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Mom lives with Brother, now he's moving far away, she won't budge..
Ok, my Mother is terrible with money. I don't know where she spends it, but every month, she's never able to pay her rent. She finally got evicted (only a matter of time). She now lives with my Brother and his family. They all live in FL. My Mom wants to be back in CT where the rest of her family is. I live in NYC.
With that said, my Brother took a job in Colorado Springs, and will be there this Feb. My mom doesn't know what to do. I know she won't be happy anywhere but CT. Her NYE resolution was to stop procrastinating. Well, according to my Brother he keeps asking her what her plans were, and she keeps saying "I don't know" . I've mentioned that she should move in with friends in CT until she can get on her feet. But she has made no comment about that plan.
Once Feb. comes, I'm not sure what will happen. I don't know where she will live. I'm in a one bedroom apt. and certainly don't have the room. What can I do/say to get her to start making plans?
Re: Mom lives with Brother, now he's moving far away, she won't budge..
DO NOT let her live with you. I guarantee you you will never get rid of her.
If she doesn't want to become responsible with money, there isn't much you can do. If she were open to it, you could try to sit down with her and work out a budget or see a financial advisor, but given what you say she is like, I doubt that will work.
I know you hate to think of her on the street, but it seems like she is willfully refusing to acknowledge her situation and maybe it will give her a kick in the pants to try to manage her money responsibly.
Who would be blaming you, and why would you be listening to it?
why on earth would you suggest she live with friends until she can get on her feet?! that's enabling her to keep procrastinating.
she needs to grow up and stop having everyone around her let her continue her bad habits-THATS how she'll grow up and act like a responsible adult. not iwht you letting her live there, not with her living iwth friends.
and frankly who cares if someone blames you? it's not your fault-it's hers.
sure-it's far better to enable your mom then to be considered a bad daughter by someone who can't manage to act like an adult.......
So.... are you really going to live your life based on HER judgements? When she can't even act like an adult?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
$500 won't buy/rent her much in CT, unless she lives somewhere in the woods. I paid $1K for a 1BR in Northern NJ - - 12 years ago!!!
Can she get on a list for senior housing? Is she old enough/income limited enough?
This 10000xs
And why would you dump her on her friends?
When you read that back to yourself you know how dysfunctional it sounds, right?
- And to date, she has NO plan? None!? But you're about to be a "bad daughter" for not bailing her out of some mess she's walking into??
TELL HER she needs to deal with her housing RIGHT NOW because you are not going to be guilted into rescuing her from herself. Or make a rescue plan that you can afford, like a room at the Y. No kidding.
It sounds like she's planning on moving with your brother. She just won't say so yet because she's hoping someone will find a way for her to stay in CT.
There's really nothing you can do. If she asks to stay with you, just say No because there's no room. She's an adult, she needs to start acting like one.
Are you sure there aren't any issues she may be hiding? Gambling, drugs, something?
What does your mom say to you when she brings this up?
You don't have to say a word; she knows she needs to make some kind of plan. If she does not make plans, well, then, she'll be in a hotel, and that'll be ok too. She's got a job; she makes money, she'll find something.
Unless, of course, you're willing to make it your business to find someplace FOR her. Go right ahead, knock yourself out. She'll be happy to let you, I'm sure. The only way for her to do it herself, however, is if you do not make it your job, but instead let her find her own place. Doing it for her is called 'enabling'. You do not want to be an enabler. You don't want to do it; you want her to do it. Right?
So let her. If she brings it up, say "I know you are bright and intelligent, mom; you are going to find a neat place and get yourself all settled in!" Or "Oh, you'll think of something; I really suck at stuff like this". Or "Let me know when you find a place, I want to send you a housewarming gift". Or "Let me know when you find a place, I can't wait to come see you in your cool new apartment".
What you do not say, even if it means taking a knife and cutting out your own tongue rather than say "well I GUESS you can stay with me for a while". And cutting off your own fingertips if you catch yourself signing it after you've cut out your tongue.
Do.Not.Give.In.To.The.Guilt.
The more you get involved, the more she's going to want you to bail her out. She's hesitating right now because she's waiting for one of you to ask her to live with you. DON'T DO IT!