Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Unsure how to feel about this......maybe TMI
So I'm kinda new over here. I'm lurking over from 3rd Trimester board on the bump. This has been bothering me for the past couple of days and I can't bring myself to discuss it with my husband because it's pointless in my mind.
So I'm 32 weeks and some odd days pregnant. My belly is HUGE. We've not had sex in over 3 weeks. The last time that we tried I was in quite a bit of pain. So DH pulls out and finishes. I got upset because it felt so distant. He notices this and tells me that he is sorry. But he could tell I was in pain and he didn't want to cause me anymore pain. Understandable. Then he goes to take a bath, I didn't think anything of it. I had to use the bathroom while he was in there and I noticed that he was....well complete hard on. While in the tub. That to me is very strange. So of course I automatically think, okay that would explain a few things. Granted if he is taking care of himself it's a hell of alot better than him cheating. But it makes me so angry at the same time. It's not like I don't have sexual tension or needs either, but we're unable to have sex because I have so much discomfort. But I dont 'go take a bath' and relieve myself while I'm in there. It seems too disconnected to do that.
My husband is a great man, he's supportive, caring and works hard. We've always had this sexual connection among other things, but it seems like every since I've been 5 months + pregnant its tapered off. And it aggrivates me.
So the delimma is that it bothers me that my husband is' taking care' of himself an of course being discreat about it, because it feels like he's hiding it. But we can't have sex. And if I bring it up, he will tell me the same thing as last time. "I will never hurt you, I'll do it myself before I cause you any pain". So how would you handle the situation?
Re: Unsure how to feel about this......maybe TMI
Why dont you give eachother oral? Or engage in other sexual acts together?
Look, you're saying you need release, too, right? So why wouldn't oral or mutual masturbation work? I understand what you're saying but if you can have intercourse because it hurts, then you do what you can to maintain that connection - even if that's not actual intercourse.
Sometimes it can be just as hot/exciting when sex isn't on the table - kind of like when you were first dating, KWIM?
Give the guy a break. Seriously. And keep in mind that you are being overly sensitive because of your situation. At 27 weeks now (and my second pregnancy) this I know.
Like KB said, find other ways to be intimate. I am on pelvic rest (have been since 14 weeks) but we have found other ways (not even just sexual) to maintain our intimacy.
No I don't expect him NOT to masterbate. I just don't like knowing when he does it. Because I feel like it's all my fault that we're not intimate anymore. I'm not sure why him masterbating bothers me. I'm not a closed person. But there's NO INTIMATE CONNECTION WHAT SO EVER!. We hardly even kiss each other anymore. He sits in his own chair instead of on the couch with me, he sleeps against the wall on the other side of the bed. We've tried watching movies after my DD goes to bed but that NEVER happens. bc 30 min into the movie he passes out in the damn recliner.
And I was never big on oral either way. Especially while I'm pregnant. Its a bit harder to maintain certain areas right now. I'm not mad at him I'm just upset because we cant seem to connect on that level either way. And I know it's just giong to get worse when LO gets here.
With my DD it wasn't that bad because her father was a prick anyways and he didn't give two shits if he pissed me off or hurt me or not.But with my husband it's so much more different. Our relationship has never had a disconnected phase at all. But it's like this pregnancy keeps causing that to happen. The sexual portion bothers me the most because we've always had it. I dont want foreplay, I dont want oral, I want that connection and the actual 'Omg that was awesome' sex back. And we can't have it because of the pregnancy.
I doubt he was trying to let you in on his masturbation. it sounds like you walked in on him doing it privately in the bathroom. How is that his fault?
But overall, it sounds like there is more of a problem going on than just sexual intimacy, so you need to stop focusing on just that. And those issues require a conversation. However, that conversation should not be a harping "How come you don't cuddle with me yadda yadda yadda" it should be "Hey, can we do xyz just the two of us tonight? I miss our us time and we have a short time before the baby comes". NO WHINING.
I think you have too many self-imposed "rules" about sex.
You can't do anything like manual or oral - - it's not close enough.
You can't masturbate b/c it doesn't count (or whatever).
Your H isn't allowed to masturbate b/c you dont.
etc. etc. etc.
Hey - You can't have regular sex b/c IT HURTS YOU. Your "rules" are what is keeping the two of you from being close, not oral or manual sex. Your pregnancy is temporary. And guess what? Doctors usually say no sex for six weeks until six weeks after the baby is delivered. Chill out and be creative with your sex life - - or accept that your H is going to j*ck off in the tub.
Newbie chiming in
YES to this! This is exactly what I was thinking while reading all of this.
Either let go of your rules or just deal with it. Those are pretty much your choices . I think oral or manual can be just as intimate and close, you just have to make it intimate and close.
Ok. I kind of get this. You need to concentrate on the bolded part because that's the real issue here. You need to find ways to connect that aren't about the "omg awesome sex" because the hot sex periods of relationships come and go. You need more than that.
How long were you together before marrying? If I understand your tickers, you've been married and pg about the same length of time. That's A LOT of major relationship changes at one time, especially if your relationship wasn't well-established before marrying. You may want to consider some counseling to handle all of that.
Finally, if you don't want to know when he masturbates, don't barge in on him in the bathroom.
I hate to tell you this, but even after the baby comes, sex is not going to be the same for you. You will have to abstain for at least 6 weeks, and then things down there just aren't the same for a while. Plus you'll be sleep deprived, the baby will be crying, etc. If you keep up these notions of what sex should be you're going to be in for a rude awakening.
Also, I think you should cut your husband some slack. He put your needs ahead of his own, since he realized it was hurting you. He did the right thing. Don't punish him for that.
ETA: Ok, I just saw that you already have a DD, which makes my first part less relevant. But I do think you need to realize that relationships have their ups and downs, and just because your sex life isn't like it was before doesn't mean it's any less. It's just different.
You're not unsure how you feel about this. You don't like him masturbating. And I think that's weird. I think you should feel bad for walking in on him because that was probably embarrassing for him. Masturbation IS usually something people keep discreet or people would just be pulling their puds all over town.
I don't know when mh mastubates nor do I care. I certainly didn't care when I was pregnant- I've always felt close to him, regardless of frequency of sex. But, neither of us wanted to do it when I was pregnant. As stupid as it sounds, we both felt like it could see from inside or something. I don't know- the whole idea was gross. I felt disgusting and the last thing on my mind was sex alone, with him, or possibly ever again. And he didn't seem to care- maybe he was mastubating every day. I have no idea and never thought about it. Everyone's different. But, if it was painful, obviously, you're not into the sex part so find another way to be intimate and stop getting mad at him for masturbating. I don't even understand that.
This. I don't understand why it would bother you that he was masturbating. He obviously didn't want to hurt you- that doesn't mean that his sexual urges went away! Communication is key here, but please don't make him feel bad for trying to do the right thing. If he didn't care that sex hurt you, you would have a much bigger problem. As a PP said, you are putting so many rules on your sex life that it causes the disconnect more than the pregnancy. You can create intimacy, or you can remain hung up on feeling that it has to be "the real thing". Your choice.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
What is it with all of these people being mad about not sitting together on the couch? More often than not, I'm hoping he'll sit on the other couch so I can sprawl out and take the whole thing myself.
Maybe I should be voted most likely to divorce in 2012
My DD is 3 years old. And I believe there is some truth here. He doesn't know what to do because he doesn't want to hurt me. I believe that a big issue is that I'm getting back to the vulnerable state with this pregnancy and any type of intimate change throws me off the edge.
I did end up discussing things with him. I feel alot better now and relieved that it's out of the way. we're both just so stressed out and excited and overwhelmed. To the p oint of knowing that he will be here in about 6-8 weeks that we dont know what more to focus on.
What's out of the way? Is he agreeing to stop masturbating or are you realizing that is a crazy thing to expect of him?
Is your 3 year old with him or from a previous relationship?
It just seems like there has been a lot of huge huge change in your life in a very short time. I think you are letting that color your ability to make choices.
And it makes me think that you may not have had a lot of time with your spouse prior to marriage to get a real solid foundation.