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How the hell do I approach this subject?
Disclaimer: Due to the personal nature of this post, I may DD this later.
Backstory: My XH was an abusive dillhole, mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually. Sex was something he felt he had a 'right' to and was my 'duty' as a wife. The arsenugget used Scripture to justify his 'claims' (is it any wonder that, especially considering he was a minister I'll barely set foot in a church?).
A little under two years ago, we went on an overnight trip. In the morning, he wanted sex. I had just turned in my thesis for publication the night before, had barely slept for weeks, and we'd been fighting constantly, so I was nowhere near in the mood. He didn't take no for an answer, and long story short, he used threats and coercion until I just took it. Because I didn't force him off of me, I didn't realize that this was sexual abuse until much later, though I knew the idea of being intimate with him almost made me physically ill. I didn't tell anyone for eighteen months after the fact, and to this day, I can count on one hand the number of people that know.
A few months ago, I started talking to S, with whom I'm now in a good, healthy relationship. Things are going great, and he knows the basics of what happened to me. However, for multiple reasons, I didn't go into much detail other than to say that it would be a *very* long time before I'd be comfortable sleeping with him. He gets this and is totally willing to wait however long I need to, and there is *zero* pressure. Things have been progressing on the physical front, though I've found that more detail is going to be needed, and soon. I know that all I'm going to need is just extra reassurance as we take each new step. I know the man would *never* raise a hand to me. Hell, I've never even heard him raise his voice or use a sharp tone with anyone, let alone me.
The question is: How the bloody hell do I approach this subject with him in a way that is logical, meaningful, and doesn't leave me a blubbering mess? Are there any good resources for working through this part of the healing process?
ETA: I've worked through the vast majority of the fall out. Yes, I know it's not my fault. I no longer have nightmares, or flashbacks, and I'm comfortable being touched *if* I'm familiar with the person first. I rarely think about it, and I'm not ashamed, just very private about it.
Re: How the hell do I approach this subject?
Honestly, I wouldn't worry about making it logical, meaningful or not being a blubbering mess. I had similar issues at the start of my relationship because of my ex's lies and emotional/verbal abuse. It took a while for me to tell bf all that happened, but as things progressed I just said, "ok, here's the deal ... this is part of who I am and what makes me the person I am now. But, it also makes certain aspects of a relationship hard for me because I need to learn that what I had in my marriage is not the 'norm.' I told him I trusted him with this information and felt close to him and since our relationship was progressing I wanted it all out there so that he understood if I had a odd reaction to something." He assured me that he was there to listen and help me through it because he loved me very much. When he told me that, I lost it and it all just came out -- tears and all. That was almost a year ago and I am so glad we had that chat.
PM back once more!
I agree with this... there are some parts of my marriage/divorce that are pretty rough to tell people but they need to know to understand who I am and why I act the way I do about certain things. I am pretty private about it but eventually I tell people I am close with what happened. I have told some people from work and a few new friends and although it's hard to talk about it helps being able to share your true self and not keep walls up. It's a part of my life experience that I have learned from and shapes the person I am.
I've been through this a few dozen times. I was sexually abused as a kid/preteen, so I've had to tell many a boyfriend.
I wish I could say it gets easier, but in my world, it doesn't. For me, it's just one of those thigns I have to just blurt out. I have also, over the years, been known to judge people based on how they react. If they just shrug it off, they tend to have turned out to be a person in the end that I didn't want around anyhow. I've had every reaction from shrugging it off to crying for me, to wanting to kick my perpetrators patootie.
Eventually, it may not get easier, but you get used to it. The first time is super hard though.
I'm of the school that you do not have to tell anything you don't want to tell. And even if you have no real objection to discussing it, it may not be something you ever want to share.
I don't know what men think when they find out that a woman they care about had been sexually assaulted in the past, before they knew each other. I would tread lightly here.
I, also, have been in your shoes. Only two IRL people know about it, and one includes my BF. I gave him very few details, not because I didn't trust him, but because what occurred in my marriage didn't have any lasting effects in my relationship with him. I didn't want to hang that burden on his shoulders. He knows what happened at a high level, and he handled it very well. Because he's naturally a good guy, there was no need for him to change how he treats me.
Share what you're comfortable sharing when you're comfortable.
I agree w/ this and this is my experience as well having been through some things that almost no one knows about. Don't worry about how it comes out either. I cried through telling my FI some of the details and I think that's okay.