Maine Nesties
mesa81
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
dealing w/jealousy of SAHMs
I feel bitter and annoyed by them right now-- it's something I need to get over but I need to get it out first. I find myself annoyed when they talk about their day or how busy they are-- and they try to be supportive of my frustrations with working but I know they just don't get it. I realize being a SAHM isn't easy and you don't get a break... it's not easy. I think part of the problem is neither of my two BFFs had to really work prior to having kids.
I know I need to adjust and accept the situation and get back to enjoying my friendships but man... it's hard. Have you ladies felt like this? Any advice?
Being green with envy doesn't feel good.
Re: dealing w/jealousy of SAHMs
The mommy message board I'm on has a lot of SAHM's on it. I get jealous when I hear about them going out and doing things with their little ones when I'm spending all my free time on the weekends just getting through a pile of chores just so we can do a family activity for a few hours on one of the days. I get jealous when they talk about all of the laundry and cleaning they have to do because I have all of that, but it doesn't get done and my house is a filthy pigsty most of the time and I'd kill to have some extra time to actually get stuff done.
BUT... then I was home with James last week. It was exhausting. I didn't really get a whole lot done of that massive pile of chores because I felt like I should either be relaxing a little on my vacation or playing with James. I didn't want to go out with him because it was cold/ expensive/ a production/ etc. And that was on a vacation- there is little to no such thing as "vacation" for a SAHM unless you leave the house and ditch the kid(s). There are no interesting projects to tackle unless you take up a hobby- which also costs money that you aren't paying for with your own income. The conversation can get more than a little dull when you're home with small ones. There are just as many distractions at home, if not more, to getting chores done. You can get bored with the kids and the kids can get bored with you if you aren't always finding new and interesting things to keep busy bodies at bay.
So... I think it's always a "grass is greener" type of thing. I would still prefer to be home given the cost of daycare and the notion that I am the parent and would prefer to be the primary caregiver and teacher in those first fleeting years. But I don't think it would be a picnic and the costs are higher than I always initially think (no free corporate meals, movies/museums/indoor playspaces have admission costs, more energy to heat a home 24/7, more food costs if you are home for all meals for you and little one, etc.) I don't know how well I'd handle it and just how much things that bother me now would change... it's a very different lifestyle.
I DO agree with you that it's annoying to hear friends complain about it if they never really worked before. They dont' have the same perspective and I'd have little tolerance to hear about "how hard they have it" if you know what hard really is. Lots of people have to deal with juggling a work schedule with family or have past experience in a stressful work environment or even dealing with a special needs child or something. (Not that I know if they have children with greater needs...)
Thanks Erika-- I'm sure I'd feel differently when S starts talking or is actually a handful! I totally respect SAHMs and how hard it is. I'm sure the grass is always greener-- I do enjoy being back at work but oh, I'd kill for more time at home.
My BFF has been ridiculously hard to get a hold of recently and when we finally connected, DH walked in the door with the baby and I told her I had to go. She acted somewhat annoyed and I snapped and said "yes, I have less than 2 hours with her a day" and hung up the phone.
Would it make you feel any better if I told you some of the downsides of SAHM?
1. No sick days. This is, I think, the worst part. When you feel like death, the last thing you want to do is care for a small child all day.
1.a. No time off for doctor's appointments; unless your spouse/SO can take time off to stay with the kid, you have to take them with you. Who doesn't love a pelvic exam with their 3 year old in the room?
2. Not as much free time during the day as you'd think. Do I have time to sweep the floors, do the laundry, and bake cookies all day? No, I'm busy keeping the kiddo safe, fed, toileted, and occasionally entertained. Infants are hard but mobile children are so much harder.
3. I earn no money.
4. I get no respect. (Just call me Rodney Dangerfield.) Ok, this is not entirely true. But our culture very much ties our identities to our jobs. Even I have a hard time not thinking of myself as "just a mom."
Overall I'm satisfied with being a SAHM and it's the best choice for my family, but it's not blissful happiness all day long. I'm sorry you're having a tough time with going back to work, mesa. I hope you'll find that after you get back into the groove of working, you won't feel quite so bad about your situation.
Thanks Mainely-- I totally understand the downsides-- I just have a hard time relating to the people closest in my life and I hate feeling bitter towards them. I don't think it's a cakewalk in the least bit!
In a lot of ways, I've accepted and feel ok with dropping S off at daycare everyday and going to work. It's an adjustment like anything else.
I am trying to think of this as though I were one of your friends. Do they know how much you wish you could be a SAHM? If so, I think it would be a bit rude of them to complain about it. If not, maybe you could let them know how you are struggling. It might, at least, stop them from complaining. I'm kind of likening it to when I was dealing with IF - my friends knew the last thing I wanted to hear was complaints about their pregnancies, so they didn't share that with me. We just talked about other things that we could relate to each other.
I will say that I do talk to my working friends about the struggles of staying at home, but they all have told me they choose to work, so I feel that's a different situation.
But, if your friends are just talking about their day and saying, "I'm busy," well, they probably are, just with different stuff than what you are busy with, and I don't really have any advice to make the feelings go away, because I think your feelings are normal. I think dealing with envy is a really hard thing, but it's also something I think everyone struggles with regarding something, and I think what's most important is how we behave despite our feelings. So, if your friend had done nothing to deserve getting hung up on...I would try not to do that again.
If you want more of a description of how being a SAHM can be hard, well, I will add that sometimes taking care of an infant can be really, really, REALLY hard. My DD cried ALL THE TIME for most of the first year and I was considering going back to work because I was seriously depressed and I needed a break. So, it's one of those, "You never know what someone else is going through" type of things. Maybe one of the SAHMs you hear complaining is doing so because her infant is harder than your baby and she's not sure she can SAH anymore. I find toddlerhood to be so much easier than the first year that makes me wonder if my kid is an easy toddler or if I might find my next baby to be amazingly easy, considering everyone else seems to find things to get more difficult once the baby starts walking
MIT, you had a crazy rough first year with L and I totally can't even imagine how hard that was-- I was thinking of you both yesterday and your posts about her.
I hate feeling like this and it's totally unfair for my friends-- thanks for the support/ perspective.
I can totally relate mesa so I have no advice. I'll be re-reading the responses so every time I slip into one of my downward "bad mommy" spirals I can attempt to pull myself together.
I'm only on day 3 so maybe (hopefully) things will change, but this week has been miserable. I was so happy at home and was getting used to that life... but coming back to work has turned me into someone I don't recognize. I've been so angry and sad and I really can't stand being around myself. I hope this doesn't last long.
It's funny, when I had just Jake and he was under one year old, I would have given my right arm to stay home with him. I felt like someone was ripping my heart out when I had to go back to work, and was SO bitter and depressed for a long time about that. BUT, I will say that once that cute little baby turns into a defiant, tantrum-throwing toddler you may change your mind a bit. Also, once I was done pumping I felt better about it too.
Now that I have 2 children and I was a temporary SAHM for 8 months (due to getting laid off, not by choice) I can definitively say I would NOT want to SAH even if I had the choice.
I do, however, get jealous when women don't HAVE to work for money. I wish money wasn't an issue for us, but momma has to bring home some bacon too
). So it's more of a money jealousy than anything, because even if we could afford for me to SAH I would choose to work at least 2 days/week, which is what I do now.
Jake blowing out the candle at Katie's coming home party
Katie Belle
Kristen, Chad, Jake, Katie & Sadie the Wonderdog, est. 6/17/06
This is exactly how I feel. Definitely a money jealousy thing! However, I'm more annoyed with myself for not busting my butt to get debt and things paid off before having a baby than I am jealous of others. if I had paid things off sooner I could probably afford to stay home.
I think I can offer a different perspective and some of the same.
So I was crazy jealous. I went back to work when she was 7 weeks and I was miserable. Long story, but I got put on probation while I was on maternity leave. We weren't thrilled with our childcare. Literally after I'd been back to work 8 or 9 weeks we stood on a home lot we were considering and said do we have a house here by the summer and I will never be home with her or do I quit my job and we will figure it out.
We I quit. As far as what it did for my mothering I wouldn't change a thing. As far as my marriage.. I am getting a divorce. Is that decision that day the reason... No, but it definitely has a lot to do with it.
I couldn't just quit and be a SAHM. I had to piece it together and frankly I think I have done a good job. almost ex has other things to say about it. well he has things to say about everything. but i never thought this is where we'd be. somewhere along the line (well when she was 2 and there were SO MANY OTHER stressors in the marraige) he became not ok with the situation but we never really discussed. it just came out in digs.
Backing up.. so i started an etsy shop. I took minutes for a business planning meeting and I did freelance marketing the first year. she napped twice a day and I could take her to meetings. like kimberly said the older they get the harder it gets. 2 naps drops to 1 and then to none. I still work from home and it's so hard to work, because when I need to concentrate and it's a drink, or wiping a butt, or the movie is skipping. and then you feel like a half arsed mom and a half arsed employee. i just quit my last job and got a new one. on pay roll . 15 hours a week. thank god. and then i have other freelance work on top of that. sigh of relief.
but anyway i feel like i have worked my butt off the last 4 years. i made $9k last year. i paid my own car payment, preschool, child care, ballet. i cleaned the bathroom and swept at ballet for a discount. i got my kids scholarships to preschool and camp. i do trades. 100% what kimberly said.. no sick days. that is by far one of the hardest things. ex put $250 a month toward food for a family of 4. i made up the rest.
but when it came to the situation in the marraige.. yes there were breakdowns elsewhere, but as he's paying all the fixed bills, the mortgage, oil etc thinking he works two jobs so i can sit at home and eat bons bons and i can barely pay the bills i am responsible for it's "work more".
so now you've got a 3 year old and suddenly after she's been with mom this whole time you're going to pop her in 40 hour a week childcare.. uhm. no. and then preschool happens which is way more expensive than daycare.
i wouldn't change how i've been able to parent for the world. do i think it could have saved my marriage if i worked. possibly. would i trade what i had with k to save my marriage. no. i wouldn't. my relationship her is everything i'd want and more. the whole custody thing rips my heart out cause he is now going back on his word. sorry.. digressing.
work from home can be done. it's hard as hell. i have a full time working bf who is very jealous of me in many ways. that during the summer i am at the beach with k in the middle of the day. i take her to ballet on tuesday morning. but after a week home with her girls, every time she says i could never do what you do and work 15 to 20 hours a week from home on top of it.
i think many people would have been on food stamps by now. i have a friend that has $30k in the bank cause she uses state everything. raising her 4 boys and honestly plans to pay it all back once they are in school and honestly she will probably do it. our income was twice hers last year and she had twice the disposable income as us. it's sickening.