they swapped who was staying at his place to help him in his recovery. They pretty much avoided each other at my brother's wedding and at mine, but when they did have to interact, they were finally polite if cold. It's been over 25 years and my mother still cannot get over holding a grudge against my dad, even though she's been married at least 15 of it! So I understand, as well.
I think you did right sending them an email, even if you didn't maybe use the best phrasing, as you need to set boundaries and expectations and remind them this event is in celebration of T-man and their behavior has no place at it.
I'm sorry.
It's allways this really weird feeling when you realize you are more mature than the people who are more adult than you. At least for me.
I don't think your email was too preemptively harsh. It laid out the terms and it's up to them whether they want to agree to it or not. And like KST said, it should be for the celebration of your son and not an extension of their feud.
Good luck and I hope the day goes really well.
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Like a lot of others have said, I think it was great that you sent the email to set the boundaries. It's really sad that they can't pretend to be civil long enough to celebrate your son's decision!
It sounds very similar to some drama in my family (my mom and her sister), and when my wedding came around, we set clear boundaries that any bratty stuff would get them asked to leave. In the end, everyone was able to pretend to grow up for an afternoon. Hopefully the same can happen with your parents. Good luck!
I know I'm late in the game but I'm really sorry that it's been soo long and they still act like that.
I wonder why, as grown adults, they can't just suck it up and be civil. Makes me think they are still in love..
Either way, I hope you don't stress yourself out too much about this. It isn't fair for you to have to carry the weight of all that. It is a good day and Tman should celebrate with whoever is going to support him and realize that this occasion is for him and not about them.
I know that is all easier said than done but seriously, try to not think about it. If your dad doesn't show, shame on him.