Starting Over
sweetsurrender9
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
So lost...
Thank you all for your advice. I'm just a little wary of all of that specificity on the internet, so I'm DDing, as I mentioned I might.
Re: So lost...
There are regulars on here who will say this so much better than I can, but why would you want to stay with someone who makes you feel so much doubt, and who seems to have checked out of the marriage? The one person who is supposed to always have your back is carrying on with someone behind yours.
Get yourself into counseling, you need to build up your sense of worth and self respect. He is blatantly carrying on with his text "friend" with zero regard for you, and it could be more than just texting. I'm not trying to be harsh but I see in your signature you have been TTC. I urge you to PLEASE put that on hold. Having a baby will not make him stop. Really, what did you ever do in your life to deserve being treated like this, and do you want this treatment to trickle down to your child/children? I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds very painful.
That's been on hold. For a while now, to be honest. I just haven't changed my siggy yet. I guess I'm waiting until... oh, heck, I don't know what I'm waiting for.
And thank you for your thoughts. You're right, and it's what I've been telling myself. Sometimes it's easier than others to listen to what I know and actually apply it.
I know you're afraid to end this relationship and start over. It's not easy, it will be tough, but Lord, every day you're away from this azzhole, you'll be thankful. He bought divorce paper/stationary JUST IN CASE!?!? THAT, alone, is reason to leave. You should never put yourself in the position of basically having to beg someone to stay with you--or at least, have him stay with you in a condescending way.
If he loves this other girl (and it sounds like he does--or a least has a big thing for her), it will hurt and you'll feel rejected, but you know what----you deserve more. You need to convince yourself of that, I can tell by your post that you feel like, deep down, this is all you deserve. It's not. Get out and make him HER problem now.
He's selfish, doesn't respect you, and I'm sorry the buying of the divorce stationary is the DEALBREAKER for me.
I actually posted over there at the same time I posted here. My plan is to start the 180 tomorrow. I explained to him today that I'm interested in working on this if he is, but that there's going to have to be some come-to-Jesus moment about the other woman. He said that he thinks he's interested, too, but needs some time to consider. If he can't give me a definite yes, then I can't give him my undivided attention.
I suggested counseling, which we've done before, and he doesn't seem inclined to go along with it at this point. That's fine. I'm calling Tuesday to make an appointment for individual counseling. I need to work on me before I can work on this relationship anyway -- I can't figure out why I keep letting myself get railroaded like this.
Thank you for the suggestion and the support. I really appreciate it.
He has completely checked out of the relationship. If he is texting a girl, that was a problem in the past...and through therapy made a decision to stop texting her to help your marriage...then started texting her again, he clearly isn't thinking about you or your marriage.
I know it is scary to think about divorce. I delayed my divorce for a LONG time, we are talking over a year because every time I thought about divorcing my XH I thought I was going to collapse. I walked through those doors, got a divorce, and cried...but I didn't collapse!
You will get through this! He isn't invested in this marriage. You deserve someone who is committed to you 100% ALL OF THE TIME!
Buying divorce stationary?! Absolutely ridiculous on his part. Let him be with that other girl, you deserve better.
This is the third relationship that has come to this. The first two, I got left for the other person. This time, I really have gotten convinced that it's never going to get better, that I'm always going to be left, and that I don't deserve anything different. You've hit the nail on the head. As I said above, I'm calling about individual therapy next week. I'm worth more than letting myself continually be cheated on.
Yeah, no one buys divorce papers just in case. He is blatently disrespecting you, and you should not by any means have to put up with it. If he agreed to cut off contact two years ago and is now back to his old tricks, that is basically him saying he doesn't care about your marriage - I'm sorry, I know that's hard to hear.
I second the PP who suggested individual counseling for you. From your OP it sounds like you're not quite ready to give up, but I think you are going to have to harden up a bit because from what you wrote, he's done.
I know this is hard right now, but I'd bet a lot of money that life will be a million times better for you once you're not with this guy (I couldn't even bring myself to type "man" there because any man worth his salt would not do this to his wife).
*ETA: didn't see you were lining up individual counseling. Good for you.
This is why I think individual counseling will work for you in the long run----you have to realize these qualities in a man when you meet him. Now, I know that there are some guys that check out/cheat that exhibited no signs, but ones like my ExH did. I now know his overall selfishness, his "this is who I am" mantra, and his basic narcissism will NEVER be something I tolerate in a man again. You will be able to find someone better for you, but you have to get out of your own way first. AND, starting over doesn't always mean you'll find someone else someday. It means wanting more for you in your life right now. Once you've become your full self, you won't stand for a man like this anymore. Then, and only then, will you meet someone good enough for you. Your negative self talk is your own worst nightmare right now and unfortunately, your H KNOWS this......he knows your self esteem is as big as an ant, thus his buying papers JUST IN CASE. I could reach through this screen and strangle a man who does that. That is not a man, that is childish BULLY!
You will never trust this man again. Never.
90 texts in one day? To a woman he "needs" in his life to be happy? That person should be you and only you, not anyone else, and certainly not anyone he's already proven he can't be trusted with.
We teach people how to treat us...and by staying with him the first time, you taught him that you accepted his bad behavior. He's testing to see how far he can go, and believe me, he'll go as far as you'll let him. Stay with him and you're essentially letting him free to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants.
I'm sorry it's come to this. I understand the feeling of "they all do the same thing, maybe it's all I deserve". I hope you can be strong enough to learn to demand that you deserve better.
My situation was fairly similiar to yours. Ongoing emotional affair, "I'll break it off", more contact. My whole world fell apart in front of me. It was an incredibly difficult thing but I finally knew in my heart I had to let him go. Found out more about the truth after he moved out (when I found out he ordered the divorce papers) and even more when he re-friended her on Facebook while we were "living apart but working on things".
I wish I could say things will just start getting better, but the truth is there is a lot of really low lows and some not so bad highs that are you coming your way. And it will get better, in time. Counseling really helped me deal with a lot of this, as well as some of my own crap from the past. Good friends helped me more than I can even explain. They picked me off of the floor more times that I can count. I'm on Surviving Infidelity, and they have helped me repeatedly just to make heads or tails out of things. Time....time will help, as cliche as it sounds.
Life is soooo much better without the constant doubt, the constant checking email/phone for the things I knew were there, the lies, the questioning, the double life. I have come to terms with things and have to tell myself that he loved me the best he could, and he is an incredibly broken man, so it wasn't enough for me. I deserve someone who loves me and treats me with respect.
Hang in there and take care of yourself
Just read your first couple of responses sweet surr, and wanted to chime in how strong and capable you sound. It's pretty impressive. And while I'm sure you are NOT feeling it @ all and are kind of lower than low right now, please know I don't post much- but felt the urge to cheer on the initial confidence that you've shown! You are a strong woman and deserve much better than someone who just doesn't know.
Trust me, you want someone who is crazy in love with you. If he's not it, stop wasting your time.
I was cheated on in all 3 of my serious relationships before my now H. Therapy really helped me realize I wasn't making men cheat, I was picking men I wanted to "fix". You can't make men cheat. They are either capable of it or not. What you can learn in therapy is how to avoid such men, look for the red flags, and why you accepted such behavior in the first place. I think going to individual counseling will be a wonderful turning point for you.
You NEED to see a lawyer ASAP!! They will inform you as to your rights and responsibilities and how to protect your assets, what you can and should not do at this time as well as the divorce process, timelines, costs etc. You do not need to make a decision immediately, but you will be armed with information and an action plan.
What is left if you cannot trust nor respect your DH? He has shown you who he is. Get your ducks in a row - now!
This friend is no friend and an affair is an affair.
So, you are hoping that a man who has an emotional affair on you, against your wishes and buys divorce papers "just in case" will want to stay with you? Really think about what you would tell your best friend is she told you that was what was happening.
Don't lower yourself down to that, don't allow him to have you wrapped around his finger. You don't want to be with a man who disrespects you and then uses divorce papers as a manipulative power trip against you.
I would turn the tables on his ass really fast and ask him if you can have those divorce papers so that you can file them as soon as possible.