Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
am I selfish-(same post new name.)
My husband took a job offer to a different state a few years ago. We
moved, even though I am super close to my entire family ( both sides).
It has really hard moving away, my mom had been recently diagnosed with
cancer, so it really was not easy. While living away, we got married and
had a baby. My husband has NO plans ever to go back and visit. We even
got married back where we are both from. His parents are divorced and my
MIL lives back where we are from. FIL actually moved to the same state
we live in, only a year or so before us. All my husband and FIL do is
hunt. My husband puts us second to everything, if he isn't hunting, he
is playing his video games. I have tried to limit that, but he just
throws a huge fit like he is 4. I am 3 years older than him, and I feel
like I have all the responsibility. However, I do not work, just stay
home and take care of our child. We didn't move because it was better
pay, we moved because we just wanted to and he wanted a better place to
hunt. I really want to move back to our families, actually for the past 2
or 3 years. I can't even bring up our home state, or he freaks out. He
will not talk to me as an adult, just flips out. I can not take it, I
get really frustrated. I feel like he never listens to me and doesn't
care if I am happy or not. I want our child to grow up with family,
since we have NO one here. He will just not listen to anything I say.
And actually we have been worse financially here than where we were
living, my parents have been a few thousand dollars these past years
helping us with our bills. Am I wrong or selfish for wanting to live by
family? my husband could go work for the same company that he was before
our move, his boss has told us. I think family is so important, to
everyone, not just your children. And we live in a small town with no
job opportunities for me that would be worth it and pay for childcare.
Re: am I selfish-(same post new name.)
I had to break it in to paragraphs to get the idea, but here are my thoughts. You have more than one issue here:
1. Is there a reason your DH refuses to go back to where you are from? His refusal to go back seems odd. What happened back there?
2. There is nothing wrong with hunting or video games or any other hobby. However, there is something wrong when it causes problems in a marriage. You need to sit down with him and calmly talk. Don't say "you do this" but say "Me and the kids would like to spend more time with you." Then schedule some husband/daddy time. Put it on the calendar if you have to. Also, does your FIL see the problem? If not, a causal comment in front of FIL such as "DH, the kids and I sure miss you and we'd love to do something with you. Maybe you can not hunt with your dad this weekend so you can spend time with us?" I wonder how that would go over. Maybe your FIL doesn't realize that you and the kids are feeling neglected.
3. He freaks out and won't listen to you when you have an issue to address. Not only is that very childish and not good communication, but not a good sign for your marriage. Your husband should listen to you regardless of if he agrees. And, he shouldn't freak out whenever you want to talk. He has no respect for your opinion and it sounds like he's hiding something.
4. If you are struggling financially, you both need to do something about it. It can't continue the same way forever. How does he react when you bring that up? Does he not see the problem?
5. I agree that family is important. However, family can be just you, DH and the kids. Or, it can mean the whole extended family. It sound like you both have different ideas of what family means.
The bigger issue here is that he is basically is sticking his head in the sand with video games and hunting, and avoiding the problems in your lives. Why?
I don't think you'd be yearning so much for your family if your husband acted like you are a family.
He seems self absorbed. I doubt that will change. I think the question you need to be asking is if this is a marriage you want to stay in.
You are not selfish, your husband is. Your family should always come first, especially your child. What he is doing has isolated you from your family and friends, taken away the ability to work and has neglected you and your child in a deep sense.
Honestly, I think a big discussion is needed. If he wants to flip out, let him, but the details won't change no matter how many tantrums he pulls. Ignoring the issues makes them grow bigger. What are you willing to do about it?
Check us out
I don't think you're being selfish. I think you want to move back home so you feel like you have some type of local support system because it seems like you don't have any - including your husband - where you are. Have you been able to make friends there? If not, maybe you could join a mom's group or a book club or something so you can meet other adults and have some other adult company.
It sounds like you guys have some serious communication problems. Your husband shuts down and throws fits when you try to discuss anything with him. It drives me nuts when my toddler does that, I don't know what I'd do it H did it. Would your husband go to marriage counseling with you? It could be helpful to help you talk through your issues and learn to communicate better.
I agree with PP that his hunting and video games are a problem because he's ignoring his family. Hobbies are great in a marriage but not when they interfere with the relationship. Setting aside family/couple time sounds like a good start to try to break the cycle of constant hunting/video games.
If he's not willing to do these things to improve the marriage, you'll have to decide if you can continue like this or if you want to leave and move home by yourself. You can't make a marriage work by yourself. I hope he's willing to make some adjustments so you both can be happy.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Since when is it selfish to want someone to listen to you? When did it become selfish to expect a husband to communicate and not play video games instead of dealing with marital problems? Oh, there is someone very selfish in this relationship, but it isn't you.
The not being to talk about a visit without him flipping out is not normal and is controlling behavior. There isn't one thing you posted of why you want to stay with him. Stop asking your parents for money unless it is to go to a lawyer or gas money to go visit.
I agree you wouldn't be so miserable if he was acting like family. I bet he was always like this, but you didn't mind since you have other support. I'd get out before he could legally keep me there.
H is very into video games, but he also understands that they're something to do in his free time, after things around our condo are done and we've spent time together. Everyone should have hobbies and things that they do separate from their spouses, but there's a time and place for them.
Personally I wouldn't be able to stay in a marriage where my H didn't spend time with me and put our family first, especially if I had no other support system around me. I also wouldn't be able to be with someone who I couldn't have adult conversations with. Just to know all of your options I would suggest speaking with someone about what your rights are in regards to your child. If you left him, would you be allowed to take your child to a different state? Since you've been there a few years and that's where your child as born that might be an issue. Not that you can't leave him anyway if you're not happy in your marriage (I don't agree with people staying together "for the children" when all that happens is they grow up in an unhappy household), but before making a decision it would be good to know what your options are.
You had to ask if you were being selfish? really?
What was the conversation before you moved? why did you agree to move so he had better hunting conditions? WHY? Why qwould you have a child with such a self absorbed man?
Have you mentioned counseling? Does he know how unhappy you are? (well i doubt he cares) Go yourself if you need to do so.
I can't exactly pin-point a reason on why he doesn't want to move back to where we are from. Maybe this will help, his parents are divorced, now for a few years. My MIL lives back in our home state. SHe isn't controlling to my husband or anything. But my MIL and FIL do NOT get along, they argue about ridiculous things, usually about paying bills. My SIL is 20 and still on my FIL insurance, so they fight about who pays what. I think maybe he doesn't like our home town because it reminds him of their situation, but I would think he would want to make our marriage last and not turn out like them. He has more family around the area as well.
I agree that he can have hobbies, I have no problem with that. But when they take up most of his time I don't agree with it. He can come home from work, quick jump on our computer, go shower, come back downstairs and play his video game. Then when he comes up to bed, he expects sex & plays his video game on his phone. I seriously have tried numerous times to control his time spent on them, but he just will not listen and tells me it is silly to get upset over the amount of time he plays his games. I wouldn't have a problem, but I just think he should play them AFTER our kid is in bed.
I can't think of what he would be hiding, but you are right there could be something. Not only can I not talk to him about it, but he expects me to ASK when I can go back and visit family. I visit his mom when I am back, so I know that isn't something he gets up set about. I shouldn't have to ask when I can see family, when they PAY for my ways. Even if he comes, they pay for his way to. I know, pathetic.
I had a job in a bigger city before I was pregnant, it just wasn't worth driving & what I was getting paid. Unfortunately there isn't anything available in this small town that will pay for bills and daycare on top of that. Believe me, I have considered it. My mom has her own business, I can work for her if we moved, and he can get his old job back, actually a better one with the same company. So it wouldn't be like we both had to look for work. When I bring it up, he usually doesn't want to talk about it, ignores the problems. He just thinks if he ignores the issue it will go away.
I know I can be a family with just him and our kid. But I love having my extended family around, and he loves them as well. We all have a good itme. When we go back and visit, he is NEVER bored. He is out with friends more than with family. His dad and mom both come from big families, when we dated we could go for holidays to see them. Then once his dad moved here, his dad hasn't left back to our home state since our wedding in 09. I just feel like he wants to be like his dad, and I don't want that.
thanks for your comment
Stop being his mom! He should know how to put the game down. And he should know he isn't gonna ignore away his problems. Controlling him isn't going to do anything but cause more problems. If he wants to be like his dad and become the biggest a-hole then he will.
Have you thought about moving back just you and the kid? Just saying something along the lines of "There is no work here, my mom owns a business, I going to move back and work there. You can stay here or follow. Either way, I am going." It might jump start him. Any change really would be a break from this insanity you are continuing.
Check us out
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So when he's ignoring it, what do you do? If you drop it, that's why he's not dealing with it - because you're letting him get away with dropping it. When you discuss these things with him, don't let it go until there's a resolution that you can live with.
I don't think anyone is saying that your family can't be the two of you and your child - I think we're saying he isn't being a part of the family right now. He's not a partner in the relationship or in parenting. If he were an active participant in your life, maybe you wouldn't mind living far away from your family. But the way things stand, it seems like you're pretty much doing it on your own, without his help or the comfort of having family close by.
You have to figure out what you need to be happy, what you're willing to put up with in your marriage and what you're willing to do to change your circumstances and then act on those things. If you need to move back home to be happy, are you willing to do that without him? If you move back home, are you willing to be with his absence in your marriage and family? If he were a more active father and husband, would you be willing to stay where you are? You're the only one who can answer those questions but you've got to figure those things out if you are going to change your situation so you can be happy.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
So he basically always has put his friends and fun ahead of his wife and children? Geesch, is he 16 years old or what? It doesn't sound like he really wants the responsiblity involved with a marriage and children. I bet if you said you were leaving, he wouldn't fight it. He'd stay where he is, play with his video games and guns all day, and be a very happy, self-centered child. They say actions speak louder than words, and his actions are saying that he doesn't want to be a husband or father.
Honestly, there really isn't a good answer in this situation. Get counseling for yourself and try to get him to go too. Find a job - any job - just so that you're no longer financially dependent on him. If he doesn't get his crap together, consider divorce. But you may very well be stuck in that area for awhile, so you need to make the best of it. I have a coworker in a similar situation: wants desperately to move back to her homestate, but is stuck here (unless she wants to give up custody of her son to her ex-husband, which she doesn't).
Sorry, but I just don't see any other good option. You married and procreated with a loser, and it cost you.
I definitely didn't add a post to the message board for people to be rude. I don't think my husband is a loser and I love my child that we created. I wanted some advice on what I can do in my situation.
I understand I need to talk with an attorney to see my rights with leaving. I had talked with one in our town a few months back, as long as I am the one that is starting a separation, I can leave with my child.
Back to my problem, if I bring up my concerns to my H, like I said he ignores me. We have gotten in some really big arguments over this. there have been times were I have just let it go, but I usually keep bringing it up. He just doesn't listen as an adult, he acts so childish about it. All he says is that he is not moving away, he can not give me a solid reason on WHY he wants to stay. When we have fought in the past, his dad was brought into it and he called me a baby since I wanted to live next to mommy and daddy. But yet we live 2 hours away from him? Same thing right?? He also says that I am being selfish and not considering my Husbands career. Which is strange because if I am not mistaken, career's are in EVERY state. And I recently came to know that he calls me a *** princess ( thinking that I think I should get whatever I want whenever, but when is it a crime to want your family close.) But we rarely see him. Unless it is a holiday we aren't going back to our home state for or hunting, we don't see him. I see my family more in our home state. My family has just done so much for us and is always there helping and very supportive. I know my husband sees that. I guess he just wants to hunt more than he wants a family. He thinks of us as something second, rather than something first.
Thanks again for all the helpful comments!
And I'd talk to another attorney if I were you, because the one you talked to sounds like he got his law degree out of a cereal box. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, you can't just up and move to a different state with your child without the father of said child signing off on it. Doesn't matter who files. Leaving the state with child without approval could be considered kidnapping.
Fiirst I would try to find a job where you are so that you are in a better financial position. I know you said it wouldn't equal childcare, so maybe you can go to school nights to get a better career or work an opposite shift (maybe as a waitress) from him so he watches the kid. The advantage to this is that he is forced to man up and watch the kid and you don't have to spend evenings with him watching him play video games. You can also meet some new friends for support by joining a mom's group or another organization.
As far as the relationship I would get into individual counseling so you can decide if you want to stay with him, and communication methods to see if you can have conversations with him where he does not act like a child. As far as the video games, discuss it in counseling and try to come up with a plan with your counselor. Also previous poster's suggestions of scheduling family time is helpful maybe you have to get out of the house, like go to a museum or the zoo.
Did he seriously move there to be here his father and to hunt? If so, you may have to figure out his underlying reasons. If it is to be near his father then how is that different than moving to be near your family and which family gets precedence?
I've been looking for jobs since my post. So far nothing, I have applied to a few little odd jobs in town. Hope to hear from them soon. I actually have a degree in Interior Design. I have thought about being a waitress, I'm not sure how good at it I would be!
I talked with my husband the other night, things were going good in our talk, rather than the usual blow up session. Of course, it can't go good the whole convo, so it blew up. He keep telling me that even if I was the bread winner and he was stay at home daddy, he would never move back or closer to family. He said he is going to hunt no matter what and if I think that I need to leave then so be it. But he said I can't take my child. I talked with an attorney, if my husband doesn't get a lawyer when I leave, then I am fine. I am sure he would however, then I would have to move back here until he judge decides what is best for our situation. Like if I wanted to move back to where we are from to be with family and have a support system. My lawyer said most likely that will happen and I wouldn't get our child taken away because she is only 17 months. However, I would have to come back for court hearings and such. Unless my H and I can work out a parental agreement. My lawyer also said that he can try to get it if I were to move back to our home state that my H would have to have his visits with our child back in our home state since she is still so young. I am going to find a counselor and see if my husband will take sessions with us. I truly think that would be a good step, because if the counselor can't help us and help my husband see the big picture than it is not worth fighting for any more.
Yes he did move here for his dad and to hunt. I know, I was younger and thought this would be an okay situation. I always thought I could go back if I didn't like it. We agreed on my things, like I could visit family when wanted, and that of course went out the window. I don't want to say my family has done WAY more than his, but they have.