Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Is it cheating? How can I trust??
My husband, whom is 11 years younger than myself has recently started to make a drastic change in personality. My once caring, thoughtful and honest husband, has become aloof, selfish and not so honest about things that I think are serious. He works with about 5 different women, I have become friends with one of them, another is happily married and I know I have nothing to fear from her and another is almost 60 years old, however, we have one of the girls that works with him that is a cute little 28 year old, younger than my hubby by 7 years and this person has become a serious concern for me. Hubby has recently been caught texting and carrying on with another women and that had since ended. I was keeping track of his messages an knew that was over. Then low and behold here comes little miss 28 year old texting back and forth with him while they are at work, not just a few like 250-300 texts in like 8 hours. I ask why he doesn't text me and talk to me while he has the chance and he always has an excuse that he was too busy but as I look at our phone bills I see that during those times he was texting with her. I have been married previously and my ex husband did this type of thing out in the open with no cares but he was also physically abusive so I ended that marriage after 18 years. I love my husband and want out marriage to work but I can't understand and don't feel like this is a good thing for us and talking to him about it just makes him angry and he gets mad at me for checking up on him, but he isn't being honest and trustworthy, so why would I? He never used to lie and this is something that I find is happening often? Do you think he is bored with me, my age, or am I just over reacting? Any help, thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated because I love my husband and want my marriage to overcome this. Thanks!
Re: Is it cheating? How can I trust??
It takes two to make a marriage work, and if your hubby has a piece on the side, he ptobably doesn't care much about staying married. You can suggest counseling, but if hedoesn't want to go, your marriage is toast.
Time to lawyer up.
All of this x1000000000.
And it's a shame you're looking at this as how your age must be boring him. If he's carrying on an affair, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Don't try to place blame on yourself.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
My first husband did this same thing while I was pregnant with our son, and it turned into an affair. He denied it for a long time and told me I was "crazy" and "untrusting." We ended up divorcing and he is now married to her. Much later, he confirmed that they were having an affair and has since made a lot of apologies.
If your H isn't already having an affair, he's well on his way. You do not deserve this behavior, and if he insists on continuing it, you have every reason in the world to leave. I suggest seeking counseling, even if he won't go with you. There are reasons that you choose men that treat you this way, and at the very least you can make some healthy changes for yourself. You can't control his behavior, but you can choose your response to it.
The bottom line is that no one deserves to be treated this way. Whether you allow it to continue is ultimately your decision. I wish you the best of luck!
I agree that what he's doing is totally inappropriate. Texting is relatively new, so I can see how some people can take texting far and not realize that they're being inappropriate.
I don't think you need to immediately sever ties with your husband. But I do think you need to talk to him and tell him that he's being inappropriate. If he gets mad and accuse you of not trusting him, then you know that you can't trust him.
This is not cheating. I'm not saying that he isn't cheating on you, but I am saying that texting a girl is not cheating. I would be mad too if someone was reading my text messages. You need to have a calm, relaxed, no pressure conversation with him about this, and just state it makes me uncomfortable that you text this girl so much. It makes me afraid that there may be more than I see to it and if Im wrong that this makes me anxious enough to be doing things like reading through your messages. I would like us to work this out and would appreciate if we could discuss this.
If anyone begins to raise their voice in the slightest fashion, leave the room and resume the conversation later. Until you talk with him, you will not be able to get anything off your mind.
The whole part about him getting defensive about it is a major red flag. People typically go one of two routes if they're cheating: 1) Get overly-sweet and caring, give lots of gifts, want more sexual interaction with you, etc., or 2) Get offish, never want to make love, sleep in separate rooms, keep secrets, get defensive when they are confronted or accuse you of being insecure, etc.
That many texts with another woman, while having no contact with you, is the biggest red flag of all. While there may not be any physical cheating involved, there is no need to be talking to another woman constantly throughout the day via text, especially if they are in the same office. It signals they are discussing something shouldn't be and don't want their co-workers to know about either (i.e. "sexting"). It could be purely emotional cheating and he just digs getting the attention... but that is still cheating.
Generally, men will cheat because either: A) they are bored/unhappy at home,
for the thrill of doing something bad and getting away with it, or C) because they are insecure and it makes them feel more attractive, wanted, or more like a man (it could even be a combination of any of the above). Does that make it right? No. Is it your fault? No.
That doesn't necessarily mean that you are doing everything you could to keep him happy, but it certainly doesn't mean you are not either. There is no legitimate excuse for him to cheat, so don't blame yourself for his lack of morals/ concern for your marriage.
The majority of men are on a different level than women when it comes to sex. They can typically have no emotional ties to the act itself, and even if they truly care about their marriage, will probably still do it if they feel they won't get caught and are tempted enough. There are still a lot of men out there that won't risk their marriage and take into consideration what it will do to their spouse and won't risk that.
You can sit around and wonder why he's doing it, what all he is actually doing, how to catch him, or what you're doing wrong all day and it would get you nowhere. Everything has a way of coming to the light in time. My advice is to approach him (in a non-confrontational manner), explain to him you know what is going on and how it makes you feel, and you want to know where he stands with your marriage, and what he plans to do to make it work. Ask him if he is no longer happy or if he feels he is not getting enough attention from you anymore, and what he plans on doing to show you he still wants your marriage to work. Have a true heart-to-heart and don't accuse or raise your voice because it will only push him away more.
If, after your conversation, he refuses to let you see his phone when you ask, he deletes his messages, changes passwords, still keeps secrets, then he doesn't have the same outlook on your marriage as you. I'm not saying constantly be a P.I., but it will tell you a lot if he still gets defensive or hides these things.
If he wants your marriage to work, he will do whatever it takes to make it happen. Someone very close to me recently had an affair on her husband with a co-worker. She told him about it later on, and he made a list of his needs for her to make their marriage work. She changed her phone number, changed her job, and has no secrets from him anymore. Their marriage is going great now and he is quickly learning he can trust her again.
It seems like you truly value your marriage and want to make it work. Don't hold on to something that is one sided, though, because you will have nothing but pain and regret for wasting your time in the end. He will do whatever it takes to show you he wants to be with you and that you can trust him if he wants this marriage to work as much as you do. You can't make anyone love you more or want things to work, and you certainly don't want to live your life playing detective or being unhappy.
I have a lot more I want to add, but this has gotten really long already. If you want someone to talk to, feel free to private message me. I have been in your position and I've been there for many of my friends and family during difficult times like this as well. I know that there are a billion things going through your head (like why he's doing it, what he's done, if he's actually cheating b/c there is no hardcore evidence, if it's your fault, if he's not attracted to you anymore, etc.). It is completely normal to be confused or want to still hold onto your marriage. After all, you were expecting him to hold up on his end of the vows too and your marriage to last 'til death do you part. If you end up trying to work things out, don't let your family or friends know what happened. They will only pressure you to make the decision they want you to make. You have to do what you feel in your heart. Take care, hun, and God bless.
At this point the affair question is irrelevant. The more important issue here is the lack of trust, and trust is what a healthy relationship has to be built on.
You wanting the marriage to work isn't enough, you need his involvement too. I agree with the poster who said it's time to lawyer up.
Eleanor Gwendolyn