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How did you leave? no cheating or blow up
I am stuck in a dead end marriage. I regret marrying him almost everyday. We are going to counseling, but we are just fundamentally different and counseling won't change that. He is not abusive, has not cheated on me (since we got married) and we have not had some big blow out fight. I just know that I can't take the next step with him. I think he has an alcohol problem (he can't stop once he starts), but he doesn't agree and neither do his friends or family. I can't have kids with this man, and I can't buy a house with him. We have been married almost three years. Our everyday life is truly fine, but I'm 28 and ready for more. I just can't trust him to be a responsible, mature adult. He seriously embarrasses me all the time, it's like I can't take him anywhere. He has no sensor and can be very rude and overbearing. I feel like everything is fine for a couple weeks and then he screws up. It's like I'm waiting for a big enough screw up to have an excuse to leave.
I don't know what to do. Do I file for separation? Divorce? Do I just move out and see if he straightens up? I'm unhappy, but very afraid of starting over.
Re: How did you leave? no cheating or blow up
There was no cheating, abuse, substance problem, or blow-up fight in my marriage either. I was just unhappy and knew I didn't want to live the rest of my life with him. So I left. You can, too.
But it's not as easy as I make it sound, and I understand how you're feeling. What are you going to say to all the "Why?" questions? etc. Theoretically, you don't have to say anything (except to maybe your H). But realistically, that's hard. I know - I just went through this last year.
But you figure it out. You figure out how to answer your H's questions (I'm sorry. I have to do this for me. There's nothing you can do. I've made up my mind. I'm sorry. etc.). You figure out how to explain it to your friends and family. You figure out how to explain it to yourself.
But the worst idea is to stay in a life that doesn't fulfill you, doesn't make you happy, doesn't make you feel safe, and doesn't make you feel optimistic. So even though leaving is hard as sh.i.t, you just do it. Because you're way better off in the end (trust me on that one, too).
I'm sorry
Good luck!
In some ways my situation was similar to what yours sounds like. Neither my X or I cheated, there were no big fights, in fact we got along great. My X didn't have a drinking problem or any other addiction problems, he wasn't abusive, and I think he'll be a great catch for someone else. Ultimately I just knew I wasn't happy, so I decided to leave. We initially tried separation (I just told him, "I'm not happy in this marriage anymore, I want to go to counseling, and I want to separate.") While we were separated he accused me of cheating on him (which I didn't) and did a bunch of crazy things, so that made the actual filing for divorce part easy.
It was hard to have the conversation, and I didn't know how to go about it, being straightforward ended up being the easiest thing for me and the kindest thing for him. I was also scared of starting over, especially because I do want children and my biological clock is ticking loudly all.the.time. But, it was the biggest relief ever to separate and then eventually file for divorce. One of my aunts (who thought and still thinks my X was a great guy) said, "you spent your 20s with this man, and you're not happy. Don't give him your 30s too" and that really resonated with me - maybe it will with you too.
Thank you for the thoughtful responses. I appreciate the insight! I'm just so scared of dating and trying to find someone new. I know everyone has flaws and that no relationship is perfect, but I just don't think ours is right. He knows I'm not happy and I have given him many ultimatums, but he still chooses himself over us constantly. This would not be a surprise to him. I feel like I should move to a new state or something. I just don't know how to face my everyday life here. I have a one year old niece that I can't imagine not seeing every week. I don't want to leave my family, but I just don't know how to be single in the small town area that I live in.
It's the same old dilemma....the devil you know or the devil you don't. I'm sacred the devil I don't know will be much worst than the devil I'm already married to.
Reading about those in new relationships and in happy second marriages gives me hope that I might have that too. Problem is that I'm in a big hurry to get there. I just hope I stay true to myself and find the right one next time around.
I would rather be happy single than married miserable. Being single does not mean misery. Dating can suck, and you will probably get hurt again, but it is better than staying in known misery. Give yourself a chance to be happy. Maybe spend sometime with a therapist finding a way to be happy with just you. Than it won't seem like such a devil.
My XH was a GREAT guy, but he was someone else's great guy. I knew he was happy with me, but I was just not happy with him. We had very similar issues. I wanted to move forward with our lives, and he always seemed to be stuck in the past. Sometimes you just know it's not going to work, and there is nothing wrong with not having a big reason to support that decision.
If you think it's over, just tell him. Dating is scary, but that right person is out there! I know it sounds cliche, but it's very much true. Took me about 3 years to settle with someone I now know truly is my match, but i found him!
Good luck!
My situation completely...Sometimes, you just have to bite the bullet and go. My ex-husband was a (probably still is) great guy. He loved me tons and at one point, I loved him too. We did a lot together that I probably wouldn't have ever done on my own. He developed quite the drinking problem and wouldn't admit it as being a problem either. Either way, one day I just decided that today was it....and I did. I left. I told him I was leaving and moved. Period. I couldn't keep it going. Dating did suck for awhile but, even through that, I'm here and happier than ever with somebody that wants exactly what I want....It's worth the risk...Happiness is a choice and it seems you want to be happy...Just do it!
I am in almost the exact situation, only we've been married for 10 years. I am 41 now, so any chance of starting a family is over now. Don't wait until you lose your chance. I was always on the fence about kids, but seeing my how much my husband drank made me adamant that kids would never happen. I grew up with two parents with major drinking problems, and no child of mine will ever have that life.
I am still in love with my husband, who has many great qualities. He is a great husband in many ways, and he as not cheated or been abusive in any way. I don't want to end things, but I don't want things to continue the way they are either. It's really hard. I hope you can find peace with whatever you decide.
i just told him i wanted a divorce and that was it.
we didn't have a blow up fight, there were no huge major things like cheating or abuse...i just knew that i couldn't continue to live like that forever. so when the thought that the rest of my life is going to suck is the only thing going through my head...i knew i had to do it. granted the impetus to tell him came when i met BF, he showed me there really is so much better out there and that i deserved so much more.
it helped that i wasn't afraid of starting over, even if things wouldn't have worked with BF, i knew i'd be happy being alone. the thing that kept me from divorcing him sooner was i thought he was going to be vindictive and take as much from me as he could and that i felt bad that i'd be making him start over...