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Not sure how to get out of this...
Sorry that this is a bit jumbled and disjointed. i hope you are able to get where I'm going with it.
We have friends that have a little boy 6 months younger than DS. From time to time we have gotten together. If we get together in a public place all is good. If we get together at either of our homes, DS ALWAYS ends up sick. See, the younger boy is always sick and the parents never maintain any meds he's given.( when they even bother to take him to the doctor) I watched him over the summer ( he didn't go to childcare then so he wasn't exposed to I guess what always makes HIM sick.) I finally told the parents that I wouldn't watch their kid until they got him meds and he was on it for at least 24 hours. He has had a wet cough and thick yellowish snot for a year! They finally took him to a doctor and it turns out the kid is asthmatic, had bronchitis and a sinus infection that wouldn't respond to normal treatment. ( they finally solved the latter...at least then... with some neosporin swabbed in his nose believe it or not. He was also given antibiotics and a nebulizer for his asthma) Anyway, the rest of the summer he seemed fine.
Since then, anytime we've met up with them, the child has been sick,again! I realize kids get sick more often in daycare, but the parents also has to take them to the doctor and continue treatment so they get well.
Anyway, like I said in a public environment, DS is ok around the kid mostly because we can either run intervention or it's a big enough space he doesn't have to be playing with this kid. The problem is, the parents keep wanting us to go to their house or come here. I can't keep finding reasons to avoid the houses and go out some place every time they want to get together. I also can't think of a way to say that we don't want our son playing with their son in a closed in environment because their son always makes our sick! Ds doesn't get sick from any other of his little friends that attend various daycares, so that can't be used in any way.
We like the parents, though SOOOO don't agree with their parenting, for obvious reasons and we like going places with them. We just don't want to hang out at each other's houses because of what happens every time. There has been at least 4 separate incidents of it happening in '11 alone so we know it isn't just a fluke.
What would you suggest other than telling the parents that:
We want to hang out, but it has to be in a public place because your little Monkey always ends up making DS sick when we play at ours or their house (even when I scrub and spray down DS's toys after a visit doesn't work. Probably cause he's already been exposed to the germs from when the kid sneezes in his direction or has even done it in DS's face!)
When they asked to hang again in a couple of weeks at their house, Dh said I looked like a deer in headlights!
Help! I hate to lose the friendships because they are basically the first ones we had when we moved down here, but I refuse to keep exposing DS to a guaranteed illness. I know what he needs to avoid, but can it be done without hurt feelings?
Re: Not sure how to get out of this...
I? um? wow.
This one is tough. I am a direct person so that is the only advice I can think to give. I?d say something like (trying to draw from my crucial conversations book I mentioned in another post):
?We love getting together with you guys. We always have fun and love your company. I have to talk to you about something that has been concerning me though. I?ve noticed that when we get together at one of our homes [your kid?s name] often ends up getting sick. This doesn?t seem to happen when we get together in public so I have been wondering if it is a closed environment situation. This is a hard thing for me to talk about with you because I don?t want to imply your child is always sick, and yet I do want you to know that when he is sick it is a great concern of mine to have him playing with [your kid] because I don?t want him to end up sick shortly thereafter.?
Give her a chance to absorb it and correct any misunderstanding if she thinks you are implying she lets her kid walk around sick all the time. You might have observed that but you don?t want to communicate THAT. That is a judgment on her parenting and you don't want to go there. You want to achieve mutual purpose - being able to get together and yet making sure she respects your concern that her kid be well when you get together so your kid doesn't get sick. If she tries to deny that this has been the case you could perhaps reiterate that it seemed like he had allergies before (gives her an out) but it turned out to be a bronchial infection and your kid got sick after playing with him multiple times during that period. Once you?ve confirmed she isn?t ticked off by you saying this much I?d make sure you end things with:
?Thank you for talking about this with me. Our friendship is important to me and I love getting together with you. My concerns are alleviated knowing we are going to get together in one of our homes only when both of our kids are snot/cough/sneeze free, and I really appreciate it.?
That is a hard conversation to have. But your concerns are valid and she can't address them if you don't let her know where you are coming from.
- Paula Deen to 104.1 KRBE's Producer Eric 9/17/2011
I think you run the risk of hurting her/your friendship if you confront her.
I would just keep suggesting public places to visit. Give the excuse that it is so nice outside, y'all should take advantage of the weather while you can and pick a park or the zoo. You could say you'd like to do things at places other than your houses before your baby comes because you know you'll be cooped up inside for a while after that. Then you have the excuse of your baby. Hopefully, by that time, her son outgrows being sick all the time and it won't be an issue anymore.
The Crafty Mama Blog
Ooooh I missed that part. I like this, especially because I do agree that you could lose a friendship if you do confront her (I have little patience for letting stuff go that long but this is a great excuse). It will also give her a chance to be a better parent in caring for his illnesses.
- Paula Deen to 104.1 KRBE's Producer Eric 9/17/2011
In an effort to maintain your friendship - can you suggest a kids-free get-together with the parents? Maybe dinner or something?
Unfortunately, I am only going to be able to stall for so long and make excuses to meet for outside playdates. I did that this time where we met at a restaurant instead of having dinner at their house. The big problem with that is if it rains or is cold.
Red- We have often been each other's baby sitters and the kids are normally the whole reason of the familes getting together. The mom would REALLY wonder why I was I trying to do something without them.
I always read about people losing friendships over issues with the kids. It doesn't sound like there is an easy way to do this without hurting feelings. Hopefully you can navigate this so that you come out on the other side with the friendship still in tact.
Maybe you could ask each time you are about to get together whether or not her child is currently sick? I feel terrible when I get someone else sick, and I have to believe these people have some level of empathy to not want to get other kiddos sick. (or maybe they are just that clueless) Is there anyone in your family that you can use as a reason that your child cannot afford to get sick? For example, my best friend's mom is currently going through chemo, and no one can visit unless they are in good health because her immune system is so compromised. Maybe you guys have a parent or close relative that has some health issue you can cite as a reason that no one in your house can afford to get sick? It is awful to even type that, but I'm stretching for reasons at this point...frankly I cannot understand why she would think it's ok to bring her kid around other kids when her child is sick.
Good luck, and let us know how it turns out!
Click it if you can't say it!
Sara: The issue of the little boy being sick has been brought up often. The parents right it off as allergies, which it obviously isn't or DS would be getting sick from him. I've tried non-chalantly asking if the LO was sick, but they get a bit defensive, which is quite understandable because I'm basically asking if they are willing exposing my kid to being sick,too.
This is looking like a no win situation the more I think about it. Either I continue to push for meeting other places other than our houses or it"ll have to come out that everytime DS is with their child in their house or ours, DS gets sick.
Boo! I just dread this......funny thing is, none of their other friends or our mutual friends seem to realize half the stuff they do or don't do. Guess we're just the lucky ones