Starting Over
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Did anyone's xh change after the divorce?
H and I have been separated for about 6 weeks. His drinking was a major problem, but he was also disrespectful and somewhat controlling. H claims that he's stopped drinking, and that he's been seeing a counselor weekly since I left. He's begging, begging, begging me to give him another chance.
I do believe that he's stopped drinking, because I'm sure I would have gotten shittytexts/phone calls if he hadn't. But I feel like I'm a fool for thinking he could really change. Ugggggggh.
The day I left was just my beginning.
Re: Did anyone's xh change after the divorce?
Mine also said he got sober and started therapy. He went to therapy only for about 2 months. He no longer goes and I'm sure he's back to using again. If your H is an addict, rehab is really the only way that I would even consider thinking about thinking about giving him another chance.
Yes, I said thinking about thinking about, that's how much faith I have that addicts can change.
I have had the same thoughts as you.
Have you done counseling together?
Most of me says 'an orange is an orange, it can never be an apple'.
I think that someone can change for a while but I think there is a high likelihood that in times of high stress/bad things happening/complacency, that people will revert to their base instincts.
I've heard a lot of stories similiar to yours....not a single one that has a "happily ever after" ending. He may be on the path to living a better lifestyle, but he hasn't changed for good. Odds are, once a guy gets what they want (i.e. their woman back) they revert to their old behaviors.
Before we got married he would curse at me and call me names, break my things. Then he went to counseling and it seemed like a miracle. We got along great, he managed his temper well. The past 2 years it has been coming back, slowly but surely. He is also in counseling again and acting like the man I married. It confuses my brain.
BUT
smartdernier knows that it could/will likely come back.
Kuus, if you ever desire to make love to a woman - I am here for you. You may take me right now!
lol, thanks.
My counselor said it takes 6 months to really change behavior. So I wouldn't even consider going back until that time. I think it's just hitting me how much my life is really going to change.
Hmmm I dont know. Mine also claimed after the divorce (not for purposes of getting back together) that he had stopped drinking and using drugs which he did on a regular/almost daily basis.
I might be ignorant but Im of the mindset that a zebra can't change their stripes UNLESS there is some serious intervention and therapy on the person's part.
I do think people after divorces can change but usually it is the result of going their own ways and usually they revert back to the same behavior if back with the same partner. Every relationship is different and how we are with different individuals is just very differnt. This is especially true to why we should only focus on our own journey and not compare ourself to other people.
My stbxh stopped drinking 1 year after a marriage per my request and he was sober until we split up 4.5 years later.
I have seen people change, and I mean, really, deeply change in a lasting way, but it's rare. Six weeks is waaay too soon to assess that, and it's been my experience that the person has to change for them, and no one else for that change to have any hope of sticking.
Mine claimed he did, but it turned out to be more of the same old sh*t and worse.
I was in a similar situation. After 3.5 years of marriage and dealing with his alcoholism, depression, and other issues, I went to Al Anon for myself. I had over a year of Al Anon background in me when DH assaulted me. I got out, filed for a protective order, served him divorce papers. I did see him during our separation to deal with selling our house, etc. During our separation, he joined a gym, was going to regular AA meetings, getting a new wardrobe. He's now found Jesus and married a "real" Christian woman. Whatever.
Don't be fooled. Stay strong. You deserve so much better and you'll find it!
Oh they always want to change in the eleventh hour. I wouldn't believe it for a second. XH actually didn't change (for the better at least) when we split. He just sunk further into his addiction.
We had broken up for a few months before we got engaged and I remember he went on a stint where he *claimed* he wasn't drinking at all (drinking was one of the reasons we broke up). He had started dating someone else and I remember him telling me that he was so glad that I'd encouraged him to stop drinking because now that he was finally sober he could "be a better man" for his new GF. I was so envious that she got the GOOD XH that I instantly wanted him back.
Boy was I a sucker!
I'm with everyone else on this. Although he has maybe quit drinking, he's still an addict (at least that's how your post comes across). Even if he were to get sober for himself, there are always relapses, and he will always have times where he struggles with the addiction. You left for a reason, and 6 weeks is not even remotely close to long enough to make a real life change.
Keep your head up and remember the reasons why you left. It will get better/easier over time.
Yes, your life is going to change. It doesn't mean that it will change for the worse. The devil you know is almost always worse than the one you don't.
My XH reverted back to his 21 year old self and is reliving every single milestone from his 20s. I'm assuming he'll hit the reset button again 8 years from now. It's like watching an extended version of Groundhog Day. So, no, he hasn't changed. Therein lies the problem.
People don't change. He's stopped drinking ( or has convinced you that he's quit drinking) for a whole 42 days. Wow. What has he replaced that with? People who abuse drugs and alcohol are not miraculously healed because they quit. They drink or abuse drugs because they need a crutch; and when they let the crutch drop, they will search desperately for something else to use as the crutch. Sex, exercise, a different drug, gambling, whatever; but they'll find something else to cling to and addict themselves to. IF they ever successfully kick the habit, which is unlikely enough to begin with.
The problem isn't his alcohol abuse. It's the hole in him that requires some sort of filling, whether it's alcohol or some other addiction. THATs the killer part of rehabilitiation. Figuring out the reason for the hole, and how to fence it off and work around it for the rest.of.your.life. This is why people fail so much at 'quitting drinking'.
This is exactly what my counselor talked about last night.
Thanks, everyone, for giving me the kick in the butt I needed.
no, he stayed the same helpless, useless jerk....
he could have begged and offered me all the blue diamonds in the world and i still would have told him to F off.
My XH went to rehab when I left, and has been sober for 7 months. From what I have been told it takes anywhere from 6-12 months for their brain to actually make the change and stick with it.
He has proved everyday though that he wants to change and has continued to make progress, including meetings and staying away from the people that were doing pills.
I do believe people can change but they have to WANT it!!! AND WORK ON IT
I had a boyfriend who I broke up with after several years. One of my major complaints about him was that he never tried new things: He would prefer to go to a restaurant in our sleepy suburban town than go to NYC, he would only see certain types of movies (action or Clint Eastwood-type westerns, "tough guy" type films), he wasn't someone who would go to a museum or Broadway play.
So we break up and meet for lunch a few months later. He's telling me about all of the things he has been doing - going drinking in Hoboken, rollerblading (this was when it was cool!), etc. I was so angry - how come he never tried any of these things when we were dating and I was BEGGING him?!?
But you know what, that was really the symptom of the problem. The truth was, we just were not compatible. So even if he dressed up and took me dancing in New York City every weekend, eventually the relationship would have ended.
I am not going to sit on you this weekend and rail on and on about how you're so much better off without him; nor will I totally discount that there may be a very slim chance of a future together.
But know this - firstly, it is really close to miraculous when an addict can win over their addiction; secondly, when addicts recover, it is highly unlikely that they will have any vestiges left of the person you were compatible with and fell in love with.
To be somewhat brutal, but honest, if he ever does get sober, he may not want you back anymore. You've been his co-dependent for so long; I know what it's like, all the excuses, all of the covering up, all of the not sharing so that you can keep him and his reputation safe.
Let go and get on with it. You've been denied so many of the things that you so desperately want for so long - go get them.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
Mine got worse.
He was always an alcoholic but with my there as the secretary/chauffer/personal assistant, his homework got done and drunk driving was kept to a minimum. I thought he was basically a good person with a beer problem. He never got on facebook except as a manipulative gesture - in 2 years he posted only one status. the rest of the time it was changing his marital status to "separated" just to screw with me.
After I left, he started getting on facebook every day and bragging about his new girlfriend, then broadcasting outright lies about me. He totaled his car - drunk driving, i assume. He dropped out of school and spends his days - and i find this so appalling - passed out drunk on his GF's sister's house. He also treats the GFs kid and her sis's kids really roughly and shouts drunkenly at them. And this is just what I glean from things I hear without wanting to!
This.