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Alright, I need HELP with my inlaws....
Fair warning- this is gonna be a long one!
So my husband and I just moved back to Ohio (where we both grew up) from NC this past summer. We weren't gone long, but missed our family too much. While we were gone, I got really close to my BIL's girlfriend of one year. I wasn't sold on her in the beginning, but really had changed my mind. This girl lives 45 minutes away, and since they are still in college, she literally moves in with my inlaws every weekend. One saturday, my husband and BIL were going fishing, I felt bad that she would be there alone waiting for them so I invited her to come shopping with me (she doesn't have many girl friends, and like I said, I was really coming around to her). She came along, and mostly our convo consisted of pretty generic things... until she started poking around about student loans, and I spilt the beans that my husband had more than his brother. I in NO way said it accusing his parents of playing favortism. However, I later found out that she went to my MIL and said that we thought they treat my BIL better... blah blah blah, which lead to my MIL and the girlfriend making a list of OUR finances, which my MIL had no business doing with the girlfriend. So anyways, world war III broke loose in our family. This girl had the nerve to not only twist my words around, but also told us a bunch of lies that my MIL supposively said ( like telling us she gets my husbands 6 year old sister in their will... not us, not my BIL, HER, which wasn't true) ! My MIL and the GF were "friends", going places together, and everytime we turned around they were havin gpersonal convo's about my husband and I! It was rediculous, and my inlaws just refused to see our side of anything- the girlfriend was innocent and we were being "ungrateful and rediculous and rude to the girlfriend" This went on for weeks, and never once did we hear from the gf. After a while, MIL and FIL decided to drop the issue, and to keep the peace... so did we (thinking we were agreeing to disagree). Now its taken a while, but I have slowly been talking to the gf again for my husband and BIL sake.... I will never be friends with her. I have not been rude to her, I've talked to her and treated her like I would anybody else, I'm just not going to go out of my way to be her friend, or buddy up with her at family events. A few weeks ago, my MIL told me husband to tell me I needed to be more respectful to the gf and talk to her more because the gf feels akward around me now! What nerve! I am her DIL, she has only been in the picture for a little over a year! How about how akward I have felt being around the 2 of them these past few months! Thankfully, my husband told her he would never tell me to do that, and that I have a right to be mad for as long as I need too... but what nerve! I'm so taken back by the whole thing that I really just can't see myself having a relationship with either of them again. This is no good. My husband and I have both always been very close with our families. I can't ask him to pick sides. He spends a lot of time other at that house though on his days off (drives me crazy!) and I'm really just not sure what to do at this point. Any suggestions?
Re: Alright, I need HELP with my inlaws....
Why is your H spending so much time at their house?
Why do ILs know all about your finances?
Why did you start talking to her again?
Do you notice a theme here? None of these things have anythign to do with your Ils!
So, your IL's take the gf's word over either of yours, make you both out to be the bad guys, but your DH still spends a LOT of time there. Why?
Second, to your MIL's feeling that YOU need to be more respectful, make more of an effort, etc - if it comes up again, your DH simply needs to say "their relationship is between them and no one elses concern".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You're not going to change your MIL. Obviously, for whatever reason, gf has her ear, plus she will probably ALWAYS want everyone to be "one big, happy family" and gloss over any problems. Your H absolutely did right by you in telling her that they would no longer be close.
If your MIL, FIL, BIL or gf want to come out at you with discussions about your finances, tell them "this is not an issue for discussion. How H and I spend our money is not your concern." Shut them down and if they want to keep discussing it, leave the room.
You can't change the gf, you can only monitor your own behavior. If I were your H, I would be super-po'ed that you discussed finances with ANYONE in or outside the family. His student loans were nobody's business but yours. Keep your mouth shut about personal issues (including sex, how big or small your H's d!ck is, finances, and what you will name your future children) and you will hold 99% of these problems at bay.
You are smart to keep your distance from the gf. It's not your job to entertain her or provide a circle of friends for her. If she wants to spend every waking hour with her BF and his family instead of cultivating relationships, that's her choice.
I think you are handling everything just fine. I realize that you made a huge life change to move closer to these people, but it doesn't mean they are not going to be total pains in the arses from time to time. This is one of those times.
You can't make your MIL have a relationship with you. It might have worked before, but this conflict has really left its marks. Keep an open mind, but keep your distance. Just because she whispered some instructions to your DH doesn't mean you have to follow them. And since DH responded really well, the matter should remain closed.
I know I probably don't need to say this, but you probably shouldn't have said anything about your H's student loans or finances to BIL's gf. I know you know that. Hindsight is 20/20. She took advantage of your moment of mistake and did/said some inappropriate things to your MIL who then turned it around on you guys. I would be seriously irritated too. And way pissed. I think you are handling it better than I would.
I think you have to ask yourself if it is worth continuing to be angry over even though I think you are 100% justified in your feelings. I would also advise you not to talk about any more personal matters with her, though I am sure you have gleaned that from this experience anyways.
There are definitely issues with my ILs and H's family that are not discussed in order to prevent a family nuclear war. Sometimes MIL brings up these touchy issues around me but I usually just politely nod and change the subject to avoid it because I know she is looking for me to validate her opinions and I just can't do that. '
Who knows? Maybe you will get lucky and your BIL will dump this girl and you will never have to associate with her ever again :-).