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Worried about my SIL (very long)
My husband and I visited his family for 10 days over the Christmas holiday and were shocked by his sister's behavior. She lives an hour away from her parents and came down to visit with them and my husband but ended up staying at the house almost the same length of time as us (we traveled from out of state). We were already aware beforehand that she had lost her job due to kidney failure, was having marital problems, and most recently was diagnosed with skin cancer. What we didn't know was her state of mind over the past few months but we got a glimpse of it while we were there.
Right from the beginning there was a lot of drama between her and her husband. When she came down to visit with us she left her 2 girls with him and I guess he expected her to return that same day. Well, she did not and when I asked her when we were going to see the kids she kept changing her story saying she was going to go pick them up that same day but then it kept changing to the next day because one of the girls was still in school or some other excuse. Then we found out that her husband had called Child Protective Services on her and that she was not allowed to be with the kids unless he was there.We didn't believe him at first until a relative was told the same thing by the police. Well, since they weren't getting along he refused to bring them down by us and you can imagine how upset everyone was that they weren't going to be able to see the kids. A lot of family had traveled far just to see them. So from Dec 21st thru Dec 25th they fought about where the kids were going to spend Christmas. On Christmas Eve she just out of the blue drove back home because she said she needed her space. On Christmas day she calls her parents saying that she was tired from all the driving from the day before and that if we wanted to see the girls we'd have to spend Christmas up by her house. Well, her step mom told her that she was expecting a lot of family at the house and that she wasn't going to change her plans. When SIL's husband found out that she was back home he was furious because just the day before she was fighting him tooth and nail to bring the girls down. So he said screw it, I'm still bringing them down. Finally, she decided to come back down and she got to see the girls for a few hours.
Though she got to see the girls we noticed she only interacted with them when they opened their gifts. Afterwards she disappeared outside because she wanted to check out a new vehicle one of her relatives had just purchased. I didn't see her with the girls during the 3 additional hours they were there . She so badly wanted to see them and she's more concerned about a stupid car? I understand she may be going through a lot and I suspect it has a lot to do with her husband. He refuses to get a job and has been mooching off of her since they got together 7 years ago. When she went into kidney failure she lost her job and now they are in deep financial debt. So for over a year now they've depended on family for money. However, she's still paying her mortgage and family on both sides can't afford to give them any more money. You'd think that he'd get up off of his lazy butt and look for a job but he won't. He does have a side job but apparently he told SIL that he needs that money to pay for child support from a previous marriage. He's only working to avoid going to jail. Nice huh? What about SIL and their 2 kids? Well, despite the dirt bag that he is CPS is allowing him to keep the kids until they determine what's going on with SIL She had mentioned that she's supposed to get a big settlement from losing her job (she was let go). But for some reason it's taking a long time. We heard her husband wanted to use all of it to buy land. Basically, he's saying screw you and the kids. It has to be hard to be married to someone like that.
Anyways, let me explain her bizarre behavior when she was by us. For one, she kept making up these insane stories about a few of her ex boyfriends. One of them supposedly killed his wife and now lives across the street and is stalking her. Another works at a bar right around the corner. These were guys that she dated when she was living in the city- she now lives in the country. Now she's claiming that her husband is not the father of her kids but that instead his brother is. Then she changed it again and said that the brother is the father of the oldest and her ex boyfriend is the father of the second child. We called CPS and found out that several people had called in to report her over the past few months. We also found out that she made false allegations to the police about several of her neighbors accusing one of them of raping her and another of molesting her daughter because she found a dirty diaper in a tree. We are pretty sure these are all lies.
On her way down to the house to see us we found out that she tried to pay for gas with someone else's card and almost got arrested because there wasn't any money in the account. That person had to come to the gas station and pay for her gas. I noticed she kept coming and going every 10 minutes because she had to go and pick up this and that (bananas, milk, etc) when she had just been to the store. I couldn't sleep at night because she was stomping up and down the stairs and slamming the door every time she went in and out to smoke. She kept cleaning and doing everyone's laundry and moving our belongings.After about 5 days at her parents she got sick of us because we were all trying to find out what was going on with her. So she got up and left because she said that she felt nobody wanted her and her dog there. She claimed that she was trying to accamodate everyone even though it was the other way around. Her dog was growling at everyone and we felt uneasy around him so of course we weren't very fond of him. She spent the night at her house and the next morning was back but then kept going back home several times throughout the next few days. To tell you the truth I'm not even sure why she stayed down by us if she has her own house that nobody is living in. Eventually she started running out of gas since we refused to giver her a anymore money. So what does she do? She goes to her husband's parents house where he was with the kids and tries to take his car. He refuses to let her and she disappears. My husband was actually there because he had followed her in a different vehichle. She had planned on going back home for good that day. He was supposed to go to CPS with her to help her try and get her kids back. But on the way up there he said she sped off and took a wrong exit and lost her. When he finally found her she told him that their step dad had been following them and she was trying to get away. Apparently, she's delusional. When she spoke to CPS he said she told them that her husband wasn't the father of her kids and now they are making her get a DNA test on them. She also claimed he's physically abusing her but told everyone else that he's not. So you see, you can't believe anything that comes out of her mouth right now.
She has said and done so many crazy things that we tried to get her committed so that a mental evaluation could be done on her. However, we were told that unless she was a danger to herself or others there's nothing we could do. She would have to seek help on her own and nobody can make her do it. What I'm really concerned about is what is going to happen to her kids? Right now they are ordered to stay with their father even though he has a felony. Since he got CPS involved in all this mess is it going to be hard for her to get the kids back? She can see them if he brings them over but as of right now she can't be alone with them. And judging from the way she's behaving I agree the kids shouldn't be in her care right now. Does anyone know what may be wrong with her? She had been on meds for a short period in the past for being bipolar but that was when she was a teen- she hasn't been on meds since then. My SIL is a 33 year old mother of 2 who has never behaved this way before and up until she lost her job she was a very hard working woman. Could she just have had a mental break down?
I mentioned before that she was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer two months ago but for some reason she's not seeking treatment. Some family members don't even know if she's telling the truth. If you had been around her you'd think she was on drugs or drunk. But all of her family says that she's not (though I still think she might be hiding something). For the most part she's all happy go lucky but as soon as you tell her you're not going to give her gas money, let her drive your car, accuse her of lying, or tell her she needs help she goes off on you. When she had tried to take her husband's car the police were called and when they talked to her my husband said that she suddenly became normal. My husband insisted that something was wrong with her and pleaded for help. But they told him she appeared fine and they just left. Her parents tried to get her committed but to no avail. I'm afraid something bad is going to happen either to her or the kids if something is not done. Thankfully, CPS is making her get a mental evaluation (we found this out after we returned home) because she contradicted herself the second time she met with them. I also heard that she ran out of gas 2 more times since we've left and that she had her car towed near her parents house. She was supposed to be back home and they don't know why she was in the area to begin with. I don't think anyone is going to pay for it either so I don't know how she's going to get her car back. Her step mom told her she is not allowed to touch any of her cars or live at the house. She also refused to give her a ride back home because she had just driven her up there 3 days ago. Do you think people are being too harsh on her? What would you do if you had a loved one who was acting this way? If she gets put on meds do you think she'll get her kids back? Has anyone ever dealt with something similar to this?
Re: Worried about my SIL (very long)
I lurk on this board, but I wanted to respond.
As someone with a close college friend who was bipolar, she needs to go back on her meds. Bipolar disorder does not just go away - maybe while she was in college it was suppressed for some reason, but if a doctor just took her off of them, then she needs a new doctor.
I suspect she just stopped taking them because she was 'better', and now has relapsed. This happens often with bipolars, and sometimes it's okay until a trigger occurs. Sounds like her trigger was the loss of her job.
She has no business being near her children unless she is medicated, I'm sorry. If you really don't want dad to get them, then someone needs to get her to a licensed psychotherapist, have her re-evaluated, and get her meds straightened out. Until that happens, she's going to continue in this circle.
Whether or not she'll get them back if she goes back onto her meds is unknown. It depends on how large her CPS case file is and what's in it (sounds like they have a good bit). She may have gone too far, but regardless, she needs professional help immediately.
Bipolar disorder is a mental illness, and it doesn't just go away. Anyone, including you, who knew she had come off her meds is partially to blame for this.
No, you shouldn't be blamed but you shuoldn't be shocked either~! If she is off her meds what the hell did you expect her to act like?
She is in VERY poor physical health as well, plus dealing with a lot of other crap.
unless SHE decides to get help, go to the drs. and stay on her meds there is nothing you can do. You can be worried all you want but you cant fix someone who doesnt want or doesnt know they need fixing. The only thing you can do is stay away if you dont like her behavior. Has anyone spoken to her about it? Not accussingly, just a calm conversation.
From your title it sounded like concern, after reading your post it sounded more like a *** fest.
Your SIL reminds me of my cousin. A lot. My cousin was treated for bipolar disorder for several years although recently the diagnosis was either changed to or amended to include schizophrenia.
Everyone in my family has spent a lot of years trying to help my cousin. Taking her to appointments, rescuing her from terrible situations, paying for treatment, etc. When she is regularly taking her meds, it's manageable . When she would stop taking them though, there wasn't a lot we could do. That took a really long time for my family to accept. It's still extremely scary when it happens and we worry about her but aside from reporting her to her social worker/treating agency and pleading with her to take her medicine, there's just no way to make her get better. My family gave her a cell phone that is on my grandmother's plan so that way we can reach her or even turn on locating services if we're really worried. I wish I had a different answer for you but that's been our experience.
My cousin did lose custody of her daughters to her mom (father is unknown) who has been raising them for the last ten years. That was for the best for the girls. My cousin wasn't going to be able to be a good mother to them and they had to be safe and cared for. Your nieces need the same thing. I understand from your post that you question her husband's ability to take care of them but it sounds like he's a better choice than your SIL at least right now. And if he was willing to bring your nieces down to visit, then I think it might be in your family's best interest to develop a cordial relationship with him so he will continue to provide opportunities for you to see them.
As for if she could permanently lose her custody of the kids, that's a possibility but from my understanding the goal of children's services is to re-unite the natural family whenever it's possible. If your SIL can get better and prove she is stable and responsible, she may be able to slowly regain her rights. It sounds like CPS is trying to get her help so having them involved may actually be helpful.
If your family really felt that her husband could not be a good father to the children, someone could seek custody or possibly visitation but grandparent visitation isn't a very easy case to make.
I'm sorry that you guys are dealing with this. It is an incredibly difficult and painful situation. I hope that your SIL can see that she needs help and get it.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
My 'you' was meant as a plural (as in, the whole family), I wasn't pointing the finger directly at you. So please don't be defensive. However, you shouldn't be surprised. Bipolar disorder, I will repeat, does not go away. It is a mental illness.
My advice is to find some way to get her to the doctor who originally diagnosed her. If it comes to it, then you can always call a mental facility and have her admitted for a couple days' observation. At that point they would start her on medications and get the chemical imbalance regulated.
She needs professional help, immediately.
This is about her losing her children, right? Then she needs help.
Why don't you think she's doing drugs? She absolutely sounds like someone drug seeking and strung out. It is likely co-morbid with a mental health issue - so she's got two un-diagnosed, un-treated issues. The need for money, the traveling, the constant in-and-out is all signed of drug use. The family's response sounds like classic denial.
Where is her lawyer? You don't make any mention of family court, law guardians, lawyers or any legal representation. CPS doesn't have the power to restrict visitation or supervision of children by a biological parent - CPS can only make recommendations to the court. A judge in family court is the ONLY legal authority to separate children from their mother/father (unless in emergencies and even so - police/CPS must seek court approval within 48 hours). Are you aware of any court orders or mandates? And why has CPS mandated the father as the sole supervisor of the children? That seems very odd. If supervision is in question, why can't a grandparent be supervising her during a visit? And where was the holiday plan? The random and confusing plans for the children over the holidays seems VERY loose and unlikely if family court state agencies are involved.
Anyway, no, no one is being "too harsh" to not pour money into this hot mess. Meds are not going to cure what's stopping her from having custody of her children. If I was interested and motivated to help her, I would:
1- Secure a medical 'home' and plan for her immediate medical needs - both for the kidney disease and skin cancer.
2 a- Get a lawyer (one will be appointed if she cannot afford one) to represent her in family court in regard to the children. Listen to the lawyer and follow their advice.
2 b- Follow up with CPS for their recommendations and case goals. What do they need her to do? Have they certified or made a finding of abuse or neglect of the children? What steps does she need to make to regain unsupervised visitation and custody? What resources do THEY have to help her reach her goals?
3- Secure a medical home for her mental healthy/psychiatric needs and/or drug treatment. This may need to be #1 on the list, but given her current state of chaos and isolation, she will need some good supports in place on a host of fronts before she can tackle a drug dependency or mental health diagnosis.
And,
4 - She needs an income source and health insurance (maybe she has COBRA?). If she can't secure employment, she may qualify for SSI/SSD if/when she gets a diagnosos and treatment plan and a revue of income eligibility. The kidney disease may qualify her now, even without the mental health diagnosis ... so that should be investigated. Now. Right now.
My husband and I live in WA and his family lives in WI. We were only there for a 10 day visit and trust me his family did all they could do to help her. Well, at least all they knew they could do. My husband tried talking to his sister as calmly as he could but to no avail...everyone did. One minute she would talk but she would lying straight to your face. Then she'd make up crazy stories that made no sense at all. Eventually, she'd tell us that her personal life was none of anyone's business and that we all needed to stay out of it. Meanwhile, everyone was huddled in the corner trying to figure out what to do next. Her father called the police to see if they could force her to get a mental evaluation but they said he would have to prove she was a danger to herself or others. She either has to state that she is suicidal or thinking of harming herself or others to get committed. Her parents called a crisis line and she spoke to someone for an hour. Unfortunately, she is pretty good at snapping out of her bipolar mania when the cops are there or when an outsider talks to her. This is the reason why it is hard to help her because she can suddenly act normal in the blink of an eye. I've heard of the term bipolar but I've never actually seen it in someone. Truthfully, I didn't know what to expect because I didn't even know she had it in the first place. If I had known then yeah it wouldn't have been as much as a shocker as it was for me. However, the rest of the family seemed just as shocked as me...and they knew she had it. But like I said she was diagnosed years ago. I'm assuming they weren't at all educated about it and thought it was only temporary.
She isn't violent towards others (at least not yet) but she was much louder and happier than usual (almost like she was drunk). I asked her family if it was possible she was doing drugs but they all told me no. I'm not sure if I completely agree with them on that but there's no proof either. She didn't smell like alcohol and I never saw drugs in the house or her vehicle. The cops were called on her for trying to take her husband's car after she ran out of gas as well as for trying to pay for gas on someone else's credit card and for filling up her car when she had no gas money. The only reason she avoided jail was because family was always there to bail her out. When my husband was at her place she wanted him to put gas in her car but he told her he didn't have any money...she went off on him about that. Instead he gave her a ride back down to their parents. So for a few days she was at her parents without a car and they wouldn't let her use theirs because they knew she'd disappear with it. They even went as far as hiding all the keys to keep her from taking any one of their vehicles. Also to keep her off the road and out of trouble. She wasn't too happy about that and throughout the night I heard her tearing the house apart for the keys.
As far as CPS and the kids the family really isn't sure what to do. When SIL and her husband were fighting about where the kids would spend Christmas, her parents called her local police. They were told that it was true that CPS got involved and that the kids were to stay with the father. If anyone of us tried to pick them up we'd be arrested. That is also how we found out about the false allegations she had made against several of her neighbors and that CPS had been called several times on her. Apparently, the cops knew her quite well. Two relatives did go with her when she met with CPS and they witnessed her lying. I know that nobody is happy that the kids are with the father but there isn't much they can do. For one, my husband's side of the family doesn't have the financial means to care for the girls but then again neither does the kids father. However, my husband and I probably could and we'd be willing to take them in but we are a military family headed to Germany this year. If there was a way we could get the girls we'd take them in a heartbeat. But we'd be up against SIL's husband and his family. I know he'd refuse to let us have them and would fight us tooth and nail. But if CPS called us we'd gladly take them. However, we don't want to move the kids to Germany and keep them from seeing their parents. I highly doubt CPS would let us care for the kids even if both SIL and her husband lost custody of them. She says she has an appointment tomorrow with her doctor to get help. I really hope she keeps her word and does go so that she can finally get her life back on track. Thanks everyone for the feedback! Please keep SIL in your prayers.