Starting Over
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Is hindsight really 20/20?
Going off of something that NP said in another post -- looking back at your relationship with your XH, do you think that there were signs before the wedding that were telling you to run away or were things really always good and there was something else that made the marriage tank?
Like, for me, looking back, there were a million and one signs telling me to GTFO of Dodge and I ignorred every last one of them. Of course, then once I got married things just kept getting worse, yet I stuck around. It wasn't until I had an Ah-ha moment 4 years in that I finally put it all together and realized that we were just bad from the start.
Ridley Run 3.1 - 4/9/11 - 34:24 - 1st race evah!
Kelly Monaghan's 5K - 5/15/11 - 3rd Place in AG
Walk the Talk 5K - 5/18/11 - 31:12 PR
Ridley Run 3.1 - 4/14/12 - 1st race of the year, 32:45
Kelly Monaghan's 5K - 5/15/11 - 3rd Place in AG
Walk the Talk 5K - 5/18/11 - 31:12 PR
Ridley Run 3.1 - 4/14/12 - 1st race of the year, 32:45
Re: Is hindsight really 20/20?
To me there were signs but hindsight isn't really 20/20 either. For me I wanted to be married and ignored things like bad communication and not being a good match. There were signs of the dealbreakers but I ignored them.
Looking at the photos of me walking down the aisle at my wedding, it is obvious that I felt deep down that I was making a huge mistake. I look petrified--I told myself that I was just scared of tripping when I got the proofs back, but in retrospect, I probably knew I was making a mistake.
To me that saying means "if I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently". In which case, for me, the answer is HELL YES.
And RE the bolded - me too MCC. I looked like I was walking to a firing squad or something.
Me too. Some friends wanted to see my wedding pictures and they said that I didn't even look happy.
Me too.
And I don't even have a good reason for going through with it, haha!
I was just way too scared of doing everything that would have to be done to call it off -- call the vendors, cancel stuff, be the reason my parents lost a bunch of money (hey! a reason you should pay for your own wedding! no guilt!), UN-invite all the guests, and bear the shame.
For me, going through with the wedding (at the time) was the better of two evils.
NOW (obviously), I can see that canceling it would have been the right thing to do.
So many red flags, and I knew them, too. But I didn't want the shame of calling off the wedding. And I thought things could get better if I worked hard on the marriage. Pfff!
And I spent thousands of dollars on a wedding & pictures, and none made me look as happy as the ONE picture the preacher took of my now DH & myself the day we eloped.
For me the #1 blatant sign was the fact that I was in love with both my husband and another man when my husband proposed to me. Husband found out about it the weekend we got engaged and that was the first time I ever saw the kind of anger he is capable of.
I SHOULD have said no when he proposed (we had only been together for 6 mths and I was only 20). I SHOULD have given him back the ring when he found out about my feelings for said other person. I SHOULD have taken time to sort through how I felt. Instead I decided that I wanted to be with my husband. A few months later I had SERIOUS doubts about my future with my husband. I was contemplating ending our engagement at this point the only money lost would've been what he spent on the ring. But then I found out I was pregnant and got talked into marrying him while pregnant by our families. Afterall we were already engaged....
Yeah wow I am (was) a trainwreck. I was also only 20 wtf did I know. I had all these doubts and fears but I ignored them all. His anger has only gotten worse, he has never truly forgiven me for my emotional betrayal. Oh and that other man I was in love with was killed in 2010. He was one of my best friends (still) and my husband had no idea I was still in touch with him. His death hit me hard and right after I lost him was when I started doubting my marriage. That was when I realized that I have been putting my happiness on hold for years.
18 months later and I am still sitting in limbo. Except now my husband knows how I feel and that I want out. He does not feel the same way. I haven't found the strength to leave anyway b/c I am lacking a solid reason other than all the red flags from our past.
Wow it felt really good to say that all outloud.
I don't know how to answer that. There weren't crazy red flags that said I shouldn't marry him. Did we disagree on things? Sure, but nothing life-changing or anything like that.
I also was a nervous wreck my wedding day and had a ton of anxiety. I guess if I want I can say that it was because it wasn't going to work out - but right now in my sorting I feel like I had a lot of sadness and anger about losing my loved one that I felt like the day just couldn't be 'perfect' without her. So, it's hard for me to say these things were directly related to the outcome of our relationship, verse directly related to having just lost her. I don't know.
I guess in time everything becomes more clear, but I don't think anything is ever 20/20 for me.
My H and I had an on-again-off-again relationship for five years and were BROKEN UP when he proposed, which should have been an ENORMOUS red flag right there. I, however, thought it was just a cute story. In actuality, looking back now, I don't believe we should have gotten married. However, once we were married, I would never have ended it UNTIL I found out that he had an affair for months at the end of 2011. Now, I have the reason I need to get out of here...I just need to develop the cajones to do so.
I do have to say that I loved my wedding day and wedding and was very happy on that day. However, it was one day out of an eleven year relationship (five of which are our married years) in which we were more often indifferent toward one another than happy.
Were there a gazillion red flags? Yup. I was so naive and didn't recognize them and thought he was just "immature" and would grow up eventually that I didn't pay attention to the reality of the situation. I really thought we were forever (good lord I was dumb).
I have some of my closest friends say things like "don't you remember 2 months before your wedding and I showed up at a party and he was there (with your car which was parked halfway on the curb) and he tried really hard to convince me not to tell you where he was because he was with another girl? I tried to explain to you that this was the person you were going to MARRY." Nope, I was so mindfvcked I don't recall that or the million orther dealbreakers that should have told me to RUN.THE.HELLL.AWAY.
I do think I'm infinitely smarter, wiser, and stronger because of what I've gone through in the past.
I'd say you've got solid reasons.
This.
I really am not sure why I got married. I liked my XH a lot, but I could not see him as a romantic partner. Thinking back, the whole thing was rather bizarre. I'm not sure how I willingly went along with getting married when I knew deep down that I couldn't see making a life with him.
Yes- there were so many signs.
In my case, I was sure that "different" didn't mean "bad". Prior to my ex-husband...I had dated the bad boys (one was in a band, etc). I saw signs in the beginning (overspending, etc) but I honestly convinced myself that just because it was different...it wasn't "bad". I wasn't physically attracted to my ex either but i convinced myself it was because he was clean-cut, etc....and that too was something I wasn't used to.