Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Moms...
I have posted about this before but I am really struggling with this right not.
When DH and I got married, ok even before we always talked about having a decent sized family 3-4 kids. We had plans to start trying when G was 18 months, then I pushed it to 2 years, then until she was potty trained, and now until we pay off our credit cards. I know DH really wants another baby, actually a few more babies and I don't know what I want. I feel like I am leaning towards being done. I really fear that G will hate me for having another baby, she is my only focus of sorts and adding another one in will take away a lot of that. I am scared I will miss something with her or I will make her feel less loved. I wish there was a better way to put this into words
On the flip side I would love for her to have a sibling to play with and have later in life. My sister and I are about 7 years apart and we were really raised as only children. We are not close and I worry that G will end up not being close with a sibling because of my experience.
I have been talking to DH about this and he just keeps saying oh give it another month and then he will say it is just like the first, you will find a million reasons why it is not a good time and you just need to bite the bullet. He also says that when G is a year or 2 older I am going to miss this stage and regret it. I know he would never push me into having a baby, but I think I would feel horrible if we didn't have more because I know that has been the expectation for almost 8 years now. He says he kind of understand what I am saying but not exactly. I just feel bad and sort of crazy because the few people I have talked to don't understand it.
So my question is how did you know you were ready for another kid, or how did you know you were done? Or any advice?
Re: Moms...
It's very personal. I can't help you much except to say that in my experience I worried about adding another kid to the mix and if I would be able to give my first child the attention they need. Honestly, once the baby is there and you're a bigger family it's almost a moot point b/c the love you have for both kids just keeps growing and you and your child can hardly remember what it was like before that second kiddo (at least until they are teenagers, right?). That might help with the worry about if you are doing your kid a disservice by having another.
Are you united with the CCOKCs?
Ah, this is so tough - and really only you can know when you're ready or when your body/mind/soul is ready. Obviously your DH's opinion figures in, but it takes two to tango...
It may or may not help, but we were surprised with having #2 born just after #1 turned 2. In retrospect I wouldn't have it any other way - they play together, learn from each other, and have added so much to each other's lives (and ours, of course). But I had known we'd have at least 2 kids total, maybe 3... but after #2 we both knew we were done.
Just know you shouldn't move forward until you feel moderately comfortable doing so. But I will offer up that I don't think having an additional child would be detrimental to your relationship with G. There are so many ways to include the older sibling with the younger one, and I found it has helped our oldest get into his growing up with more penchant than he might have.
~Working Mom~Breastfeeding Mom~Cloth Diapering Mom~BLW Mom~
Blog - No Longer on the DL ~ The Man Cave
Shawn and Larissa
LO #1 - Took 2 years and 2 IVFs ~ DX - severe MFI mild PCOS homozygous MTHFR (a1298c)
LO #2 - TTC 7 months, surprise spontaneous BFP!
I think it is pretty natural to worry about the impact on the first child, I feel that now. But I also think the long-term benefits of a sibling outweigh any stress they might feel initially with the transition, so this wouldn't be a reason alone for me to have an only child.
For us it was like jumping off the cliff - we didn't feel 100% ready but knew we wanted another child and I felt like if I waited too long it would only get harder mentally for me to go back to the baby stage.
I am still nervous about having two kids, but I know I will figure it out once the time is here.
It can definitely be a tough choice. I have a friend that asks me nearly everytime I see her how did I know when I was ready to try for more? And I pretty much told her it was when I was mentally and physically ready, and for me that included being done BF'ing for awhile as well as being able to visualize another child in our house and in our lives. It took us nearly a year from that point of being ready to actually being pregnant, and I had a hard time with DS and #2 not being closer to 2 years apart like my brother and I, but I figure there is a reason for everything.
It doesn't hurt to keep evaluating your reasons for wanting or not wanting more, for me I always felt as if I was poking my psyche and checking if I was "ready" until mentally I was. Keep talking to your DH too. If it helps write out the pros and cons of having more/not having more if you think it will help.
Also, as a personal opinion (take it for what it's worth), I know I always wanted more than one because I didn't want to focus all of my hopes, dreams and energy on one child, because for me, I felt that I could very well fall into that trap of putting too much pressure and attention onto one kid. Plus I came from a family of 2 kids, and while I didn't like my brother a lot of the time, I think it made me a less selfish person in general and it's nice to have a sibling to relate to as an adult, and I really want that for my children.
my read shelf:
We had our kids close together, 17 months, and DS was very much unplanned. We were kind of thinking of having them 2-ish years apart. In our circumstance the beginning was very hard with an infant and toddler and I always felt guilty that I couldn't do a bunch of fun things with DD and I was mostly nursing and doing the baby care that I felt like I was pushing her aside so I could "deal" with the baby, but she, DS, and I all survived. I think we all worry about not loving #2 as much as #1 or that we'll miss things that #1 does etc. The truth though is that you don't miss it you're adding to all the experiences. Each kid has their own personlity and you learn to do things with each kid that is geared toward their personality. I get my one-on-one time with DD while DS naps. I get my one-on-one time with DS while DD is in preschool. It took me about 6 months to really get the hang having 2 kids and figuring out and how to get time with both of them. Now that they are 2 1/2 and 4 they play together all the time and share in a lot of things. DD helps DS with many things and praises him right along side me when he goes pee in the potty or something new. I think DD had to "grow up" faster because they are so close together...she became very self sufficient pretty early because I needed her to be. I always knew I wanted at least 2 because I grew up with 3 siblings (all about 2 years apart) and we're all pretty close still and I wanted that for my kids.
I don't know if any of that makes sense or gives you any insight, but that is my experience. Even though DS wasn't planned I wouldn't change our family for anything in the world. Having a 2nd changed the dynamic of our family for the better. I know 2+ kids isn't for everyone and it's a very personal decision and only you will really know how it may work for your family.
I'm on the opposite side and wondering what C will be like if I don't have another child. My sister and I are four years apart (she's older) and I can't imagine not having a sibling and wish that I had more. I want C to have sibilings to lean on and talk to after DH and I pass away. I see how my mom and her brother are now and I don't want C to miss out on that. We have IF issues, so there is no guarentee that we'll have another baby and that makes me really sad, but at the same time, if C is my only child I will be happy because she is everything to me.
I don't think I helped much, but just think about the positives of having a sibling. Also, I've heard many parents say they are worried about the lack of attention and love by having another baby, but it ends up turning out great.
My DH is an only child and his mother is just slightly obsessed with him. So I think that really pushed me towards the "must have 2" side of things. I don't want to be her, and I don't want D to grow up without somebody else to lean on when DH and I are too senile to help him out.
We started trying for #2 in August, before I was ready. I got pg immediately and had a m/c at 8 weeks that was just devastating. THAT made me feel like I was ready. It's kind of crazy that it wasn't until I lost what I had that I knew I really wanted it.
Wrangling babies since 2010
I asked a somewhat similar question about a year ago and got some good answers. http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/47628641.aspx
Honestly, I think the best gift I could ever give A is a sibling. J has adored his big sister since he started giggling at about 2 months and his 2nd word was "AD-in". It makes my heart swell everyday to see the bond those two already have.
I still want another kiddo so bad it makes my heart hurt. We had a birth control fail in July and lost the baby at 11 weeks. I haven't been hanging around here much beacuse it sent me into a complete tailspin. Not sure where I am going with this but I am of the camp that you will never regret the 2nd (or 3rd) but you may regret never having them. Does that make sense?
M/C 09.30.11
I think it is similar to a first child where there is never a perfect time and if you want a child, you just have to jump off the cliff and go for it. I always think that there are a lot of reasons why pregnancy is 9 months, and one of them for me is to get my head around the idea completely before the baby comes. I knew we wanted two kids and I knew there would never be a perfect time in my career, or financially, or whatever.
I needed some time between kids to feel like me again and to do some things that I wanted to do (eat / drink what I wanted, run / exercise, lose baby weight, travel, sleep, etc.). One day I felt like I'd done most of the stuff I wanted to do before getting pg again, so I was as ready as I was ever going to be. I just know that I really value having a sibling and I think it is actually a good thing to not be totally focused on one child for their whole lives. It is probably in their best long term interest to share your love and share the spotlight with a brother or sister. I know there are plenty of well balance only children out there, but this is just my perspective and I think our DS will benefit from learning to share the attention.
I wish I had an answer. I wish I felt completely done instead of feeling 95% one and done. Most of the time I feel completely content with just Blake but then I'll see a squishy baby or see siblings playing together and almost feel like I want another. My siblings and I are spread out (almost 44, 41, would have been 36, me 31, and almost 24) My sister who is 10 years older is my best friend, I was really close to my older brother before he passed and I'm pretty close to my punk 24 year old brother. So as far as siblings go the ages don't bother me but I'm not sure I want to start over with the infant stage.
DH is about 99% sure he's done but every once in a while he slips in a..."well maybe in few years if x happens (bigger house, more $....)"
So yeah I have no answer.
DS 09/08