Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
So how do I do it?
How do I tell my husband, who loves me to death, that I dont think this marriage is meant to be? I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I think about all the memories we have together and the company we provide each other and I just feel sick to my stomach imagining telling him this. We are leaving for a tropical vacation in a few days and I just don't know what to do. I don't think I have enough courage. I'm terrified. What about our dogs? And I just picture both of us being so freakin' lonely living in our places both miserable.
Re: So how do I do it?
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I can only imagine how scary it would be to tell someone that.There's no easy way to have this discussion. My advice would be to just sit down and talk to him about it. Explain your feelings and concerns. See what he has to say. You can't predict what he'll say and you never know, he might feel the same way you do.
The sooner you do it the sooner you'll feel less anxious about having this discussion with him.
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You can see my post below where people tore me to shreds and called me some really horrible names. But they made their point that I am horrible and selfish.
The name calling was harsh. I don't think you're horrible for how you feel. It is a little selfish that you want to hold on to your marriage because of the reasons you gave though. Your husband does deserve better but so do you. You both deserve to be in a loving marriage with a partner that feels the same. That's why I think you should lay it out on the table and tell him how you feel. Give him the option to do what he wants with the information instead of leading him on.
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Ok, so the easiest way is to tell him.
Pack up your sh!t, get a list of things you need to get separated (dogs, accounts, possessions) and tell him straight out. I just helped a friend with the same exact problem. She pretty much prepared for it and then blurted out "I am not happy, I can't do this anymore." As hard as it is, it needs to be done.
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I read your other post and cringed at many of the replies. I think I'm in the minority here but I think you should suck it up and fight for your marriage (but I agree..don't have kids right now).
Just my 2 cents...the passion fades over time, there are good times and bad, but you have to consider your vows and that this a partnership and a best friendship. Do you respect and trust each other? He is clearly trying and invested in making it work; I totally respect that. Work on yourself as an individual; clearly I don't know you but could it be you're not happy with yourself and therefore can't be happy in a relationship? Find a wonderful charity that you love and can invest your heart and soul in and it will build your character (one that you can do together would be even better); explore your spirituality if that is important to you; work on your physical self if necessary and that will in turn improve your mental self; etc. I truly think happiness comes from the inside and you will bring so much more to the table when you're otherwise happy.
I just think way too many take the easy way out (not that divorce is easy but it's easier than fighting through it). Short of abuse, addiction, and adultery I am very much anti-divorce. But I come from parents that are not divorced and I am in awe of their bond and I know it wasn't always easy. I can only hope the same for my marriage--only 6 years in and we are in a lull..but divorce is the furthest thing from my mind.
Anyway, I understand your thinking..why stay in something you're not happy with? It is so tempting to just leave and start fresh and open the possibilities for something even better but what if you regret it? Or find something worse? Or the same thing happens again? You have a good base-rebuild! I commend you both for going to counseling but think it's time for a new counselor's perspective.
Sorry for rambling. I feel for you. Best of luck with your decision.
I think those replies were harsh. That said, you need to tell him. You both deserve to be happy. Maybe he feels the same way.
Do you even know why you aren't happy? What struck me as odd was your inability to pinpoint the problem or issue. If you divorce I hope you find a new therapist that can help you become more self aware so you're not going through life unsure of what will make you happy.
Have you tried marriage counseling at all?
But I get it to an extent. My ex had many issues including abusive tendancies. Even then it was hard to give him the boot. But I felt better and now have a wonderful SO and life. But I also have a deeper understanding of why my marriage did not work, what I need in the future, etc.
mrsgiggles---anti divorce? I get what you are saying, but there are many reasons for divorce...not being fully ready, marrying the wrong person, rushing into it, growing apart. Divorce is not a failure, it is being strong enough to recognize a greater problem and making the decision to love yourself first.
I'm just saying, there is no need to judge. OP needs to make the decison for herself.
I'm sorry people have judged you harshly. They shouldn't.
I think the one question you need to ask yourself - is there anything you need from your husband that he is not currently doing that would make you happy? Also, if you leave and NEVER find anyone who offers you as much as your husband does, would you still leave? Think about these questions.
This is a HARD place to be - it would be "easy" in some ways to chose divorce if there was abuse or an addiction. But since he sounds like a decent guy and trying to work on things - THAT is the hardest place to be because you think you SHOULD be happy (but you are not).
You deserve to be happy. Your husband also deserves to be with someone who loves him. If that is not you, it may be time to go your separate ways.
Best of luck. I know this is one of the hardest decisions you will ever have to make.
Yes, we've been in counseling for 2 years. Things will get better for awhile, but the underlying problem is never really solved because I don't think it can be. The problem is that I don't feel a romantic connection with my husband. I love him as a friend, but I never want to touch him. We never kiss. Ever. I don't want to cuddle. There is just no chemistry like that.
Leaving is not saying you cannot keep the good memories.
You cannot let fear dictate your life. Of course, easier sad than done. If you let fear dictate your life, you will have a lot of regrets.
I don't think you should tell him before vacation, if you are planning on going on vacation with him...
As for being lonely - it might be OK to be by yourself for a bit. Figure out who YOU are and what was missing from this marriage so you do not repeat the same mistake again.
Honestly - message me if you want to talk. In some ways, we are going through similar situations. Except - I have royally screwed things up (kissing other guys...).
Then the question is - can you live in a marriage that is STABLE, but has no romantic connection?
Only you can answer that. There are some people who DON'T care about the romantic connection. But - by the fact that you are posting here, I think the romantic connection is very important to you. If you haven't been able to create it in two years, I am not sure you can.
Everyone deserves to be loved, including you. You and he, both deserve to find someone that you love and loves you back.
If you're nervous about, telling him, talk to your marriage counselor. Tell them that you realize that it's not going to work out, but that you need help breaking the news to your H. Perhaps, they will be able to help you.
Also I have friends, that divorced and they have a "custody agreement" for their dog. You could probably set something up with a mediator, or possibly even just work out an agreement, with your counselor's help.