Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
struggling w/ mom getting re-married
i think venting to some anonymous listeners might do me some good today.
my parents split up a year and half ago. it was VERY unexpected and almost tragic. i basically found out about their marrital problems through a suicide note from my Dad. thank god my Dad is doing really well post-divorce now and did not try to hurt himself, but it was quite a scare at the time. my mom was unfaithful and my dad was in denial for a long time, which lead to a very sexless marriage ... secret to everyone. in the end, my mom comes out the bad guy and my dad the victim. and it still kind of feels that way, although i've done remarkably well at continuing a relationship with my mom.
my dad started dating a woman immediately. i think they met online. and i think this really helped him heal. she's a good person and i think it's been good for him. a year later, they are still together. my mom started dating a man from her office shortly after the split up - she promises that he had just started working there and they did not previously know each other. also, she swore to cutting off all ties to her past affair. her now fiance is alright, has helped her renew her Christian faith, and i think its been positive.
i live 8 hours away and my younger sister also is very far away. we've only met these new boyfriend/girlfriend 3 times in the last year. to us it still feels like we're still getting used to the idea of our parents leading separate lives. but to them, now they've been dating a while. it's just hard to accept. and now my mom is getting married. i'm realy struggling with supporting this. i think its too soon. and i'm coming to realize that my relationship with her has been very strained. i would like if she had spent more time working on herself and her family (me and my sister) relationships before taking this next big step. i don't even hardly know him, and i'm still having mistrust and resentment for my mom, which i try to repress when i'm with her.
just not sure how to come to grasps with this engagement (they're talking about a summer wedding), and how to mend this relationship with my mom. she wants my support but it's just a really tough pill to swallow. maybe if i lived closer and saw them more often it wouldn't be so hard. or maybe if it was longer time in between. also, i think b/c it was my mom as the 'bad guy' in the divorce.. that also makes it harder. plus i wish she'd took her time and dated around ... she didn't do that at all. i think he's the first guy to make her feel good and help her forget about her past mistakes.
thanks for letting me get it out
Re: struggling w/ mom getting re-married
There are a lot of layers to this, and as such, there is a lot I feel I really can't speak to.
But one thing that stood out was how you don't know him. I say take that out of the equation. You're all adults, your mom is dating someone, you don't live near by.... no matter how their marriage ended, no matter if your mom was the bad or good guy - chances would still be that you wouldn't know him very well.
I actually don't feel that she owes this to you, if that makes sense.
There are a lot of issues at play here, and I can totally understand feeling conflicted about this. I can FULLY understand your concern about how fast this is going too. She was married to your dad, cheated on him,divorced then immediately moved on to yet ANOTHER man, and is now marrying him.... EEK! That would concern me to. Doesn't mean they won't be great for one another, but I absolutely understand your concern.
Again, though, w/ ALL the issues going on, I just feel like take your focus off of the fact you dont' really know him and focus on the other aspects of this and how you can deal with them.
Good luck.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
They both jumped right from the frying pan into the fire. They got involved with other partners right way and that spells disaster. Too vulnerable; getting divorced? Call a moratorium to dating for a year after the divorce decree.
You were spot on when you said your mother should have taken her time; the both of them should have done that --- and did your father get help after he threatened suicide? Hoping he did.
I guess I'm wondering what you mean by "support"?
If I were in your position, I'd be honest about what I could support "mom, if you're happy, that's all that matters." My parents are still together, but if they divorced and my mom re-married, I'd accept that mom is an adult and is entitled to live her life and make her own choices (or mistakes, as the case may be!).
I have girlfriends who I think are (or have been) in train-wreck relationships, but it's not my job to tell them how long to wait between marriages.
If she wants you to be a bridesmaid, then you can say "Mom, I love you, and I'm happy if you are happy. but I'm not ready to be a bm in my mom's wedding to another person." I think that is absolutely fair.
Knowing your mom's record of infidelity, I'm not sure having a relationship with her adult daughters is ever going to be as important to her as having a man in her life. If it's not her current bf, it will be someone else.
You know, I think this situation deserves complete honesty.
If it were me, I'd tell her that I don't "support" the marriage. I'd say that I think she's moving too fast, that I think getting married so soon is cruel to her ex. I mean, your father was suicidal!! She could be a lot more sensitive to that fact and allow some additional time to pass for all the wounds to heal.
With that being said, I'd assure her that I'd be cordial to her new husband and I'd try not to let the marriage interfere in our relationship, but that she wasn't going to get my support.
Your mom needs therapy.
as a child of divorced parents (nasty divorce) i can tell you it did me no end of good when i realized and accepted that my parents were not only my parents (as in when they were married) but that they're also jsut people. they want to date and marry and be happy and have good lives-and you need to let them.
about only meeting their SOs a few times-you know how to solve that-go and visit. sure it's inconvenient and takes a while but it will do you no end of good-in your dads case it seems. your mom has her own issus.
the thing abotu your moms cheating is that you'll always remember it no matter who the guy is-if he's great or if he's a jerk. it doesnt matter who was the bad guy in the marriage-it wasn't your marriage. i know it sounds silly because it was your family but honestly-does it really matter? no. are you going to hold it over your mom's head forever? no. that's a waste of time and energy. if you want her to spend more time iwth you then TELL HER THAT! youcan't make her, of course, but if you take the initiative and it doesnt work out at least then you know you tried to build a relationship with her. as for the 'i wish she would've waited'. great. she didn't. i dont mean to sound harsh but you have to understand and accept (even though it's hard) that she is single and free to date when and who she pleases.
i totally understand your venting, as I did the same after my parents divorce, and it does help but what also helps is not dwelling on what you wished they did or didn't do. you must do the best that YOU can to mend or have a relationship iwth them. they're only people-they're not perfect and screw up too.
good luck. go and visit and get to know your dad's gf. i bet she wishes she knew you better as well.
What should she have done to focus more on a better relationship with you? What do you want from her that she's not giving you?
I feel you're being very unfair to her - your dad met a woman online right after the divorce, continues to date her now and you don't feel he should have taken his time and dated around. But you expect this of your mom? And why do you resent her? She didn't do anything to you, she didn't cheat on you.
Do you blame your mom for causing the mental break that led your father to being suicidal? You call her the bad guy in the marriage but there is probably a lot you still don't know. As hard as it would be to accept it sounds like your parents were no longer a good match for one another and both are happier now with new partners. That's a good thing.
I may be missing something, but I don't really think this is about your mom getting remarried, I think you're focusing on that instead of whatever the real issue with her is.
I've been going through something very similar and I too feel "weird" about it for the lack of a better word.
After a very sudden split my dad started seeing a woman he's known his whole life (old family friends) which escalated to them buying a house together 3 months later and my father proposed to her a month after my wedding (a year after moving in together). My mother has been living her life, choosing not to date yet.
I live an hour away from both of my parents but rarely see my dad. Mostly just holidays and birthdays but we talk more often than that over the phone. I've gone through a stage of resenting my dad and I'm now content with the situation-I like his soon-to-be-wife I just don't like how my father's chosen to handle everything from the start.
I think what it comes down to is how quick everything happens (like what you said). I'm not sure how old you are, clearly old enough to be on your own but maybe on the younger side? I'm 23 and this all began right before my 21st. I think parents when going through difficult times in their own lives forget their adult children still need time to cope with change in their families. Moreso when the "children" are still younger in their 20s and just starting to make their own lives/families and are in that transitional phase.
My dad and his fiance have picked their date for this spring and I'm happy for them but I know I'll have mixed emotions on the day (without showing it) as I feel weird/sad looking at hotels in the area putting together our travel plans for that weekend.
All I can suggest is to focus on your life (husband? fiance? children? pets?) and remind yourself that you have your own family now. That's the only thing that's gotten me to where I am without a much harder path. With time everything will become normal and in a few years you'll probably be comfortable with the new way the family you grew up with appears. I'm sorry you have to go through it though, I wish every family lasted (happily) for the sake of those who don't get to make the choices.