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Parent issues
I am having a really hard time with my MIL(I know, shocker.) She is one strange woman. A bit of background (I'm not going in to all of it, but know that there is SO much more I could say):
My MIL has cut herself off from her family by her own choice (her mother, sisters) . She basically wanted them to admit to doing her wrong growing up, and when they wouldn't, she wouldn't forgive them so she moved on. Her choice. However, when Christmas (or any visit) comes around, I am still required to give her an equal amount of our time. I have a very large, busy, spread-out family to see/spend time with, while my H's family consists of my FIL, MIL, and SIL. We spent one week at my parents house(who sadly probably won't be together next Christmas) and 4 days at his family's house. I missed out on seeing my father's family completely because I my MIL was freaking out on Christmas day. She had gotten it into her head that we were coming over at 3 to do presents before other people came over, when I had specifically told her 5 so that I would get to see my other family. My husband told her to chill out, that we'd be over at 4, but ended up making us be over at 3 anyway. (side note, other people were there anyway, and had a gift for us, but we looked like we didn't care cause we didn't have anything for them) I told my H I wanted to point out that I have two families I needed to see, and needed those extra two hours to see them, but my H wouldn't let me because then it apparently would've made my MIL upset cause she has none (to me, it's her choice she has none, so I shouldn't walk on eggshells.) She ultamitely got her wish and I kept my mouth shut.
My problem is, I don't know how to teach my H to deal with his own family. I've tried mentioning it before, that he deal with his and I with mine, but since he has no problem speaking to my family, he thinks I should deal with his on my own. Basically, if I have a problem with something/someone, I have to go speak to them myself. I have done this before, but it ALWAYS ends with my MIL screaming and crying at me and hanging up; and when nothing's fixed about that with her by my H, it never gets taken care of.
Sorry this is so long, I just have all of these frustrations I have no one to get them out on or vent to. My MIL needs to cut the freakin apron strings, and face her own demons, but no one will tell her to, and I'm at the end of my rope.
How do I get my H to "get" that HE needs to deal with HIS family on behalf of me?
10.30.2009 and counting!
Gamer Girls of the world, unite!
Re: Parent issues
Well, at least you do realize that this is a DH issue, but I'd say you haven't pinpointed the CORRECT issue.
I told my H I wanted to point out that I have two families I needed to see, and needed those extra two hours to see them, but my H wouldn't let me because then it apparently would've made my MIL upset cause she has none
Why do you need to point this out to her? You told her 5, so get there at 5. She has a fit? Oh well.... let her. But you actually gave in and showed up when she wanted, so she has learned "If I cry loud enough, I'll get my way".
BUT the reason you showed up at 3 is that YOUR DH "Made you". There is your problem. Him. He knew what your plans were, but he caved.
You say she "requires" that you all spend the same amount of time w/ her. Again, this is about you and your DH. As long as she isn't holding a gun to your head, you can do whatever works best for the two of you.
You're issue here is that your MIL says jump and your DH says "how high?", but if YOU say "jump", he says "I can't- mommy will be mad at me".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You keep saying that your MIL "requires" and "makes" you do all these things you don't want to do.
Is she holding a gun to your head? If not, then she cannot "make" you do a damn thing. She throws tantrums and cries and pours on the guilt because IT WORKS. She changes times around on you because you go along with it. She has your husband wrapped around her finger, and he's too scared to say boo to her because he doesn't want to stand up to her. She's used to getting her way and she ain't going to stop now ... she sounds like an a-hole, sure, but frankly she'd be stupid to give up this routine because it's always gotten her exactly what she wants.
You don't need to explain to her why you have to visit your different families. You don't need to bargain with her or ask her to change her routine. All you have to do is simply say, "We can visit you on [day] until [time], then we have to go because we already have other plans." She can scream until she's blue in the face, but you just have to calmly repeat yourself once more, and if she still won't agree then you just have to say, "You're clearly too upset to talk about this right now. We'll see you on [date and time]. Bye!" Or, "That's when we're available. If you can't visit with us at that time, then we'll have to arrange another date that works for all of us" and then leave or hang up the phone. You will never change your MIL's behavior, so you need to set the boundaries yourself. Tell her, "We are doing XYZ with you" and then stick to that plan. Don't stay later or arrive earlier than you planned, because that'll just teach her that she can manipulate you.
Your husband's behavior isn't too far off from his mother's, when it comes to respecting you and your plans. He just complains about the situation until you change your plans. That's unacceptable. Hammer out the details in advance, and if Mommy cries about the plans just stick to your guns. If your H tries to change the plans again, stick with your plan, even if it means visiting your family by yourself. You don't have to argue about it - just calmly say, "We already made the plans with our families and I'm not changing them at the last minute just because your mom is being manipulative."
He won't deal with his mom when you ask him to, because he knows that if he holds out long enough you'll either call her yourself (and you're the bad guy while he's in the clear), or you'll drop the subject (and he can continue to avoid it entirely). If you stay calm and stick to your guns, maybe he will get the hint.
But if he's always been under Mommy's thumb, then good luck trying to get him to change now.
Holidays are always stressful when adding more family to the mix, but 2 hours shouldn't be that big of deal in the grand scheme of things - for your MIL or you.
I think you just need to let your DH know that it bothered you that he didn't stick to the plan and also you might need to realize that he feels that 50/50 with his and your family is better (let him tell you what he would have preferred also), so you might have to compromise on your plans also even if you have "more" family. You just need a calm time to discuss with your DH ways to communicate better and compromise with each other without feeling guilty or holding grudges.
Are you united with the CCOKCs?
Uh yeah, I agree with the PPs. You know she didn't make you do a damn thing. You chose the path of least resistence and gave into her temper tantrum. Well now you have to deal with the consequnces of your decision by not seeing your family on Christmas Day.
Next time, just ignore her or gather the courage to tell her and your husband "No." I promose her tears won't cause the world to end.
Am I correct in assuming your husband has never actually had to deal with your family in the same way you've had to deal with your MIL, because your family members respect the decisions you make as a couple and don't throw tantrums to manipulate you and get their way?
how do you get your dh to deal with his family ont hings like this? simple. you stop dealing with them and let him work it out.
how do you get him to realize you have 2 families to see? he does realize it but chooses to ignore it.
the issue here isn't mil, it's dh. you clearly know that to some extent but it seems like you're blaming your mil for a lot when it's your dh who can't compromise or deal with his family.
you also have the option of not going to her house with him next year and going tos ee your father.
also i'm curious about the 'if i have a problem with someone/something I have to deal with it'. what kind of problems? are there really that many?
No, you are both feeding into the assumption that one of you has to "deal" with her, get her permssion about plans, and/or clean-up the mess when she's mad. You don't, neither of you need to do that. You just need to be on the same page, and back each other up.
You have your plans for Christmas day (or any day), you discuss them between you two, agree and do them. If she is mean and cold when you walk in at 5 pm - then say "This is obviously very unpleasant and awkward, we're going to leave." Then leave.
Stop trying to assign either one of you to dealing with her. If you actually gave her consequences for her terrible behavior, then she'd have to change or miss-out on you guys, too.
I don't think it could be more obvious that missing your father of Christmas day. How in the world did your DH rationalize that it was more important to see his mother for 2 additional hours, than to miss your father entirely? He let his mother decided what was a 'fair' split and he followed her decision. He completely disregarded his own better judgment and your feelings on the matter. Frankly, the phrase "No sweetie, we are not listening to your mother's wishes on our schedule. Remember the year we didn't even SEE my dad for Christmas?" would be a regular phrase in my house.
She's alienated her entire family. There is a pattern there. Based on how she treates you two, I hardly think the decision was entirely hers. I bet no one wants to deal with her. So they don't.
No, the person they're attached to needs to cut them. But he refuses to because making mommy mad concerns him more than making his wife mad.
So, did your H physically pick you up and carry you to the car and then into her house? Nobody made you do anything, but yourself. You told your H you would go and 5 and you let him brow beat you to go at 3. No wonder his mommy gets her way, he knows how to manipulate people,too. You agreed to one thing and he changed, he could have gone by himself if it was so darn important. Why don't you think your family will be together next year? If you really thought that then all the more reason to have stood firm. Do you see who you have a problem with in your marriage? hint... HIM
ETA. You do not have to listen to anyone scream at you, simply hang up or don't answer the phone.
Did you all read the same post as I did,
I don't think you need to teach H anything, it's you who needs to learn that it's ok for him to spend the same amount of time with his family as you spend with your family.
You spent 7 days with your family and only 4 with his family, why didnt you go visit your fathers family during the 7 days you spent with your family.
You sound like a very selfish person and its you who needs to cut those apron strings..
Other people had gifts for you and you looked stupid because you didn't have anything for them and how is that your MILs fault.
Stop blaming your MIL and H when it's you. He has family just like you do.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
7 days with a large family versus 4 days with a few people sounds pretty fair. They also had previously agreed on 5pm and then MIL had a fit on that day. How would you feel if you had plans to see your dad's half of the family and had a whole schedule set and then your MIL stomped her feet and pouted and you had to cancel on seeing your family? If 5pm didn't work for her MIL then she should have said that when plans were being made, and that way OP and her H could have told her they couldn't make it earlier or OP could have made plans to see her dad's side of the family on a different day during their week there.
That being said, OP you have a huge H problem. I get that at the end of a week trip with your family your H probably was looking forward to getting to his, but you had plans and he didn't back you up. He should have said "mom, we told you 5pm and you never said that was an issue. We have to see a few more people, but we'll be there by 5 like we said" and if she cried and yelled, hung up or said "mom, if you continue this we won't be over at all". She acts like this because he allows it. He's her child, not you, and him saying no would go over much better and, more importantly, would show that he supports you and that her manipulation won't work. I think every parent/child relationship has a point when it has to change - for some it's when they go off to college, or move out, or get married, etc. My H's relationship with his parents didn't change until we got serious and they didn't treat me well, which caused him to stand up to them and assert more independence. It doesn't seem like your H has had that point in his life occur where he demands to be treated like and adult and respected. He still allows his mom to dictate things and won't stand up for his wife. If my H hadn't stood up for me, we wouldn't still be together. I honestly wouldn't even call your issue a MIL issue because it wouldn't exist if it weren't for your H.
Counseling.
My DH and I are expecting our first child. I know MIL will want to be at the labor, not necessarily in the room (at least I hope not), but in the waiting room so she can see the baby/us immediately. Personally, I want tell family not to come to the hospital when I go in to labor and we'll call them when the baby is born and we're ready for visitors. I'm a much more private person and want to spend the time right after labor with DH and new baby. Also, I don't much like crazy excitement (which is my MIL in a nutshell about the baby) so I know I'll need time after birthing a child to relax and settle. There will be plenty of time for everyone else to see the baby (we live within 45-minutes of both our sets of parents). DH has already said "well, can't they just come for 15-minutes and then leave?" No, because (a) they won't leave after 15 minutes (or it will be a big effort to get them out), (b) I'll be exhausted and likely emotional, and (c) I want that time for just us to bond (and all teh other post-birth stuff). MIL will probably be hurt and she'll call to persuade us to change our minds or yell or whatever.
DH tries to avoid MIL's bad responses, but that means he wants to give in to her behavior. We make compromises, but I'm the one who spearheads standing up for what we want (like this whole labor thing). What will it take for DH to "get" that I'm serious about this and MIL cannot get what she wants all the time - counseling. I'm finding a therapist through my employer's EAP today.
But past that - stand firm w/ your DH. This isn't JUST the birth of your baby. This is YOU giving birth. what you wants matters a million times more than what his mom wants, and he needs to learn that NOW. Your body = your choice. End of story.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Totally agree. It's just getting DH to (for lack of a better phrase) man-up and tell his Mom no. Most of the times he is super good with it, but other times he waffles. But at the end of the day I am the one pushing out the baby so I feel like I get more of a vote.
For us it might take counseling to create the best space for this conversation. DH still hates the fact we place restrictions on his parents, but we wouldn't if they didn't do the intrusive, inappropriate, inflammatory behaviors. So he still needs to make the full connection that we're not "starting it" - we place restrictions because of inlaws behavior. No behavior, no restrictions.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
To RiRi175:
We had already met his family for dinner one night while staying with my family, and he had spent 2 full days hanging out with them while we were at my parents house and I was doing other things. Also, we had just seen my MIL and fam for thanksgiving when they came to see us for four days. We didn't go see my fathers family because my aunts' father had open heart surgery 3 days before christmas and she honestly wasn't up to see anyone else. It was a sacrifice for her to leave her fathers recovery room to come see my fam, and I didn't get to see them. Thus, my frustration.
Exactly. My family was sad, but understood. His mother has pulled other things that are WAY worse, but I'm afraid that if I posted them all, it would look like a novel.