International Nesties
dulcemariamar1
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
@ questions about TTC
I just have some questions for the ladies on this board who are mommies or are planning on being one. Right, now we are not TTC but who knows if we can later this year.
1.) Did you do anything to prepare your relationship for such a huge change? Do you have any advice?
2.) Did you set up a baby budget? Or did you want to meet any financial goals before TTC?
3.) How long did you wait from the time you got married until you started TTC? Did you feel it was enough "you" time with your DH?
Re: @ questions about TTC
That's exciting news :-)
1. We tried to go out and do more dates while I was pregnant since we knew we probably wouldn't have the opportunity again. One regret I still have is that we didn't take one last vacation with just the two of us before I got pregnant. In the 2 weeks we could have gone, I had a big conference and then DH went mountain climbing, so we would have only had about 5 days and decided not to go. I wish we would have. Something I think was helpful was that we discussed beforehand some of the changes and frustrations that would probably come with the baby - sleep deprivation, me not having as much social contacts and not being able to work, his long work hours, etc - and I feel like that helped prepare us a little for when those things actually became problems. We both made sure that we knew that even though the baby would take up pretty much all of our time at the beginning, that he's still my first love and I'm still his.
2. We did not set up a baby budget, but both of us are very careful with money and we have savings, so for us it wasn't necessary. Neither of us are big impulse spenders and neither of us went crazy with baby stuff.
3. We were married 4 years before TTC and DD came just before our 5th anniversary. I feel it was the right amount of time given my age, the number of kids we'd like to have, and when we got married. Would I have liked to have had more time alone with him? Sure. But I also would have like to have started having kids younger, so this was a bit of a compromise.
1 - Not really. We just felt ready. We both felt like we were in a good place financially and professionally. And we felt like we've made the most of our time overseas and our time in the various cities we've lived in. We didn't have this huge discussion about how we would raise kids. We know we're on the same page about that from our years together.
2 - No real 'baby' budget, but we organized it so all our bills could be paid from H's paycheck. We didn't even do this in preparation for baby, we just thought it was a smart thing to do. When my pay reduces during maternity leave we'll be OK, and we'll later use mine to pay for childcare. We have made steps to reduce some expenses after the baby is born as well.
3- Baby is due around out three-year anniversary, but we lived together for two years before getting married. I feel like that was enough time. But it's so personal. Someone else could have been married for six months and felt that was enough time for them.
There's no real science to this. When we were dating for a while it suddenly felt right to get married. After we were married, it eventually felt right to have a baby.
1) no
2) no
3) we weren't trying, but we were married about 6 months before I got pregnant. We were planning to wait longer, I don't feel we had been together long enough when I got pg. It has been very stressful for our marriage.
Good luck!!!!
Exciting news!
1 - we didn't do anything specific. We're both planners and had talked about having a baby for awhile so I guess we had been "preparing" for a while. We also did a lot of travelling that we felt we wouldn't be able to easily do after baby and are in good places in our jobs.
2 - we don't have a specific baby budget, but we do have a good budget/savings established in general for things we want in the future, including kids, house, travel, etc.
3 - we had originally talked about TTC about 2 years after our wedding, but after about a year we decided we were in a position to move that up a bit. I went off BCP around our 1 year anniversary and then charted and monitored my cycle for around four months before officially TTC. Of course, that was a year ago and still no sign of a baby, so we've had even more "us" time than expected! We had been together for a while before getting married too, so I think for us, we had enough time with just us.
Cecilia arrived 12 October 2012
1. Nope, we have just been going for it.
2. Nope, we have just been going for it.
3. We're old...we started immediately, and almost 5 years later are still not pregnant. But we're working on it.
Exciting!
1) We talked, and talked, and talked. The exciting, the nervous, the wow, the what ifs. How it would impact our jobs. How it would impact our schedules, activites, travel, etc. How it would take time/energy from our relationship and ability/time to communicate. How we would counter that. How we would parent towards the goal of welcoming a child into our family but keeping our marriage relationship a priority. That was the biggest focul point of our conversations.
My advice would be to discuss what is important to you both and how you want to accomplish that with a child.
2) We didn't have a baby budget or write down any goals. We did take a look and make sure we were financially stable enough, knew how medical care would be covered, got things we needed and splurged on a few but didn't go overboard, and knew that we were agreeing to spending more to include a child (now two) in our lifestyle or that we were agreeing to spend less on our lifestyle to include kids. We travelled a ton with BabyD because taking advantage of travel while living in Italy was important to us. It cost us extra. With two, when we go back to the States, we'll have to pick and choose. When do we go travel but leave the kids with the grandparents, and when do we spend the money to include the kids on the travel experience? Things like that.
3) We accepted that we could be blessed with kids at any point. We wanted, and got, the first year to ouselves. We got our first BFP a couple months after our second anniversary, with BabyD born a couple months before our third anniversary. I definitely feel that it was enough us time before having our first.
Thanks ladies! We will celebrate our 5th anniversary this year so it is starting to feel that we are ready.
We still have to do some important things first, like get a bigger house. I am just a bit worried. The housing market is really bad here and I am afraid we are going to have to wait another year or two.
Exciting! We hope to TTC # 2 this year, but we'll see.
1) On the relationship front, know that whatever problems AND strengths you have as a couple will become even more apparent when you are dealing with a new person in your lives. If you know certain issues are "hot" buttons, like who gets more "me" time or how much time you dedicate to joint activities or how much time you spend with each other's families (and whether the distribution seems fair or not), figure all of that out ASAP. It's very, very sad to have a big fight the weeks before Christmas because you want to take your darling baby to see your family for once when you've spent the last 10 Christmases with his family, for example. On the flip side, if you or your DH know one of you functions amazingly on very little sleep or is a terrific cook or is great at researching information, know those strengths well so you can divide and conquer. This sounds kind of obvious, but I have always been the one who loved cooking in our house and yet I barely cooked for the first year of DD's life. I don't know why on earth I thought I couldn't leave her with DH while I had some "me" time in the kitchen, feeling creative and focused on something besides a baby, but both of us literally forgot that it was something I enjoyed so much. The mind does funny things when you're sleep-deprived.
And then there are things you might never figure out before you have a baby. DH and I still struggle with the religion thing. I thought I would magically know what to do about DD's religious upbringing once she was here (DH is Jewish and I am nominally Catholic), but I don't. We don't. Such is life.
2) We had very specific financial goals before TTC and we met them.This is entirely personal and plenty of people will tell you that you shouldn't overplan, but in my case, I really needed to because that is the way I am. I wanted to be at a point in my career where I could have a more flexible work schedule when I had kids. I'm there and I'm happy things have worked out this way.
3) DH and I were married 5 years before we started TTC. We moved around a bit and went to grad school in that time, so it felt like a good amount of time. I think if our careers had been more stable and we'd already met the financial goals in question #2 before we married or earlier in our marriage, 5 years wouldn't have been necessary.
1. No, but I like the advice for date night before baby comes.
2. We didn't do a budget but we were financially set at the time.
3. We had been together for 9 years when we got married and got married then because we wanted to have a baby. We stopped using bc on our wedding night and I got pregnant a couple months later.
1) We talked about expectations some. Like I wouldn't have a kid with anyone who wasn't ready to be a parent -- changing diapers, staying up all night, the usual parenty stuff. Just because he's a man he doesn't get to duck out of that. But mostly we talked about all this stuff before we even got married in the pre-marital counseling sessions required by the Catholic church here.
2) Not really. We looked into how much babies cost, saw we could easily do it and decided to go for it.
3) We waited about 7 months to start TTC and I got pregnant on the second cycle. I think we had enough "us" time, but then again we are still making lots of time for each other with the baby around so I don't feel we've lost anything. Maybe we'll feel differently in a few years, but so far we're very happy sharing the love we have with a new addition (how cheesy am I!). I mean, sure some days he gets home from work and we don't get a chance to talk much, but if that happens we'll usually have some nice conversation while I nurse Aurelia to sleep. I think as long as both of you remember to keep your relationship a priority along with the new baby you'll handle it fine. (disclaimer: This coming from someone with a 2-month old so I obviously haven't been doing the mommy thing for too long)
Like PPs said we can all tell you our own experiences, but only you and your DH know if you're ready.
Thanks! Sometimes when I lurk on the MM board I get scared about the cost of having a baby. It is hard to understand how much money you need here compared to the amount you need back in the States. I know a lot depends on how much you want to spend. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish between needs and wants.