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Feeling horrible.
Dh and I have been married for 5 years. We've been in counseling 2. The counseling has fixed some of our problems, like we communicate more. But, I still just don't feel "it". I don't feel attracted to my dh and when we have sex (rarely) it's more like I'm just using his body parts to feel good, it's not a sexual connection. I just have this feeling that if I were in a meant-to-be relationship, I would feel satisfied and fulfilled and think "Oh, so this is what a marriage is supposed to feel like!".
All that being said, I feel stuck. I'm 31, almost 32, which I feel is too late to start over, find someone, get married and have kids. Things aren't that bad. We have a good life together, he treats me well, he loves me, we laugh together, we hang out together, etc. I just don't feel in love and I rarely say "I love you" because it's hard for me to say. I've also been in individual counseling and she kind of got me to the point of being okay with settling because I don't want to leave. I don't know why I can't just be happy and fulfilled with what I have.
Re: Feeling horrible.
My Lunch Blog
It sounds like you have tried to be happy for two years and it isn?t working. You ARE young enough to start over. 31/32 isn?t that old and do you really want to be trapped with this man for the next 20 years? Bringing children into this will only make things harder. It highlights both your relationship?s shortcomings and your husband?s weaknesses/incompatibilities.
I say since you tried really hard for 2 years and STILL aren?t happy, get out while the getting is good! Otherwise, you might need the Blended Family board on thebump.com to deal with your baby daddy and blended family issues. Trust me, they are NOT fun!
If you aren't happy now then don't pretend to be. But honestly, do you really expect marriage to be a wakeupeverydaythankgingtheluckystarsyouaremarried?
It's work. It takes falling in and out of love, it's finding the things that do make you happy.
As for the sex part, well often times if you force yourself to have sex more often you will want to have sex more often and find that physical spark again.
However, you are not to old to "settle", nor are you too old to start over. You are in your young 30's for petes sake. Your not 70.
F you.
We're kind of going out.
Agreed (coming from a mother of 2 going through a nasty divorce at the age of 33).
Get out now and DON'T have kids unless you are 100% committed to making the marriage work and being ok with who your husband is. If you think you are unhappy now and "stuck" wait until you have mouths to feed and little ones clinging to your legs.
I'm in the exact same position as you, so I can relate....
You feel like you SHOULD be happy - but honestly, your just are not. You feel that you are upset by "petty" things. Something is missing. Your marriage sounds very much like mine. I would describe mine as a semi-happy marriage (this is described in Pamela Haag's book - marriage confidential) - low conflict, low passion, and low satisfaction. She says this leads to the lion's share of divorces every year.
There is nothing really 'wrong' but it feels like something is missing. You feel lonely. You are married to a good, honest man, and you don't want to make a mistake by leaving for something unknown and dealing with the dating scene again. What if you never meet anyone else? What if the issue is you are caught up in the "grass is greener' problem? Do you want to deal with other ex-wives/step-children (very real situations to consider)? I question this all the time...
But - there is something missing - you've tried, but you fear that you're in the wrong marriage, however wonderful your spouse may be.
If you figure it out - let me know. I'm here if you ever want to talk.
You need a different therapist. What if you were sick? Wouldn't you want your doctors to get you all the way healthy, or would you be okay if they got you to the point of not dying? That's ridiculous.
Also, do you not think that your husband realizes that your marriage is not truly happy?
If there's nothing more that either or both of you can do to change that fact even though you've tried with counseling, divorce him so he can find someone who will be happy with him, and you do the same.
And for Pete's sake, don't have kids with someone just because you want kids. Do you really want them growing up thinking that living with someone, you just don't hate is a healthy marriage?
Ugh, right? I didn't realize I needed a walker and cane at my old, decrepit age.
Why in God's name does everyone think 30-32 is so freaking old? Newsflash, you will likely still be able to have kids for quite a few years. So don't stay in a marriage that doesn't make you happy just so you can stay on some timeline and pop out kids with someone that doesn't make you happy.
And seriously. You and I are the same age. We are not old, and certainly not too old to start over.
You stupid, spoiled, selfish little cow. I can't believe you'd be such a total kvnt, and deny your H the chance to possibly find someone who might actually love him. It's no wonder your marriage has failed, you only think about yourself and what you want.
I can't imagine what it must be like to be married to someone who didn't love me. I'd only hope that if I were in your husbands place, that my DH would have the balls to divorce me and let me have a real chance at happiness.
I actually hate that I'm about to say this, but I feel sorry for your husband.
Woah. I think that was a little harsh.
OP - I know it's hard and scary, but do you want to live the next 40+ years of your life like this?
How do you think things will be if you bring children into the situation? Have you guys done marriage counseling? What are you doing outside of your marriage to make you happy?
I'm not telling you to stay or go, but I am asking questions that hopefully help you decide. Good luck.
We can live in one together bowies - I'm 33!!! and a divorcee
Seems like you pop up here about once a year or so asking what to do about your marriage, and yet since 2009 you've done...well...nothing.
And, I agree with the poster who said you're being incredibly selfish here. You're not in love with your H. You two are in marriage counseling and I'd bet he's there thinking the goal is a stronger, better, more committed marriage and you're there learning how to cope with being married to somebody you don't want to be with. You must see how selfish that is of you.
You might struggle to find somebody to be with, if you divorce your H, but it will have nothing to do with your age.
This exactly. Don't procreate with someone you don't want to be stuck dealing with forever.
Oh I want in! My 33 year old, almost divorced mother of 2 could really use some help with my sponge bath. My 2.5 year old doesn't get in between my crusty toes well enough....
My 36 year old self initially cringed at your contention that 31/32 is too old to start over, but then I thought back to when I was 31 and the man I thought I would spend my life with decided he wasn't in love anymore. I thought it too. "It will take time to date and find someone, then we have to date for a while before we get engaged right? Then we have to take a year to plan a wedding because reception places fill up quick, and well then you don't want to have kids RIGHT AWAY right, my eggs will get old, I will need fertility blah blah blah".
Don't let being a slave to the bio clock or your "life plan" trick you into staying miserable. When I look around me at all my friends that are separated and divorced now, I would say largely the root cause was that they got married because everyone else was doing it and the person they were with was "good enough". Then they had kids because, well, they had planned on having kids when they were 30. But none of this will bring passion into a relationship that has none and whatever problems exist will only exacerbate. Trust me, you would rather be a mother a few years later than you "planned", than be a stuck, unhappy younger one. Do both of you a favor and end it, you both deserve more.
Harsh, yes
The truth that needed to be told, absolutuely.
Listen, OP keeping your husband in this marriage because he is better than nothing is incredidibly cruel. Let the poor man go so that he can be with someone who truly loves and appreciates him and before you end up leaving him for someone else.