Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Suicidal drunk father
I'll try to make this short, my father has been a drunk my entire life. At 3 months old he sent my mom packing without a dime and 2 children. He was given visitation and was ordered to pay child support which he did neither. At age 15 when the state came after him for back child support he actually forced me to get a blood test to prove I was his. My older brother ended up living with him in his teenage years but I kept my distance as much as possible. My brother passed away in 2007 in a car accident and I have been raising his daughter ever since. She was 5 when he died so she knows he's gone and she misses him very much. My father lives 3 hours away and my niece still spends time with family there so he's run into her over the last few years. Last summer he saw her at a restaurant and decided to pull out drunken pictures of himself dressed as a woman to show her. This was my last straw and I haven't allowed him to see her since. He never put any effort into seeing her to begin with but now i receive harrassing texts and emails about how horrible I am for keeping her from him. He likes to tell me I am driving him to suicide. He also likes to quote the 10 commandments to me, his favorite, Honor thy Father!! seriously! How am I suppose to react to this? Last night around midnight I was receiving more threatening text messages. He's also been ranting about me on FB saying how he lost his son and now his only daughter is ripping his grandbaby away from him. Wow! I don't think anyone can throw a bigger pitty party than this guy. I know that he is narcassistic so I have no clue what to do to get him to leave me alone. Has anyone else dealt with someone so ridiculous?
Re: Suicidal drunk father
What would have helped you as teens: Alateen --- and what will definitely help you now: Alanon and Adult Children of Alcoholics.
You need to make sure he stays out of your life. And if he contacts you, don't hollaback.
I also think that those "drunken" photos of him were taken while he was not under the influence...and he's a transvestite. Sorry.:(
Please keep an eye on the harassing texts-- you need to protect your safety and the kiddo's safety -- and if in doubt, see the police and get a restraining order out against him.
Report his FB page --- this is deleterious activity. Perhaps FB can ban him. What he is saying may be against the FB rules and besides, even if it's not, why should you have sh!t like that out in the open about you???:(
Get your cell phone number changed -- this way he cannot contact you --- there is no reason FOR him to be in contact with you. Ditto for your email addy -- change it and do not give it to him. (In the meanwhile, print out all of the emails that may be threatening or dangerous and keep them as evidence just in case)
How to react to the honor thy father drivel? Very simple: ignore it and don't let him guilt trip you.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
Everybody's got somebody in their life that they don't want some babbler mouth to blabber about. It happens. Sometimes its even a father. And you can say it "s ome guy" or a weirdo without needing detail. its just a blcok how much detail does the guy need?
You are doing the right thing. He's just proving that over and over with his rants. Not exactly building a case for himself for access to a minor.
Is there a need to go into detail at work about the situation?Just ask to have the phone number changed, and simply reply with, "It's a personal situation. Can you please change it?" if asked. If you really must reveal why you want a new number, ditto PP about just saying that "someone" is calling you and you'd prefer them not to contact you anymore. If the guy at work just won't do it without your whole life story, then I'd go to HR and (without getting into detail) say that you have a personal situation and you need a new number.
As for your dad, ignore him. He's doing all this to get a rise out of you. Don't give him the satisfaction of a response. He's threatening to harm himself because he wants to guilt you into contacting him. It's more than likely just a manipulation ploy ... but please realize that anything he does to himself is because of HIS issues. It's not because of you. There's nothing you can do to make him better. You need to keep him far, far away from you and your niece.
Block anything on FB that you don't want to see. Report things on FB if need be. Print out any threatening texts or e-mails. If your dad is harassing you in person, then I'd go to the police with those printouts (and written records of any time he's tried to harass you in person) and ask about a restraining order.
If you have legal custody of your niece, then I'd consult your lawyer about how to keep your dad away from her.
Change your phone and email; and if he threatens suicide, call the police and report his threat and his location. He's mentally ill, and an alcoholic.
Write back - - I honor my Father who art in Heaven. The one who will never forsake me or leave me -
If you believe in Christ... But that might just pour more fuel on the fire.
Change your number.
You can definitely block him from your phone if you feel like changing your number would cause too many professional issues. You could just tell the blabbermouth that it is someone who continually gets the wrong number and you are sick of it.
there's no need to give blabbermouth a reason 'please block this number'. if he asks why 'i dont want to go into it, please block it for me'.
block him on FB, report his posts etc...that's really allt aht you can do on there. you can't stop him from telling people things-he's allowed to do that as bad as it is. what you can do is remember that other people know how he is as well. its' doubtful they believe him or anything he says about you.
Great advice given already.
Only thing I can add is that if he threatens suicide you can have him committed. My father is also a suicidal alcoholic, and he was drunk one afternoon threatening to kill himself. His gf called the cops and he was committed for 3 nights. He had to have lots of therapy, and he couldn't drink in there.
I never knew it was an option, or I would have called the cops when he threatened suicide before.
I'm so sorry about your brother and that you're having to deal with your father's insanity.
I also recommend Al-anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics. You'll probably meet someone there with similar experience who can give you specific advice. At any rate, you owe it to your neice to keep her as far away from him as possible.
His threats sound pretty hollow, but you never know. Regardless, this is not your problem. All active alcoholics are committing suicide either quickly or slowly. You can't make him want to get sober. If you want to assuage any guilt you may have, tell him you and your family will have no contact with him whatsoever until he has been sober for 6 or 12 months, or whatever time feels most appropriate to you - and stick to it. Then the ball will be in his court. He can choose to die alone of his disease, never knowing his grandchildren, or he can chose to get healthy and try to mend all the relationships he has destroyed.
Either way, there's absolutely nothing you can do for him right now. This is his disease, not yours.
Late reply, but with my dad the therapy helped for a week or so. He was rediculously mad at the gf for calling the cops. They have since broken up, and he is doing pretty good right now. He is back with his wife, and seems to be sober. As with anything with my dad, I know this is short lived, and it is only a matter of time before something else big happens. In his head he is the victim and holds no responsibility. Untill that changes, his life will stay the same roller coaster it is.
I guess my advice would be to only call the cops if you think the threat is serious, it is likely that he will lash out at you for calling. Best of luck to you in this crappy situation.
If you can get an RO, there will be serious consequences if he continues to harass you after you've gone to the police.
Block him or change your number. Block him in facebook.
Al-Anon.
If he's going to kill himself, there is nothing you can do about it.
IMO, stand strong and stop being afraid of what he may or may not do. He only has power if you give him power. You have many more important things to deal with; a loving family, a stable home life, etc.
Protect yourself based on the advice given in the PP and get on with life.
Wow, thats some serious stuff.
First I would ask if you are in counseling, because if you're not you should check it out. A good counselor can help you to develop coping skills for the manipulative, toxic relationship you have with your father. My heart goes out to you.
Your father doesn't sound suicidal to me, threatening suicide is not suicidal, it's manipulation, control and deceit. It's an act of desperation because he has absolutly no clue how to be a functional person, never mind have a functional conversation, let alone relationship of any kind.
I would continue to keep your niece away from him. He sounds like until he gets help and changes, not only can he not have the power to affect your life, but he can't have the power to affect hers either.
You go girl, there are a lot of resources out there, I hope you take advantage of them all, keep your head up and get a restraining order. Maybe change your number. It's one thing when a family member is hurting themselves, it's a complete different thing when they're hurting you and others.
And don't even try to rationalize with him, that honor thy father crap, that irrational manipulation, spiritual materialization used for personal gain. Above all - There is no rationalizing with an irrational person.
Stay strong