Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
If not good on paper then what?
I see a common theme with unhappy marriages. Young girls marrying the so call safe "good on paper" guy thinking this is happily ever after.
Makes me question - What should one strive for in choosing a mate in addition to or in lieu of "good on paper"?
Thanks!
Re: If not good on paper then what?
Everything needs to be good on paper, but they also need to be the right person. You need to feel a connection to each other, as well as them being a nice, decent person, an equal contributor, and no weird mommy issues.
Edit:
Basically what I was trying to say is: It takes two healthy, happy, whole people to make a relationship work, at bare minimum.
For a relationship to thrive and last, they need to be someone, with whom you share a spiritual/emotional, mental, and physical connection.
I think knowing yourself and what you expect out of the relationship is far more important than the resume.
If you don't know what position you are filling it doesn't matter what the experience your partner has. I now know I need someone who is organized, driven, loves spending time with family and can compromise on everything. I take no crap and don't put up with stuff anymore either.
I also know that I can give someone unconditional love, the ability to listen to them no matter what, sarcasm and adventure.
So, it doesn't really matter what's on the paper it matters what the position requires and I don't think you can really know what it requires until you really know yourself. I didn't know myself when I got married.
This was like my situation with my XH. Everything on paper would say he was the perfect man but in addition you need so many other factors including chemistry and communication.
I like what the PP said about knowing yourself and what you want.
I agree with PP. I know a lot of guys (and girls) who look great on paper, and, hell, are even great people beyond that. But it's all about chemistry and communication. I just don't feel IT with those people, you know?
There has to be a connection. You should never marry someone because they are clearly a great guy if you aren't in love with him, because then you're just going to end up hurting that really great guy when you realize that you don't have that connection.
Very well said. ITA.
Well, I'm definitely one of those posters!!! Being one of those people who married "great on paper" and met my husband when I was 22, there are a couple of things I think you need before making a lifelong commitment:
1.) (I think this is the biggest) - Know yourself and be comfortable being by yourself. Know what you want out of your life and what you are looking for out of marriage. Different people need very different things - some people view marriage as a means to raise children together. Some people truly want a life partner and need that passionate soul-filling love.
2.) Chemistry/sexual attraction/passion/romance - You don't have to marry the hottest man you have ever met (but I'm sure no one would complain if they did!), but ever so often you really have to want to take your spouse to bed. He needs to make you feel sexy and desirable. You both need to be willing to be a little adventurous and take care of each others sexual needs.
3.) Communication/Listening - it's important to keep sharing your life dreams, goals, passion. If all you talk about are the chores around the house and bills, you aren't getting to know the REAL person and you lose touch along the way. You need to communicate and learn to both grow. You need to communicate on that deeper level.
4.) Some level of selflessness-Someone looking for the happiness of BOTH people in the relationship, not just their own. You have to find ways to function as a unit and still maintain your individuality. Surprise each other with things you know your partner likes.